You Are Not Alone – February 2016 Search Terms

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When we are dealing with narcissists, it may seem as though no one else “gets” what we are going through.   But you are not alone.  You may be interested in the search terms which people used in February 2016 to find this blog (please excuse the obvious spelling errors):

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  • narcissist attack
  • can narcissists be christians
  • traits of a contentious woman
  • http://biblicalperspectivesonnarcissism.com/
  • ibiblical charcters that deceive themselves
  • narcissistic christian
  • scriptural way to deal with a narcissistic husband
  • deal with narcissist
  • 10 consequences of pride
  • how do you cope the narcissistic personality if your christian woman
  • insolent pride
  • http://biblicalperspectivesonnarcissism.com/2014/06/15/narcissist-case-studies-satan/
  • proverbs contentious woman
  • god’s view on narcissistic personality disorder
  • narcissism and the devil
  • traits of bitterness god
  • what does jesus say about narcissist
  • christian way to deal with narcissist
  • narcissist just kidding
  • as a christian how do i deal with a narcississtic sibling
  • what does the bible say about npd in a marriage
  • how to pray for a narcissist
  • narcissisyic woman according to bible
  • can narcissistic people be redeemed
  • where did the narcissist learn their tactics and why do they do those
  • a narcissist and god
  • biblical wise dealings
  • www. list ten consequences of pride
  • how can a narcissist be a christian
  • dealing with a narcist spouse the christian way
  • what kind of person does the biblr say about narcisdisma m nane
  • prayer for protection from a narcissist
  • how should a christian deal with a narcissist
  • 1narcissim and the bible about marriage
  • godly way of dealing with the tactic of a narscist
  • overcoming narcisstic parent christian
  • boundaries consequences narcissist
  • narcisstic personality pharisees and sadducees
  • innocent narcissist
  • grace and malignant narcissists
  • how can a christian stand against a narcassist
  • christian way how to deal with a narcissistic mother
  • why do narcissists get away with everything
  • how christ would deal with narcissism
  • christian way to deal with a narcissist
  • narcissism consequences
  • how does a christian deal with a narcissist
  • prayers for narcissism
  • will god help narcissistic people
  • how as a christian do i deal with a narcississ sibling
  • consequences of pride
  • how to rebuke a narcissist
  • how to pray for narcissistic boss
  • narcissosts and fasting
  • a narcissist is opposite god
  • narcissists are the antichrist
  • what scripture in bible would god use to speak to narc
  • 10 consequences of pride.
  • godly ways a wife can live wirh a narcisst
  • does god punish narcissists
  • narcissistic christian view point
  • biblical perspective on narcissism
  • how to deal with a narcissistic boss in a godly way
  • give me wisdom to overcome a narcissist
  • christianity and narcisist
  • how to biblically deal with a narcissist
  • trusting god when dealing with a narcissist
  • godly help in coping with a narcissist
  • when god allows hates they
  • was satan a narcissist
  • fleeing narcissism in the bible
  • biblical help for narcissist spouse
  • when a narcissist becomes a born again christian
  • narcist in bible
  • it is impossible to please a narccists
  • any hope salvation narcissitic
  • recovering from narcissistic abuse christian
  • as a christian how to move on from narcissism
  • what person in the bible was a narcissist
  • the last days of a narcisssist
  • narcissist lurk
  • narcissist gets away with it and god
  • satan and narcissism
  • can a narcissist love christian advice
  • case study narcissism
  • narcissim fasting
  • narcisisst case studies
  • narcissism and christianity
  • insolent with biblical understanding
  • characteristics of a scoffer
  • narcissists and creating conflict
  • the bible on narcissism
  • godly grace to deal with a narscist
  • why god allow narcissist to succeed
  • narcissistic people are devils
  • how to spiritually deal with a narcissist
  • can a narcissist be a christian
  • deceiving narcissist
  • bible perspective of narcissism
  • the bible and narcissim

Psalm 39 – David’s Musings At Evil People Brought As Part Of God’s Discipline Of Him

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Psalm 39 –  I said, “I will guard my ways
That I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle
While the wicked are in my presence.”
I was mute and silent,
I refrained even from good,
And my sorrow grew worse.
My heart was hot within me,
While I was musing the fire burned;
Then I spoke with my tongue:
Lord, make me to know my end
And what is the extent of my days;
Let me know how transient I am.
“Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.
“Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
Surely they make an uproar for nothing;
He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.

“And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.
“Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Make me not the reproach of the foolish.
“I have become mute, I do not open my mouth,
Because it is You who have done it.
10 “Remove Your plague from me;
Because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.
11 “With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity;
You consume as a moth what is precious to him;
Surely every man is a mere breath. Selah.

