Monthly Archives: March 2022

Narcissist* Traits – They Refuse To Listen

March 31, 2022 By in Uncategorized Tags:

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A wise son accepts his father’s discipline, But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.” 
Proverbs 13;1
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A narcissist will often refuse to listen when someone is telling them they are doing something wrong.  I can immediately think of three cases where the narcissist (someone with insolent pride) was on a course of action that was 1.  not helpful to them, and 2.  damaging to someone else.    In each case, many people were telling them the same thing – admonishing that they were off-course and needed to change direction.   In each case, the narcissist refused to listen, and refused to change course.  This could have come from a combination of their thinking:
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  1. “I want what I want, and no one is going to get in the way”
  2. “My vision/faith/etc. is superior, and others just don’t get it”
  3. “Everyone  talking to me is inferior/stupid/wrong/etc., so why should I listen to them?”

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The end result in each case was the narcissist pushing ahead, and running into a set of consequences – which among other things further isolated them.  Of course, even then they were not able to learn from what happened (see “they never learn”)

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  • “Narcissism” is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here

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Dealing With Narcissists – Boundaries and Consequences, Not Rebukes

March 27, 2022 By in Uncategorized Tags: ,

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He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself.
Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you. 

Proverbs 9:7-8

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Judgments are prepared for scoffers, And blows for the back of fools. 

Proverbs 19:29

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As we saw in a previous blog, if you rebuke a scoffer (aka narcissist) he will simply try to “trash” you in order to totally discount your validity and therefore the validity of what you’re saying.    They do this to make sure that they can stay on the pedestal which they have created for themselves.

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So what can you do?  Even though they may not respect you, they may respect (or alternatively, try to avoid) enforceable boundaries.   “Preparing Judgments” implies setting up consequences for violations of some clear standard.  So, rather than reproving a narcissist / scoffer, try the following:

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  1. Define a clear standard or boundary for the narcissist
  2. Explain to the narcissist a clear consequence (“judgment”) if the standard or boundary is violated
  3. Clearly and consistently execute the consequence if or when the standard is violated

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The narcissist will likely test this a few times to see if you’re serious.  But if you consistently apply it, and if the consequence or “judgment” is painful enough, the narcissist will learn over time to avoid triggering the consequence.

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It is important to understand this is one possible tool to use in dealing with narcissists, and how you apply it will depend on the situation and the relationship.

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Please see Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective for an overview of what this blog is all about

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See here for initial steps on how to know God personally

 

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Consequences of Being A Narcissist – In the End, People Do Not Want To Be Around You

March 24, 2022 By in Uncategorized Tags: ,
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The devising of folly is sin, And the scoffer is an abomination to men. 
Proverbs 24:9
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“Scoffer” is one of the names given to people with insolent pride…….
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“Proud,” “Haughty,” “Scoffer,” are his names, Who acts with insolent pride. 
Proverbs 21:24
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…….And insolent pride is the Biblical term for narcissism (see here).  So, “scoffer” is one of the descriptive names the Bible gives to what we today call a “narcissist”.
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Narcissists (those with insolent pride) want (or even demand) to be exalted, but the things they do in their drive to be exalted ultimately turns people off – to the point that people can’t stand being around them.  Of course, their charm may allow them to get away with it for a little while, but at some point their lifting themselves “up” (and simultaneously putting those around them “down”) catches up with them.  Its not a matter of “if”, but “when”.
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The result is that the narcissist gets the opposite of what he is seeking.  He is seeking to be admired, and instead in his selfish pursuit becomes despised.  Jesus made this very clear when describing the Narcissists of His day – the Pharisees.  In the middle of describing their insolent pride, He explained how things really work:
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Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted. 
Matthew 23:12
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In his pursuit of exaltation, the narcissist winds up being humbled.
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* “Narcissist” is the current colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” (see here)
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Narcissist Traits – Discarding The Tools of Their Treachery

March 20, 2022 By in Uncategorized Tags:

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Narcissists (or those with insolent pride, see here), frequently “use” others as tools to achieve their goals.  Once the narcissists have gotten what they want, they easily discard the people they used without any further consideration.  An example is how the narcissistic Pharisees (see here and here) treated Judas after Judas had betrayed Jesus.

