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Proverbs says,

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The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it. 

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Proverbs 22:3

Is my boyfriend a narcissist?

1. Does your boyfriend often talk about himself and his accomplishments?
2. Does he have a tendency to belittle or criticize others?
3. Does he have an inflated sense of self-importance?
4. Does he expect special treatment or to be put on a pedestal?
5. Does he have a lack of empathy for others?
6. Does he have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships?
7. Does he have a need for constant validation and admiration from others?
8. Does he have a tendency to manipulate or exploit others for his own gain?
9. Does he have a tendency to blame others for his own mistakes or shortcomings?
10. Does he have a history of behaving in a controlling or abusive manner towards others?

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Is my girlfriend a narcissist?

1. Does she constantly seek attention and validation from others?
2. Does she have a sense of entitlement and believe that she deserves special treatment?
3. Does she have difficulty empathizing with others and understanding their perspectives?
4. Does she often blame others for her problems and take little responsibility for her actions?
5. Does she have a tendency to manipulate and exploit others for her own gain?
6. Does she have a grandiose sense of self-importance and overestimate her abilities?
7. Does she have a strong need to be admired and have a sense of superiority over others?
8. Does she have a disregard for the feelings of others?
9. Does she have a tendency to become easily jealous or resentful of others?
10. Does she have a tendency to make everything about herself and not be interested in the lives of others?

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Something to consider…

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My wife and I have a long-standing tradition of giving each other only “non-monetary” Christmas gifts.  Occasionally we break the rule but we want to put the focus on giving something that actually “costs us” something of ourselves.  I won’t share what we have done, but here is a list of ideas in case you’re looking for inspiration.

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1. Write a heartfelt letter or poem expressing your love and appreciation for the recipient.

2. Create a personalized playlist of songs that have special meaning to you and your relationship.

3. Make a homemade meal or baked goods for the recipient.

4. Create a custom piece of art or craft for the recipient.

5. Plan a fun outing or activity to do together, such as a hike or a trip to a local attraction.

6. Offer to do a chore or task for the recipient, such as cleaning their house or running errands for them.

7. Give the gift of your time and attention by setting aside an entire day to spend together.

8. Give the gift of relaxation by offering a massage or creating a DIY spa day.

9. Create a memory jar filled with special trinkets and mementos that represent your relationship.

10. Write and perform a song or skit for the recipient.

11. Offer to help the recipient achieve a goal or learn a new skill, such as taking a dance lesson or starting a garden.

12. Give the gift of relaxation by offering a home-cooked meal or a gift certificate to a restaurant.

13. Plan a game night with a selection of the recipient’s favorite games.

14. Offer to do a fun activity together, such as painting, cooking, or going to the movies.

15. Give the gift of self-care by creating a basket with items like scented candles, bubble bath, and face masks.

16. Plan a movie marathon with the recipient’s favorite films.

17. Give the gift of organization by helping the recipient declutter and reorganize a space in their home.

18. Offer to take the recipient on a scenic drive or to a nearby town for a day trip.

19. Create a personalized photo album or frame featuring special memories and moments from your relationship.

20. Offer to teach the recipient a new hobby or skill that you enjoy.

21. Give the gift of relaxation by offering a yoga or meditation class.

22. Plan a date night and make all the arrangements, such as reservations and transportation.

23. Write a list of reasons why you appreciate and value the recipient.

24. Give the gift of a handwritten recipe book filled with your favorite dishes.

25. Plan a fun outdoor activity, such as a picnic or a walk in a local park.

26. Give the gift of a home-cooked meal and offer to do the grocery shopping and cooking.

27. Offer to take the recipient on a shopping spree and provide style advice.

28. Give the gift of a personalized workout routine or training plan.

29. Plan a weekend getaway to a nearby destination.

30. Create a custom playlist of your favorite workout songs to help the recipient stay motivated.

31. Give the gift of a personalized nutrition plan or recipe ideas.

32. Offer to do the recipient’s laundry and fold it for them.

33. Plan a fun adventure, such as a hot air balloon ride or skydiving.

34. Give the gift of a customized playlist of your favorite relaxing music or guided meditations.

35. Offer to do a home improvement project for the recipient.

36. Plan a day of pampering, including a manicure, pedicure, and massage.

37. Give the gift of a customized playlist of your favorite tunes for a specific activity, such as working or studying.

38. Offer to do the recipient’s grocery shopping and meal prep for a week.

39. Plan a movie night in with homemade popcorn and the recipient’s favorite films.

40. Give the gift of a personalized sleep routine or bedtime ritual.

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Please pardon my lack of blogging.  I had some heavy preparation work for a seminar on “parenting adult children” and another on “suffering” recently, as well as working on several writing projects.  I am hoping to get back into a better routine in the near future.