12 “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry;
Do not be silent at my tears;
For I am a stranger with You,
A sojourner like all my fathers.
13 “Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may [j]smile again
Before I depart and am no more.”

You Are Not Alone – December Search Terms

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When we are dealing with narcissists, it may seem as though no one else “gets” what we are going through.   But you are not alone.  You may be interested in the search terms which people used in December to find this blog (please excuse the obvious spelling errors):

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  • can a narcissist be a christian
  • can a narcissist change with god in their life
  • biblical perspective on narcissism
  • christian narcissist
  • prayer for healing from a narcsisst
  • christian counselling for narcissism
  • overcoming narcissistic abuse biblically
  • narcissism and satan
  • malignant narcissist mother bible
  • narcissism from a christian perspective
  • how should a christian deal with a narcissist
  • god’s help with narcissistic abuse
  • god healing narcissism
  • narcissism bible
  • god and the narcissist
  • psalms for hope in despair healing
  • how to deal with a contentious woman
  • insolent pride
  • can narcissists come to know the lord?
  • contentious woman
  • all things are possible with god change a narcissistic
  • christian way to deal with a narcissist
  • prayer for a narcissist
  • jesus and narcissism
  • how to handle a narcissistic person biblically
  • narcissist in the bible
  • daily prayer for those who have be abused ny a narcsisst
  • narcissistic unrepentant
  • holding a narcissis to consequences for his actions
  • narcissism and the devil
  • narcissist biblical
  • praying for a narcissist
  • christian response to a narcissist
  • satan the ultimate narcissist
  • christian narcisist
  • scriptures to help with victims of narcissist
  • satan is a narracist
  • why don’t narcissist listen to reproof?
  • bible and narcissistic parent
  • traits of a contentious woman
  • narcissism poor judgement
  • what does the bible say about narcissism
  • arabic word for scorner in proverbs 9:7
  • clergy with a narcissistic personality disorder
  • low contact for narcissistic behavior
  • are narcissists unbelievers in jesus christ?
  • chrisyian perspectivenin narcisim
  • case study of pride in d bible
  • satan using narcissistic mother
  • spiritual perspective on narciccists
  • proverb about narcissism
  • how to help christian narcissist
  • satan narcissist
  • is narcissim described in the bible
  • 2n a narcissist be a christian
  • how does god deal with narcissim
  • bible and narcissism
  • narcissistic flattery and conning
  • jesus and narcisstic people
  • narcissis and consequences
  • narcissim bible
  • binding prayer against narcissit
  • how jesus would deal with insolent pride?
  • introverted narcissist
  • submit to abuse by narcissist bible
  • what does the bible say about narcissistic parents
  • narcisstic personality clergy
  • biblical perspectives on narcissism
  • narcissistic behaviour disorder and christian faith
  • is it possible for a narcissist to become a born again christian
  • christian response to narcissistic abuse by a parent
  • how god deals with a narcissist
  • from narcissist to god
  • what the bible says about narcissistic personality disorder
  • narcissism a tool of the devil
  • christian dealing with narcissistic mother
  • why the narcissist hates you
  • how should christians treat a narcisstic spuse
  • jesus thoughts about narcissists
  • why do narcissists get away with everything
  • how to apply scripture to narcissism

 

How Can I Heal? – Foundations Of Self-Worth

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By the very nature of who they are, narcissists* tear down our self worth.  They do this through their condescending “scoffing”, or their need to exalt themselves at our expense.  There may be times where they flatter you – but this is just a short term tactic in order to get something.

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In order to be strong in the face of a narcissist’s tearing us down, we need to ignore the narcissist’s opinion and get our self-worth from another source.  Ultimately, the strongest foundation for a consistently positive self-worth is our own view of our value, derived from the one person really cares for us, and who doesn’t change their opinion based on their own self-centered goals.  This foundation for a strong, consistently positive self-worth is to have a clear understanding at all times about how God views you – and it is the best shield against the attacks on your self-worth which come from the N in your life.

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God has uniquely and specially made us……….

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Psalm 139:13-15

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

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Psalms for Healing – Psalm 42

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Psalm 42

For the choir director. A Maskil of the sons of Korah.

42 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.

I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
11 Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

The Twin Pillars of Recovery

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“Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me”  in Psalm 40 below describes the twin pillars of protection and/or recovery in times of distress – in this case the distress of evil done by a narcissist* / one with insolent pride.    “Lovingkindness” is about emotional support.  “Truth” is about understanding what is really going on and changing our actions to match the reality of what is happening.

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Of course, there are human / secular versions of these twin pillars.  We can get a modest measure of emotional comfort (“lovingkindness”) from friends.  And we can search out things which have been written on narcissism to learn traits and tactics of how narcissists operate –  including a few suggestions on how to handle the situation (“truth”).  But, the secular solutions can only take us so far.  Only God can truly comfort us and give us the emotional support we need (see here, here, and here),  And only God fully understands what’s going on inside the narcissist, and can give us the full understanding of how to deal with them.

