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There are many opinions on how to navigate relationships with narcissists. Typical “conventional wisdom” might include
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- “Fight fire with fire”
- “Don’t let people run all over you”
- “I deserve to be happy”
- “I don’t get mad, I get even”
- “I’ll make him pay for what he’s done to me”
- [Fill in your own version]
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Needless to say, that sounds more like a narcissist vs. narcissist underhanded power play – and not a pursuit of the kind of love to which God calls His people. “Winning” against a narcissist who is torturing you might seem right, but Proverbs warns:
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There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.Proverbs 14:12.
God emphasizes this by repeating it
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There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.Proverbs 16:25
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Things which may seem like the right course to take – in the absence of Biblical wisdom – can lead to our own demise.
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Dealing with narcissists is not about doing what seems right, but about actually being right – having true (Biblical) wisdom and understanding about the narcissist, the situation, and how to respond in the right way. Toward this end, Jesus gave a particular instruction very appropriate for dealing with the world around us, particularly narcissists:
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“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. 17 But beware of men…… “Matthew 10:16
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Jesus had earlier used the term “wolves”, specifically referring to narcissists.
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“Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”Matthew 7:15
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It might “seem right” to treat a narcissist the same way that they treat us. But if we act like them, we are no longer “innocent as doves”. It is important that we maintain our integrity in order to honor God in the process of dealing with our narcissist. In this context “innocence” means “pure” (maintaining integrity). It does not mean “naive”. On the contrary, we are to be the opposite of naive in our dealings with the narcissist – extra wise, extra alert, and extra shrewd. But we are to do it with a pure heart and with integrity.
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* Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”. See here.