Category Archives: 5 Practical Actions

Don’t Let Them Suck You Into Their Drama

April 28, 2022 By in 2 It Depends On The Relationship, 5 Practical Actions, 6 Case Studies, How Jesus Dealt With Narcissists Tags: ,

.

Narcissists are notorious for engaging in self-focused drama, while attempting to suck every one else in.  It’s one of their go-to moves to attract attention.  It might look like this:

.

.

Jesus was well aware of the danger of allowing His narcissists – the Pharisees – to throw Him off His mission.  He engaged with them when they approached Him with a test, but did not make them the focus of His ministry.  He expressed His overall view to His disciples,

.
“Let them [the Pharisees] alone; they are blind guides of the blind. And if a blind man guides a blind man, both will fall into a pit.” 
Matthew 15:14
.
“Let them alone” could be considered a version of the pop-psychology concept of “low contact”.  [As stated earlier in this blog, “no contact” and “low contact” greatly depends on the nature of the relationship.]
.
One reason that Jesus did not make the Pharisees a focus of His ministry is that they did not feel they had a need, and were not genuinely open to what He had to say (with a few exceptions).   When the Pharisees slyly criticized Jesus for ministering to tax collectors and sinners, He responded:
.
Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, “Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?” But when Jesus heard this, He said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick.   
Matthew 9:10-12
.
Jesus correctly focused on His true ministry, and did not let the drama which His narcissists tried to stir up to sidetrack Him.
.
Let your Narcissist have their drama on their own time and in their own space, and don’t let them waste your time and life by drawing you in.

.

.

Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally

Share

Dealing With Narcissists* – Avoid Them

April 3, 2022 By in 5 Practical Actions

…

Based on recent responses to the book – A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism – there seems to be confusion by some regarding the proper response to a narcissist.  Some believe that the book simply advocates “being a dormat and pray”, while others are disappointed that the book does not take a hard-line position of “no contact”.  Yet others believe that the book advocates for adult children of narcissistic parents to remain obedient.  None of these are a correct reading of the what the book says.  The proper response to narcissists is far more nuanced – depending on the relationship and bringing the all-knowing, all-powerful God of the universe into the middle of the equation.

.

The general Biblical principle is to “avoid them”.

.

3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. 

2 Timothy 3:1-5

.

Jesus said “leave them alone” (Matthew 15), and Paul said “do not become slaves of men” (I Corinthians 7:23).

.

That is the general principle, but how you apply it depends on the relationship and circumstances.   David fled from King Saul, while Jesus engaged the Pharisees from time to time even while maintaining His own mission undeterred by their attempts to derail Him.  Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego left it to God to rescue them from the hands of King Nebuchadnezzar.

.

For a current example, my youngest son currently works in a crew of only 2 people – with the other crewmate being a highly narcissistic co-worker who seeks to lord it over him and throw him under the bus whenever something goes wrong.  He could immediately quit, but he needs the job.  Yes, ultimately he needs to get away from that guy, but also needs God’s wisdom, guidance and help on how to wisely navigate the change.  In the meantime, son #3 needs to put on the “full armor of God” in dealing with his co-worker (Ephesians 6).

Another example would be if you recognize you have a narcissistic teenage son.  You would not immediately kick him out the house, right?  But you would need great wisdom in how to pray and manage the relationship.

In a clear case, if you have a highly toxic narcissistic best friend, it would be wise to avoid them.  In another example, if you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent you can “create space” (i.e. – avoid) as part of managing the relationship.  You have no obligation to obey them and “make them happy”, but you do need to show proper honor even while you live your own life.  In my own case, when I realized in my 20’s that I could not please my mom no matter what I did, I gave up bothering with it.  I still was kind and helpful as appropriate, but I stopped letting her expectations drive what I did – while managing my interface with her.

Each circumstance is different, but you can find ways to “create space” – sometimes permanently, but often using case-by-case wisdom as the circumstances require.  It is always appropriate to ask and trust God to help you create that space, whether small or large, frequently or infrequently.  The son of a family friend is married to the most toxic person I’ve ever become aware of.  She is absolutely destroying his self-worth, and controlling every communication he has with the outside world.  There is a lot to discuss about what needs to happen, but God gave him a break when she decided to go the UK with her mom on a trip.