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In the meantime, rather than wishing a trite “Merry Christmas” I simply want to say that I hope that we all deeply remember and savor the clear demonstration of God’s deep love for us through sending Jesus’ into this wicked world in order to rescue us.

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But also, enjoy the lights and merriment.

I recently came across the following phrase which is a great reminder:

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“When David faced Goliath, he didn’t talk about how dangerous Goliath was.  He talked about how great God is.  Don’t talk fear, talk faith.”

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And I might add, especially talk faith to yourself.

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See here for initial steps on how to know God personally

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Who is the greatest person who has ever lived (other than Jesus)?

Continue reading →

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We all come across LOTS of things in today’s media environment.  I was just reading about a very public fairy-tale courtship, romance, and wedding – with people glowing about all the positives.  But a few people who knew the bride well said very early on that “she is not what she seems”.  And guess what, over time she revealed herself to be a big-time classic narcissist – everything is all about her, she’s always the victim, etc. etc.  She also undermined existing relationships the husband had with his family, and trashed his family in public.  The secular literature says that you cannot “diagnose” a narcissist from a distance, and there is probably some truth to that, but sometimes these public celebrities are so obvious you can’t help it.

Even though she hid her N traits at the beginning while she was trying to “seal the deal”, once married she began to reveal her true nature.  This reminded me of the following in Proverbs,

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He who hates disguises it with his lips,
But he lays up deceit in his heart.
When he speaks graciously, do not believe him,
For there are seven abominations in his heart.
Though his hatred covers itself with guile,
His wickedness will be revealed before the assembly. 

Proverbs 26:24-26

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What’s in people’s hearts ALWAYS reveals itself eventually.  One with insolent pride – a narcissist – will always ultimately reveal their true hearts.  Jesus said the same thing when he said,

the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. 

Matthew 12:34b

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As a side note, the entire second half of Proverbs 26 is filled with descriptions of narcissistic traits.  Take a look.

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See here for initial steps to peace with God

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Jesus said that establishing our lives on the solid rock of hearing … and doing.. His word is the difference between being able to weather the storms of life or crumbling in the face of them

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“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” 

Matthew 7:24-27

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The big question that everyone must face is “how do we know that God’s Word is true”?

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One way is through the internal consistency of the Bible.  While we may get hung up on the interpretation of an individual verse or passage, the Book as a whole is amazingly consistent.  The inspired harmony of the Bible is displayed in the consistency of its messages across time, writers, and words. The interwoven nature and consistent message of the Bible – a book penned by 40 authors over a span of 1500 years – is one demonstration that this amazing book and its message of God’s plan and provision for mankind truly comes from one Divine mind.

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This can be illustrated through a computer visualization of how the Bible ties together among the many passages.

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Another way is through the historical tracking of the Bible as far back as possible to the original writings (manuscripts) and the archaelogical work tying real events to real documents.

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Yet another is through the testimony of God’s creation.  Romans 1 says,

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. 

Romans 1:20

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However, I believe that the most solid foundation for confidence that God, the Bible, and it’s message are real is the documented historical fact of the birth, life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.   Look around you.  NO ONE comes back to life after they have been dead for three days.  The historically documented fact of Jesus’ resurrection is solid proof that it is all real.

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Consider the above as simply a starting point for your own exploration.  However, if Jesus and His Word are real and true, then it bodes us well to heed His message to build our lives on listening to His words, and following them.

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Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally

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Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.  Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

Hebrews 4:14-16

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I stumbled across this recently on Instagram.  Yes, God wants to do good for us and meet our genuine needs through answered prayer, but we should not forget that His kindness in hearing our requests – without rebuke – is also a privilege He extends.  Worth a listen…..

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A post shared by Christian Inspirational Page (@betteryouliving)

Click here to learn some initial steps on how to know God personally

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Note:  The phrase “pray strong” may give the wrong impression, as of course it is GOD’s strength that matters.  The point is that we can ask the God of the universe for His help in specific ways that can make a huge difference. 

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When we are in a difficult situation with a narcissist we are sometimes given the prescription to “pray about it”.  This might be given with good intentions, but often without real understanding of what’s going on.  It’s always appropriate to bring God right into the middle of our problems.  But how we pray makes all the difference.

There are a few ways we can pray through our N challenge.  One is how we pray for ourselves.  Another is how we pray about specific ways of navigating our interface with them, or dealing with the fallout of the turmoil they create.  And yet another is how we pray for them.  This Part 2  gives an introduction of how to pray through the situation.

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God designed “need” to motivate us to seek Him, and walk with Him in a moment by moment manner.  “Need” started even in the Garden of Eden, before sin entered the world.  Adam and Eve were dependent on God.  Man has always sought to escape need.  For example, we want to have a  bank account big enough (although it’s never big enough) that we don’t need to worry.  I have a phrase I am praying for myself and my family that we would turn every need into prayer.