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Now when morning came, all the chief priests and the elders of the people conferred together against Jesus to put Him to death; 2 and they bound Him, and led Him away and delivered Him to Pilate the governor.

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3 Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He [Jesus] had been condemned, he [Judas] felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, 4 saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But they said, “What is that to us? See to that yourself!”5 And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself. 

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6 The chief priests took the pieces of silver and said, “It is not lawful to put them into the temple treasury, since it is the price of blood.” 7 And they conferred together and with the money bought the Potter’s Field as a burial place for strangers. 8 For this reason that field has been called the Field of Blood to this day.9 Then that which was spoken through Jeremiah the prophet was fulfilled: “And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the price of the one whose price had been set by the sons of Israel; 10 and they gave them for the Potter’s Field, as the Lord directed me.” 

Matthew 27:1-10

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In this case, after the Pharisees (chief priests and elders) were more than happy to use Judas as a tool to get what they wanted (the destruction of Jesus), they did not care the slightest about what happened to Judas.  He was just someone to be used as means to their end.  This is consistent with insolent pride – looking down on others as of much less importance, and therefore merely to be used and then easily discarded with no further consideration of their needs.

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This principle has a second application in this case.  Judas was not only a tool of the Pharisees, but was also a tool of Satan in Satan’s quest to destroy Jesus.  Satan (a “narcissist” filled with insolent pride, see here) also uses people for his evil purposes, and then drives them to their destruction.

 

* Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  Please see here for an explanation.

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Dealing With Narcissists* – Be Wise As Serpents, Innocent as Doves

March 17, 2022 By in Uncategorized Tags: ,
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There are many opinions on how to navigate relationships with narcissists.  Typical “conventional wisdom” might include
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  1. “Fight fire with fire”
  2. “Don’t let people run all over you”
  3. “I deserve to be happy”
  4. “I don’t get mad, I get even”
  5. “I’ll make him pay for what he’s done to me”
  6. [Fill in your own version]
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One of the most popular books on the subject of dealing with narcissists on Amazon is called
Needless to say, that sounds more like a narcissist vs. narcissist underhanded power play – and not a pursuit of the kind of love to which God calls His people.  “Winning” against a narcissist who is torturing you might seem right, but Proverbs warns:
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There  is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. 
Proverbs 14:12
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God emphasizes this by repeating it
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 There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. 
Proverbs 16:25
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Things which may seem like the right course to take – in the absence of Biblical wisdom – can lead to our own demise.
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Dealing with narcissists is not about doing what seems right,  but about actually being right – having true (Biblical) wisdom and understanding about the narcissist, the situation, and how to respond in the right way.  Toward this end, Jesus gave a particular instruction very appropriate for dealing with the world around us, particularly narcissists:
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“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. 17 But beware of men…… “
Matthew 10:16
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 Jesus had earlier used the term “wolves”, specifically referring to narcissists.
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 “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”
Matthew 7:15
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It might “seem right” to treat a narcissist the same way that they treat us.  But if we act like them, we are no longer “innocent as doves”.   It is important that we maintain our integrity in order to honor God in the process of dealing with our narcissist.  In this context “innocence” means “pure” (maintaining integrity).  It does not mean “naive”.   On the contrary, we are to be the opposite of naive in our dealings with the narcissist – extra wise, extra alert, and extra shrewd.  But we are to do it with a pure heart and with integrity.
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* Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here.
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Narcissist Case Studies – Cain, The First Human Narcissist

March 13, 2022 By in Uncategorized

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While it may not be obvious through a cursory look, Cain was likely the first human narcissist (Satan was the very first narcissist, see here).   Let’s go through the Biblical evidence:

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The first clue that Cain was a narcissist with insolent pride is found here:

