Why God “Allows” N’s To Wreak Havoc – To Build Our Capacity For Love


1 Timothy 1:5

But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

In the middle of our struggles with the N in our lives, we are typically focused on simply surviving the situation.  It seems incredible to think in terms of thriving.  And even more incredible to think in terms of moving past bitterness toward becoming a more loving person ourselves – not just toward the N, but people in general.
However, God in His goodness toward us is intending to use our struggle to actually build in us a greater capability and capacity for love.  As heaven is a world of love, this capacity for love is not just for this world, but also for the one to come (heaven).   A greater capacity for love is not equivalent to being more of a doormat for your N, but is instead a broad-based foundation for a more meaningful and fruitful life in all its aspects.

 A key component of becoming more loving is to have a more pure heart (“love from a pure heart” – I TImothy 1:5).  Our own selfishness, pride, greed, etc gets in the way of being more loving.   Purifying our own hearts is foundational to building our own capacity for love.

1 Peter 1:22

22 Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,


God has established the pain of suffering as one means of purification for our souls.  Somehow, suffering has a cleansing effect on our hearts, our goals, and our motives.

Proverbs 20:30

30 Stripes that wound scour away evil,
And strokes reach the innermost parts.


It is always important to understand that in suffering God is not just beating us up, but rather is acting as a loving father who helping us become better people – and is with us in the middle of the pain.


Hebrews 12:10

10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.


Scoffers are one tool in the hand of God toward this end

Hosea 7:5

On the day of our king, the princes became sick with the heat of wine;
He stretched out his hand with scoffers,


In the midst of this process, we should remember that He will will not test us more than we are able, and that His grace is always sufficient while dealing with our own personal “thorn in the flesh” that comes at the hand of a scoffer in our lives.


2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.


 It is always important to remember that even while God is using the N for our good, God will judge the N appropriately.  Also, in the midst of God using the situation for our good, there are still wise and practical ways of handling things.  And it is always helpful to remember that


2 Corinthians 4:17-18

17 …..momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.


Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective



One response

  1. God is always teaching us something about ourselves. God has used the Narcissist In my life to teach me about the fruits of the Spirit. I’ve learned to look for missing fruit in my life. Then I ask or pray for that fruit, but for the right reasons, mainly to bring glory to God. If something brings glory to God it will be good for me too. Also the fruit can be an indicator of when I’m walking away from the Spirit if I see myself loosing one of them (training). Another place God has given to help me is his armor. I pray it on stand in his righteousness or you could say on his principals, they are not the things I would normally do when I’m trusting my own flesh or thinking. Doing this renews my mind with Gods ways when I put them into practice. I let his word work and when I see movement I move forward with love or the gospel of mercy, grace and forgiveness. This seems to work best with the Narcissist in my life. Each time I do this my pain is less, at each point of battle my forbearance, joy, peace, self control, kindness, gentleness, love for others increases. The more good I do for this person and my neighbors the more everything increases again so much that my cup overflows. This I think is where what the bible calls heaping coals on the person head is actually the love of God working through me running over into their life and they are changed. Though it is hard to go through or be filled in the first place I’ve learned standing for Gods principles and trusting God for the change is the way to go and be refilled quicker or be given even more. I’m reminded of the song “Standing on the Promises of God”. Over time this has increased my faith and faithfulness not only to God but to others. I may be weak, but trusting in Gods strength. Not my will but Gods will be done. I do not force an issue but I can stand solid on an issue in love while showing love and not my wrath, while waiting until Gods will is done. God says vengeance is mine. When I see the opportunity to move forward, I’m ready to move with the gospel in word and in action. I can say Gods word is true because when I put what can into practice it actually works.


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