In Part 1 we discussed the fact that most people want intimacy, especially with someone who is somehow beautiful or worthy – as illustrated by the popularity of love songs and people wanting to attach to celebrities. But selfishness and self-centeredness on both sides of a potential “intimacy connection” makes it very difficult to actually achieve intimacy. This is especially true in a relationship with a narcissist – their total selfishness and self-aggrandizement makes it impossible to have 2-way intimacy with them, as they really do not care about you – just themselves. However, since the narcissist is a pro at “doing intimacy” early in a relationship, they can easily reel you in as an unsuspecting person hoping for true intimacy. Then, when the narcissist’s true selfishness is revealed, you discover that the intimacy you thought you had is nonexistent. The loss you feel is especially painful since you are worse off than from the time before you met the narcissist. Going from zero “intimacy” to “100”, back to zero feels worse than if you had just stayed at zero. Even though the “intimacy” you thought you had with the narcissist was never truly there, the sense of total loss you feel is very real.
At the end of the day, there is only one person who is truly non-selfish, who genuinely loves us, who wants our best, who wants to know us, who wants us to know Him, and who is the most beautiful person we could ever be around. God’s better way is to center our search for intimacy on the one relationship where intimacy is definitely possible – with Him – and then springboard from that intimacy to greater intimacy with those around us. The intimacy with Him makes us to be less selfish, more beautiful, more compassionate ourselves – and those changes in us become the basis for greater intimacy with others. As we become more beautiful and attractive ourselves, others will seek to be around us and closer to us.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and [b]when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord And to meditate in His temple.Psalm 27:4
We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is.I John 3:2b
We love, because He first loved us.I John 4:19.
As we will see in future posts, this intimacy with God is also directly connected getting to maximum comfort and healing of hurts that have resulted from our dealings with narcissists.
Additional Reading – to get started on the path to true intimacy
- Is God arrogant, selfish, or an megalomaniac?
- How to have a relationship with God
- Knowing God Personally – The Starting Point