.

Each relationship in our lives comes with some level of responsibility.  From “little to no” responsibility in the case of a first time acquaintance or random passerby, to “total” responsibility in the case of a newborn child born to us.  Narcissists will try to make us feel more responsible than we should for their “happiness/success/well-being”.  In each case we need to wisely understand what our actual responsibility is in the relationship (not just what the N says it is), and “create space” (avoid) in ways consistent with our actual responsibilities.

.

Most of us simply want relief, but God has a bigger picture in mind  Relief will ultimately come, and God will judge the narcissist – but He also wants us to grow into better people in and through the process.

.

.

*narcissist is the current secular term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here for more.

 

 

 

Share

Narcissists Are Quick To Take Credit For Other’s Work

August 25, 2021 By in 3 Letting God Act, 5 Practical Actions Tags: ,

.

Most of us have likely observed a narcissist who focuses on taking credit instead of getting a job done well – even to the extreme of  taking credit for something they had absolutely nothing to do with.  It’s infuriating when it happens, and makes you wonder if they are intentionally lying or just delusional.  It could be either – most of my experiences have been of the delusional variety.  This is consistent with the fact that their heart drives their mind.

The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. 
Luke 6:45
.

Because their root heart attitude is “I’m best” or “I’m better than you”, the narcissist’s heart believes that if  something good happens it must have been them, and if something bad happens it must have been you.

.

Many times you can’t argue with or fight their assertion, because it’s a “he said, she said” situation that is unprovable.  I once had a lady take credit for an answer to prayer I mentioned.  I was highly suspect, but it was not something to argue about – I just let it go and left it in God’s hands.

.

There may be a time that you really need to set the record straight.  But be aware that you’re doing this vs. someone who will pull every trick in the book to not be wrong.  It would be wise to be very, very, very selective on when you fight the battle.  In most cases, it is better to simply trust God to defend you or to make it work all out for your good in the end.  When you bring the sovereign, loving, powerful God of the universe into the equation, it changes how you approach your response.

.

You can step back and ask God to humble their hearts, and to enlighten their eyes so that they would see themselves in comparison with God’s greatness (they are small, He is big).  And you can pray specifically that God would help you and deal with, fix, and overcome the specific negative circumstances created by the N’s proud and evil response.  Rather than make your fight with the N, tactically use the circumstance as an opportunity for God to show His love and power and grace in working on your behalf.

.

This may sound trite.  Our natural instinct is to fight for our justice and win.  But letting God fight the battle in their heart, and exercising His great power to defend and counteract the effects of their evil action (or better yet to use that evil action for our even greater good), is often a wiser, more peaceful course of action.

.

Back to a narcissist possibly taking credit for our work.  Can we toot our own horn if we do something good?  In the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) the guys given ten talents and five talents came back with tangible, measurable results.  They didn’t boast of their results, but were pleased to present to their boss tangible results.  Jesus didn’t rebuke their presentation of those results.  He only rebuked the “no results”.  (This was a business reference illustrating investing in God’s kingdom).  There is a difference between boasting and presenting facts.

.

Measurable, identifiable results can be one means of countering a narcissists false claim.  Proverbs says,

The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him.
Proverbs 18:17

.

The narcissist may be the first to plead his case, but if you calmly present your provable, measurable, tangible results, you can let the facts speak for themselves in response – without getting into an unwinnable contest with a lying narcissist.

.

.

Click here for initial steps on how to find peace with God.

 

Share

Gaslighting

July 2, 2021 By in 5 Practical Actions Tags: ,

.

Gaslighting.  You hear this pop-psychology term-du-jour a lot lately.  It is kind of cringeworthy, often making me wonder, “what do they really mean”?

The term “gaslighting” originated from the British play Gas Light (1938), and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations.  It is now used in clinical psychological literature, as well as in political commentary and philosophy.

The name of a play / movie is used to describe behavior.  This is similar to the origin of the psychological term “narcissism” which uses a character from Greek mythology in the “science” of psychology.  Hmmm…..

Here’s how Wikipedia defines it.

.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement.  It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation,  Gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

.