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Ultimately it is God who is the true source of both lovingkindness and truth for us.

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Psalm 40:1-5 and 11-12

A Psalm of David.

40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the Lord.

How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us;
There is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them,
They would be too numerous to count.

………..

11 You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.
12 For evils beyond number have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see;
They are more numerous than the hairs of my head,
And my heart has failed me.

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  • “Narcissism” is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here.

The Intimacy of Being Consoled

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Psalm 94:18-19

18 If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”
Your lovingkindness, O Lord, will hold me up.
19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,
Your consolations delight my soul.

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Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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Matthew 5:4 – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

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 For those who have been hurt by a narcissist*, a serious amount of comfort and healing are needed.  While a certain amount of comfort can be provided by friends, there is a limit to what a friend can provide.  Even if your friends have not also been fooled or tainted by the narcissist’s deceptions, they friends may not really understand the damage the narcissist has done.  But even more fundamentally, no other human can truly feel everything you’re feeling.

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The Search for Intimacy, Continued

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In Part 1 we discussed the fact that most people want intimacy, especially with someone who is somehow beautiful or worthy – as illustrated by the popularity of love songs and people wanting to attach to celebrities.  But selfishness and self-centeredness on both sides of a potential “intimacy connection” makes it very difficult to actually achieve intimacy.  This is especially true in a relationship with a narcissist – their total selfishness and self-aggrandizement makes it impossible to have 2-way intimacy with them, as they really do not care about you – just themselves.  However, since the narcissist is a pro at “doing intimacy” early in a relationship, they can easily reel you in as an unsuspecting person hoping for true intimacy.  Then, when the narcissist’s true selfishness is revealed, you discover that the intimacy you thought you had is nonexistent.  The loss you feel is especially painful since you are worse off than from the time before you met the narcissist.  Going from zero “intimacy” to “100”, back to zero feels worse than if you had just stayed at zero.  Even though the “intimacy” you thought you had with the narcissist was never truly there, the sense of total loss you feel is very real.

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At the end of the day, there is only one person who is truly non-selfish, who genuinely loves us, who wants our best, who wants to know us, who wants us to know Him, and who is the most beautiful person we could ever be around.  God’s better way is to center our search for intimacy on the one relationship where intimacy is definitely possible – with Him – and then springboard from that intimacy to greater intimacy with those around us.   The intimacy with Him makes us to be less selfish, more beautiful, more compassionate ourselves – and those changes in us become the basis for greater intimacy with others.  As we become more beautiful and attractive ourselves, others will seek to be around us and closer to us.

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Psalm 139:1-3

139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and [b]when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

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Psalm 27:4 – One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord And to meditate in His temple.
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1 John 3:2b – We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is.
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 1 John 4:19 – We love, because He first loved us.
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So, the road to intimacy starts with God.  And that provides the basis for intimacy with others.  And while this will likely not result in intimacy specifically with a narcissist in our life, it will provide the truest, deepest intimacy with the greatest person possible.  That will enrich our lives and result in a beauty that is attractive to others.
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As we will see in future posts, this intimacy with God is also directly connected getting to maximum comfort and healing of hurts that have resulted from our dealings with narcissists.

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Additional Reading – to get started on the path to true intimacy

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The Search for Intimacy, Introduction

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Many, if not most people feel a deep inward need for intimacy.  This desire can influence a lot of our decisions – it is real, and strong.  If you doubt that, just look at the success of love songs or love story movies over the years.  Of course the intimacy desired is with someone who is somehow “beautiful”.

One reason narcissists can so easily reel in unsuspecting people especially in a dating relationship is that they are very good at “doing” intimacy early in the relationship.   And they push hard for instant intimacy.  The narcissist’s “intimacy imperative” could be due to their strong drive to win you over quickly in order to achieve their  ultimate self-serving goals.   But, they could also be genuinely searching for  intimacy themselves in order to fill gaps in their own soul – even though their narcissism will ultimately undermine the intimacy they seek.

When the narcissist has won you over, and then inevitably shows their true colors of selfishness and self-exaltation, it is an especially painful  loss since you lost the intimacy that you thought you had finally found.  The “intimacy” was never on a true foundation, but the sense of loss is nonetheless very real.

It is helpful to understand that it is partially our desire for intimacy that makes us vulnerable to the narcissist.  This inward desire for intimacy is ok – and God-given.  But instead of being a source of intimacy as we originally thought, the narcissist was actually the last person who was going to provide that intimacy.  Our desire and search for intimacy contributed to our pain and sense of loss, but as we will see ahead is also the best way forward out of that pain.