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This part 2 of “praying strong” is about praying for practical solutions in our situation with our narcissist.  The theme scripture for this post is:

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The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.  Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the earth for three years and six months. Then he prayed again, and the sky poured rain and the earth produced its fruit. 

James 5:16a-18

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There are times when we can “avoid” a narcissist, but other times when we cannot.  What do we do then?  I will illustrate my point with a situation from one of my sons (early 20’s) which has happened over this past year.

“J” took a new job last September working for someone who he considers to be a great (i.e. – easy to work for) boss in a tiny company.  However, that boss needed a second worker, and one month into J’s job the boss hired what proved to be a classic, big-time narcissist, “R”.  I will not go into the attitudes, traits, and actions that demonstrate the extent of “R’s” narcissism, but let’s just say that “R” would rank high on anyone’s scale.  “J” is aware of the traits of narcissists, but even with that it took a couple of months for “R’s” full colors to reveal themselves.  What was “J” to do?  Quit his job to get away?  Complain to the boss?

In a large company you might be able to change departments to get away from a toxic co-worker, but in a tiny company that is not possible.  The path chosen was to ask God for for day-to-day practical solutions, while at the same time praying about a longer term fix.

We tend to be lazy in our praying, and also tend to NOT want to seek God.  That results in us praying feebly for a monolithic, magic-bullet, single solution that solves EVERYTHING with the least amount prayer and work on our part.  (And many times we do not pray at all, and simply  think about how we can take things into our own hands to save ourselves from a situation).

We pray something like “God, deliver me from this situation”.  There is nothing wrong with that kind of prayer.  But God may also want us to walk hand-in-hand with Him THROUGH the situation, praying specific prayers for God’s specific help in situations created by our toxic narcissist.

The list of what this might be is endless.  Every difficulty – even the most minor – in our lives is an opportunity for God to show His goodness and power, further revealing facets of His glory.  Each is similar to the common trouble we all face…..

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. 

1 Corinthians 10:13

⁹ For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His. 

2 Chronicles 16:9

We may say, “why do I have to go through this, and go to all this work?”  Or, we may say, “I tried that, and it did not work”.  Yes, our nature is to NOT persevere – we do not want the hassle.  The alternative is to leave God out of it, take things into our hands, and find our own solutions – but that path will include consequences.  God is constantly working for us to seek Him, to know Him, and to trust Him.  HE is not going to give up on that.  It is up to us how we respond.  We can seek His help or not – it’s up to us.  But we should remember that we are ignoring the help of the One who knows everything, who is all-wise, who has our good in mind – and has the power to create the universe.

This practice of praying specific “tactical” prayers in dealing with evil has application beyond individual situations with a narc.  It sure appears that evil is on the increase in our society.  We cannot avoid it.  The lessons we can learn in praying practically through situations with a narcissist can be very useful as we navigate this present evil world.

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Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally

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Note:  there are times when the prescription for dealing with an N is to avoid them.  This post is for those times when we cannot do that. 

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When we are in a difficult situation with a narcissist we might be given the prescription to “pray about it”.  This might be given with good intentions, but often without real understanding of what’s going on.  It’s always appropriate to bring God right into the middle of our problems.  But how we pray makes all the difference.

There are a few ways we can pray through our N challenge.  One is how we pray for ourselves.  Another is how we pray about specific ways of navigating our interface with them, or dealing with the fallout of the turmoil they create.  And yet another is how we pray for them.  This Part 1  gives an introduction of how we pray for them.

Jesus made the following difficult statement:

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“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

Matthew 5:43-45

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Some people have criticized the Biblical approach to dealing with narcissists by suggesting that it’s  simply a posture of passively allowing ourselves to be beaten up.  Jesus’s statement above and his statement just prior to “turn the other cheek” might be construed as advocating just that.  However, this critique looks at things on simply a human “me vs. them” plane, and leaves out the fact that we can invite the God who has the power to create and hold together the entire universe right into the middle of our struggle.

Jesus’ admonition to “pray for those who persecute you” did not describe “how” to pray.  How we pray makes all the difference.  For example, David prayed for his enemies like this in Psalm 35,

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Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me;
Fight against those who fight against me.
² Take hold of buckler and shield
And rise up for my help.

³ Draw also the spear and the battle-axe to meet those who pursue me;
Say to my soul, “I am your salvation.”
⁴ Let those be ashamed and dishonored who seek my life;
Let those be turned back and humiliated who devise evil against me.

 

⁵ Let them be like chaff before the wind,
With the angel of the Lord driving them on.
⁶ Let their way be dark and slippery,
With the angel of the Lord pursuing them.
⁷ For without cause they hid their net for me;
Without cause they dug a pit for my soul.

 

⁸ Let destruction come upon him unawares,
And let the net which he hid catch himself;
Into that very destruction let him fall. 