A shorthand way to get your mind around it is to think of gaslighting as “deceptive manipulation”.   It is a particularly subtle, underhanded, tricky, manipulative form of lying.  Lying is very difficult to detect and guard against.  This “deceptive manipulation” form of lying is even more difficult to detect and guard against.

Of course, the Bible is way ahead on this as well as “narcissism”.  There is nothing new under the sun.

.

Satan is the original liar…

You (Pharisees) are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He (Satan, the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  John 8:44

.

…. and the original practitioner of “deceptive manipulation”.

But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness….  2 Corinthians 11:3
.

Since deception is one of the primary tools of the narcissist, “gaslighting” or more precisely “deceptive manipulation” can be one of the tools in their toolbox.  Prudently guarding against it is foundational.  We cannot prevent them from lying to us and attempting to deceive us.  They will speak according to their internal nature, and God will hold them accountable for their lies.  However, there are things we can do.

.

How can we defeat lies?  With truth.

.

.

Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you might imagine, I have a strong bias toward using Biblical terms rather than the popular secular term of the moment.

 

 

 

Share

In Whom Are Hidden All The Treasures of Wisdom and Knowledge

May 24, 2018 By in 1 Foundational Perspectives, 5 Dealing with Narcissists, 5 Practical Actions Tags: , , , ,

.

Colossians 2:2-3

2 that their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself, 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

.

Continue reading →

Share

A Summary On How To Live With A Contentious Woman (And Still Be A Real Man)

March 25, 2018 By in 1 Foundational Perspectives, 2 It Depends On The Relationship, 3 Letting God Act, 4 Biblical Praying, 5 Dealing with Narcissists, 5 Practical Actions Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

.

[Note:  This blog entry is intended for men.  It was a difficult blog post to write, and I’m still working through it.  But it was far enough along to push the “publish” button and provide you with a launch point for your own search into the subject.  It may seem as though I am just focusing on narcissistic women, with men as victims, but I hope to write a similar post on the reverse relationship – a wife living with a narcissistic husband – in the near future.

Underneath this entire blog post is the view that marriage is a human illustration of a divine relationship]

.

Romans 12:18

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

13 Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 14 Let all that you do be done in love.

.

How is it possible to be peacefully married to a a contentious woman and still be a real man?  A tough question.  Her modus operandi is to dominate you, which leaves you the seemingly impossible choices of either fighting back and creating a war at home, or submitting, neither of which is appealing (or correct).  This post summarizes a range of things to consider for dealing with the situation.  Your contentious woman could range from one who is merely annoying to one who is “impossible to live with”.

.

Continue reading →

Share

Dealing With Narcissists – Fact Check Everything

December 26, 2017 By in 5 Practical Actions Tags: , , , ,

.

As a narcissist is notoriously unreliable, it is important to fact check (at least to yourself) what comes out of their mouth rather than accept they say at face value.

.

Proverbs 14.15 – “The naive believes everything, But the sensible man considers his steps.”

.

Proverbs 18.17 – “The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.”

.

Matthew 18.16 – “so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.”

.

2 Corinthians 13.1 – “This is the third time I am coming to you. Every fact is to be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

.

1 Timothy 5.19 – “Do not receive an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses.”

.

Narcissists / those with insolent pride tend to exaggerate their skills, accomplishments, track record, commitment to the cause, etc.   They also will stretch the truth or outright lie in order to get what they want.   And they do not hesitate to trash the reputation of those who get in their way.  So while this basic biblical principle of confirming things instead of believing every thing you are told is always appropriate – it is especially applicable when dealing with narcissists.

.

.

Please see Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective for an overview and frame of reference on what this blog is about.

 

Share

Narcissistic Personality Disorder* In The Clergy

October 5, 2015 By in 2 Narcissist Traits, 5 Practical Actions
.
3 John 1:9 – I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say.

.

Matthew 7:15 – Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.

.

In a very recent study discussed in the paper “FREQUENCY OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER IN PASTORS: A PRELIMINARY STUDY“, the researchers found a relatively higher percentage of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”) among the clergy than in the regular population.  The study discussed the impact of the NPD pastors’ approach to ministry as well as the negative impact on their congregations.

.

Continue reading →

Share