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“not as Cain, who was of the evil one and slew his brother. And for what reason did he slay him? Because his deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.”
I John 3:12
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Being “of the evil one (Satan)” is similar to the way Jesus described the Pharisees…..
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“You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”   
John 8:44
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Since the Pharisees were narcissists (see here and here) just like their father, Satan (see here and here), describing Cain in the same way as the Pharisees puts him in the same category.
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The other clues on Cain’s narcissism and insolent pride come from his actions and reactions.  There was a clear sequence……
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……..Evil was in Cain’s heart (repeating I John 3:12)
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not as Cain, who was of the evil one and slew his brother. And for what reason did he slay him? Because his deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous. 
I John 3:12
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…….But Cain still expected God to “like” the offering he made.  However, God views obedience as much more important than the sacrifice (I Samuel 15:22).  When Cain did not get the positive response from God that he wanted, instead of repentance he 1.  became very angry, and 2.  began to mope
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but for Cain and for his offering He had no regard. So Cain became very angry and his countenance fell. 
Genesis 4:5
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……God then told Cain what he needed to do to fix things
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If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” 
Genesis 4:7
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Note:  God’s instructions to the first narcissist (Cain) provides a clue to narcissists (scoffers with insolent pride) on how to deal with what is in their heart.
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Cain had a decision.  He could take God’s instruction to “master” the sin inside him.  But instead of repenting and seeking God, he decided to accept what was in his heart and get rid of the competition who was “making him look bad”.
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Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.   Genesis 4:8
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Then he lied about it
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Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” And he said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” 
Genesis 4:9
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When he got caught in this 3rd infraction (evil heart, murder, lying about the murder) and was going to receive final judgment from the Lord, he instead of repenting continued to whine, complain, and fight against his judgment – twisting what God said.
Cain first twisted what God had said in Genesis 4:11-12,
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Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is too great to bear!   14 Behold, You have driven me this day from the face of the ground (NOT true)
Then he lied about what God had said
“and from Your face I will be hidden” (NOT true)
Then he made a “drama king” kind of statement
and I will be a vagrant and a wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  (a grossly overstated fear)
 Genesis 4:13
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Cain’s response to his judgment was a classic narcissistic response to the consequences of his actions.
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The Good Kind Of Boasting

March 6, 2022 By in Uncategorized Tags:

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I will bless the Lord at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul will make its boast in the Lord;
The humble will hear it and rejoice. 

Psalm 34:1-2

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Thus says the Lord, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches;but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the Lord. 

Jeremiah 9:23-24

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Narcissists boast, and if you listen long enough, even covert narcissists will boast.  They frequently boast about what they have done, but might also boast about what others have done in a way that still gives them credit – that they influenced or caused it to happen in some way.

Because narcissists have a self-centered rather than God-centered view of everything, what narcissists will not do is give God the credit He deserves.  They do not realize that everything that anyone is able to do ultimately has God’s enablement as the foundation.

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36 For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. 

Romans 11:36

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It is virtually impossible for someone with strong narcissist tendencies to boast in God and give Him credit for an accomplishment. It’s quite normal to NOT hear others give God credit for things, even in church, but when someone overtly and consistently gives themselves credit for everything, they are giving you a clue that they may be a narcissist.

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See here for initial steps to peace with God

 

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A Little Anecdote On Dealing With Narcissists

March 2, 2022 By in Uncategorized

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Many years ago I hosted a business colleague from another country.  While driving to visit a company facility he told me a little story that illustrated a way to deal with narcissists.  The colleague was from a little country next to a big country that spoke the same language.  The larger  mother country was known for being very prideful and while in decline still envisioned themselves as great.  Other countries around this big country used to describe them as having a “prestige imperative”.  In other words decisions the big country made were based on whether it made them appear to be a great country or not.

The colleague from the little country told me that the way the little country – who was looked down on by the big country – used to treat people from the big country was to “tell them they’re the king and then take their money”.  The people from the big country would be so wrapped up in the exaltation that they would be blind to everything else.

The point of this story is that many times a narcissist will put so much emphasis on their self-exaltation that they are oblivious to the prudent steps in their lives which actually make for successful living.

This is one application of the Proverb

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Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, But humility goes before honor. 
Proverbs 18:12
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