Psalm 35:1-8

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I suggest you read the entire Psalm 35.  God says in Romans 12:19 (quoting Deuteronomy 32:35) that “vengeance is Mine, I will repay.”  Our job is to do good, God’s job is to defend us and execute justice – as only He can do with complete wisdom.  David focused on doing right, and prayed that God would deal with his enemies.

Can we also pray in a strong way for our narcissist, that does them good?  The answer is yes.

The narcissist’s greatest need is to humble themselves before the almighty God of the universe.  Their insolent pride torments us, but you can be sure that God feels more strongly about it than we do.  God demonstrated His ability to humble those who walk in pride by humbling the greatest man in the world of the time – King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon.  God dealt with Nebuchadnezzar over a period of 30 years, continuing to reveal Himself and help Nebuchadnezzar understand his place before God.  In the end, God took very strong action for Nebuchadnezzar to finally recognize God as the Lord, by making Nebuchadnezzar insane and living like an animal for 7 years until he finally submitted.  The result was this amazing statement by Nebuchadnezzar:

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³⁴ “But at the end of that period, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High and praised and honored Him who lives forever;

For His dominion is an everlasting dominion,
And His kingdom endures from generation to generation.
³⁵ “All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
But He does according to His will in the host of heaven
And among the inhabitants of earth;
And no one can ward off His hand
Or say to Him, ‘What have You done?’

³⁶ At that time my reason returned to me. And my majesty and splendor were restored to me for the glory of my kingdom, and my counselors and my nobles began seeking me out; so I was reestablished in my sovereignty, and surpassing greatness was added to me. 

³⁷ Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise, exalt and honor the King of heaven, for all His works are true and His ways just,

and He is able to humble those who walk in pride.”

Daniel 4

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Part of Nebuchadnezzar’s humbling process was God’s persistent revelation of His greatness and glory, as discussed in Ephesians 1.

Jesus tells us to pray for our narcissist, but why not pray strongly?  First pray that God would protect us from them and that their attempts to harm us would fail.  Second, pray that God would humble them and enlighten their eyes to see God’s greatness and themselves in light of that greatness.  And third, to make sure our hearts are right and to act as “sons of light”, we can also pray for a specific need they may have – either for their salvation, or some practical need.

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If you are married to someone who is a genuine Christian, but still has the residual narcissistic blind spots from their “old man” (Romans 6), ask God to reveal it to them, convict them of it, and bring them to genuine repentance.

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Pray for your narcissist – but pray strongly.

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Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally.

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For those suffering at the hands of narcissists – scoffers with insolent pride – a common question is “why”?  Why is God allowing this in my life?

There are many things to consider, but one answer is that it could be part of His discipline.  Those that are struggling to overcome a view of God as a big “punisher”, or who do not like the idea that God allows any pain into a person’s life, will struggle with this.  To be clear, God is a God of love and acts out of His fundamental goodness.  But sometimes that goodness means discipline (Hebrews 12), and He uses various means as part of the process.

The Biblical foundation for this is Hosea 7:5, which says that “….He stretched out his hand with scoffers”.  Just like in everything else, God can use scoffers as tools for His purposes.

We saw this in the case of David and Absalom.  When David sinned with Bathsheba, God told David through the prophet Nathan.

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Why have you despised the word of the Lord by doing evil in His sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword, have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the sons of Ammon.   Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.’ 

Thus says the Lord, ‘Behold, I will raise up evil against you from your own household; I will even take your wives before your eyes and give them to your companion, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. Indeed you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and under the sun.’” 

2 Samuel 12:9-12

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This happened.  David’s son Absalom was narcissistic, to the point that he even weighed his cut hair to show how lush it was (2 Samuel 14:26).  2 Samuel describes other examples of Absalom’s narcissistic traits.  Absalom’s narcissism led him to seek to overthrow David to become king, resulting in David fleeing Jerusalem to escape.  God ultimately delivered David out of Absalom’s hand, but not before God had used Absalom – to discipline David for his sin.

This was a Biblical case study.  I also know of two cases close to home.  I am by no means saying that every narcissist in our life is God’s punishment for something we’ve done in the past.  Absolutely not.  But it is possible.

How do we respond to this?  The normal tools for dealing with narcissists (addressed in this blog and in the book “A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism”) are appropriate.  In addition we should consider the admonition in Hebrews:

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For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
Nor faint when you are punished by Him;
For whom the Lord loves He disciplines,
And He punishes every son whom He accepts.”

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. For the moment, all discipline seems not to be pleasant, but painful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is impaired may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.

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Pay particular attention to the last phrase in Hebrews 12:13.  How do we respond?  “Make straight paths for your feet” – live a life of righteousness – “so that the limb which is impaired (lame) may not be dislocated (permanently injured), but rather be healed.”

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See here for initial steps to peace with God

David and Absalom

Reproofs

NOT EVERYONE