Why Do Narcissists Have Addictive Personalities?

August 15, 2021 By Searching4Wisdom in 2 The Roots of Narcissism / Insolent Pride Tags: Ephesians 6:10-12, James 4:6, Philippians 4:12-13, Proverbs 22:3, Proverbs 27:12

Consider this blog post as “thinking out loud” about something. It is not intended to be definitive, but simply the start of working through a subject.

Conventional wisdom holds that narcissists tend toward addictive personalities. I have no reason to dispute it, and have seen traces in my own life in the past – a sample size of one. However, assuming this is true, what could be the cause?

Here are some overlapping possibiilties:

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ONE – they forfeit God-given grace.

James says,

But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6

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A working definition I use for grace is “God gives us what we need (in abundance), when we need it”. The big example of course is salvation by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8-9) – something we all desperately need. But grace can include many other things, ranging from the “common grace” of sunshine to the grace to live properly – God giving us the desire and the power to do the right thing. Paul describes that in Philippians.

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So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure.

Philippians 4:12-13

If we are proud and determined that our way is best, God says, “OK, go ahead, do it your way. But you’re on your own for this one”. In doing this we reject His help, His grace, forfeiting the desire and power from His hand to rise above sinful practices, and increasing the likelihood of sinking into destructive patterns.

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TWO – they are naive and think that consequences are for someone else

Narcissists are smart and very clever, but lack good judgment – a popular phrase is that they know the price of everything but the value of nothing. This lack of good judgment results in not clearly anticipating the full consequences of their actions. Proverbs says,

A prudent person sees evil and hides himself, But the naive proceed, and pay the penalty.

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Proverbs 22:3, 27:12

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This lack of prudent caution means they have no solid boundaries, resulting in leaping before looking, jumping into things. They will look at something that could lead to addiction – let’s say alcohol or gambling – and assume that outcome won’t happen to them.

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THREE – opening themselves to the wrong side

This one is going to be a bit more difficult, but let’s try.

Spiritual warfare is real. In Paul’s famous statement on the armor of God he explained that the real battle is in the spiritual realm, not the earthly realm.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:10-12

There is no neutral territory in the spiritual world. Jesus said

The one who is not with Me is against Me; and the one who does not gather with Me scatters.

Matthew 12:30

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This goes deeper than you may think. When King Saul disobeyed God, the prophet Samuel told him.

For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

I Samuel 15:23 (KJV)

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This is the flip side of point number one. When someone says to God “my way is best, I don’t need you”, they are proud, but proudly rebellious. So, not only do they forfeit God’s grace, but they open themselves up to “the other side”.

Witchcraft is inviting the influence of Satan, the most wicked taskmaster possible, into your life. Samuel said that rebellion is “like” witchcraft. There is no neutral territory in the spiritual world – if we rebel against God we implicitly choose the other side, giving Satan a much stronger foothold. Since Satan is out to destroy us, he (and his demons) will use their greater influence to ensnare us in whatever way they can.

(This is a much deeper subject than we can discuss here – I can recommend the book “Spiritual Warfare” by Karl Payne for those who want to dig deeper.)

The antidote is to have a full view of God and who He is – His unlimited knowledge, wisdom, power, holiness, and love – and to yield (humbling ourselves) to Him – resulting in an abundance of His grace. If we are trapped in a pattern as a result of our proud rebellion, we also need to confess our sins (I John 1:9) – not only for His forgiveness but as also part of the humbling process which results in greater grace. He is then able to reclaim ground that we have yielded to the opposing kingdom (see Karl Payne’s book).

As I said at the beginning, view this as simply food for thought and a starting point for further exploration.

Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally

The Foundation of Freedom From Codependency

June 13, 2020 By Searching4Wisdom in 1 Foundational Perspectives Tags: Acts 17:25, Galatians 6:2-5, Isaiah 41:10, Proverbs 22:3, Psalm 40:1-4

How do you escape from “codependency”, or avoid it in the first place? The first obvious step is to see that it’s happening. Tragically, recognizing codependency is difficult for the naive, and especially the young.

The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.

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Proverbs 22:3

Awareness and admission of dependency requires a gut check. On the one hand, am I over-reliant on someone for my needs, fulfillment, or happiness? On the other hand, is someone over-reliant on me for his/her needs, fulfillment, happiness? Is my controller’s apparent reliance on me genuine, or a cover to make themselves the center my world? Am I constantly walking on eggshells around this person?

Everyone has legitimate needs – both physical and emotional – and God intends for people to help each other with those needs. Galatians 6:2 says:

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ …..

Galatians 6:2

But right after this, Paul goes on to say that in the end we must assume responsibility for ourselves:

….. For each one will bear his own load.

Galatians 6:5

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The controller will turn your God-given motivation to help others into enslavement and dominance. He ignores the both/and balance discussed in Galatians 6 that while we are called to bear each other’s burdens, in the end every one carries their own load and must trust God.

There are many things for which we must trust only God, instead of looking to others. The simplest example is breathing. We breathe for ourselves…. and every breath we take comes from God. Paul told the Athenians….

…. nor is He (God) served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things;

Acts 17:25

To break free of our controller’s emotional control, we need to make clear distinctions between legitimate needs and manipulative actions. We can help them with legitimate needs, but should also give them space to take personal responsibility and look to God for the rest. This is easier said than done.

We also need to place the meeting of our own needs in God’s hands. Breaking free requires that we transfer our hope and and source of strength from our controller to something or someone else – a better source that truly cares and has real strength themselves. Yes, we can turn to human solutions …..

- Someone else. For the the emotionally weak, they may once again gravitate toward a “strong personality”, controlling, narcissistic type, and simply repeat the same loop. “Someone else” is the great illusory hope for many, but typically just substitutes one false hope for another.

- A “group” of some sort, such as
  - - An affinity group – college alumni, sports teams, fishing, stamp collectors, Star Wars junkies, etc.
    - The “government” – the problem with this is that this can easily become simply a bigger “controller”, and does not provide any emotional support

- Ourselves – advocated by the self-help crowd. It is not without merit, as it may help develop a mindset of personal responsibility. However, total self-reliance is an illusion. There are limits to our capacity for complete self-reliance. God designed us most importantly to need Him – so that we would seek Him – and to also need others (to a point)

…. but, while these solutions may help you break free from the emotional dominance of your current controller, they all have serious limitations. The only true source of strength is God Himself (supplemented by those He brings into our life). God has communicated this to us in many ways throughout the Bible. He says,

‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10

God invites us to look to Him, instead of our proud, unreliable, narcissistic controller

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the Lord.

How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.

Psalm 40:1-4

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Once we realize that we need to switch our dependency from our controller to God, how do we actually do it? Where do we start? It starts with

1. A commitment to breaking free
2. Transferring your emotional dependence to God
3. Developing a plan for establishing and maintaining boundaries
4. Understanding that your N controller will not like the change and fight to keep it from happening through every means at his disposal