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Narcissist Case Studies – Cain, The First Human Narcissist

While it may not be obvious through a cursory look, Cain was likely the first human narcissist (Satan was the very first narcissist, see here).   Let’s go through the Biblical evidence:

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The first clue that Cain was a narcissist with insolent pride is found here:

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1 John 3:12 – not as Cain, who was of the evil one and slew his brother. And for what reason did he slay him? Because his deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.
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Being “of the evil one (Satan)” is similar to the way Jesus described the Pharisees….. “You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”  Since the Pharisees were narcissists (see here and here) just like their father, Satan (see here and here), describing Cain in the same way as the Pharisees puts him in the same category.
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The other clues on Cain’s narcissism and insolent pride from his actions and reactions.  There was a clear sequence……
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……..Evil was in Cain’s heart
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1 John 3:12 – not as Cain, who was of the evil one and slew his brother. And for what reason did he slay him? Because his deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.
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…….But Cain still expected God to “like” the offering he made (but God’s view is that obedience is much more important than the sacrifice (I Samuel 15:22).  When Cain didn’t get the positive response from God that he wanted, rather than repenting he 1.  Got very angry, and 2.  Started moping
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Genesis 4:5 – but for Cain and for his offering He had no regard. So Cain became very angry and his countenance fell.
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……God then told Cain what he needed to do to fix things
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Genesis 4:7 – If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”
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[Note:  God’s instructions to the first narcissist (Cain) is a key for narcissists (scoffers with insolent pride) to know how to deal with their own narcisisstic tendencies.]
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….. Cain had a decision.  He could take God’s instruction to “master” the sin inside him.  But instead of repenting and seeking God, he decided to accept what was in his heart and to instead get rid of the competition who was “making him look bad”.
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Genesis 4:8 – Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.
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……Then he lied about it
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Genesis 4:9 – Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” And he said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?”
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……When he got caught in this 3rd infraction (evil heart, murder, lying about the murder) and was going to receive final judgment from the Lord, instead of repenting (its never too late until you die), he still was whining, complaining, and fighting, and twisting what God said.
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Genesis 4:13 – Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is too great to bear!   14 Behold, You have driven me this day from the face of the ground [twisted what God had said in Genesis 4:11-12]; and from Your face I will be hidden [a lie – God didn’t say that], and I will be a vagrant and a wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me [not true – drama king kind of statement].” 
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Cain’s response to his judgment was a classic narcissistic response to the consequences of his actions.
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Healing From Narcissist Abuse – Ultimate Healing Is From The Lord

Psalm 23:1-3

23 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

The secular literature says that time and distance is the key to healing from the abuse you may have suffered at the hands of a narcissist.  And in one sense that is true.  But ultimately the deepest, most permanent, most forgiving healing will come from the Lord.  “He restores my soul” refers to God healing our minds, our emotions, and our wills to real fullness.  Without God, we may be able to achieve some measure of relief from the day to day pain that we experienced at the hands of the narcissist, but will not be able to fully forgive, be fully at peace in our minds, be fully joyful again.

We will dig deeper into how this works in the future.

Healing From Narcissist Abuse – The Progression

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There are degrees of pride, from the simple “I’m pretty good, and I did it myself” to the insolent pride spoken of in Proverbs 21:24.

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Proverbs 21:24 – “Proud,” “Haughty,” “Scoffer,” are his names, Who acts with insolent pride.

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This insolent pride is the biblical term for what secular literature refers to as malignant, or toxic, narcissism.  While God hates all pride, it is the “insolent” part which is the most evil, destructive, and “damaging” to us.

For people who are not aware that these type of people even exist, and who kind-heartedly tend to think the best of everyone and want to minister to others, winding up in some type of relationship (see here) with them can turn out to be a wrenching experience.

Based on my own experience and observation, there seems to be a progression in how you internally process this.  These steps of progression may proceed something like:

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  1. Being hurt at the hands of a narcissist, feeling bad, and not knowing why
  2. Being hurt and reacting against the narcissist who is causing the hurt – but not knowing that you are dealing with a narcissist/someone with insolent pride
  3. Beginning to understand narcissism/insolent pride, and the traits and tactics of narcissists – but still angry
  4. Understanding narcissism traits and tactics to a degree that you no longer “react” against them – since you now know their “game”, but instead responding much more calmly and with much more understanding of what’s really happening
  5. Learning tactics and approaches for avoiding narcissists
  6. Learning tactics and approaches for dealing with narcissists that you cannot avoid
  7. Forgiving the narcissist who hurt you
  8. Learning to overcome evil with good

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Romans 12:21 – Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

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One purpose of this blog (see here for the entire list) is to help myself and others like you to make it through this progression.