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This blog mostly digs into the nuts and bolts of how narcissist traits, tactics, how they got that way and what to do with our situations.  But we also need to understand the big question of “where is God in all of this”?

Two books that have been very helpful to me in the past few years.  Both are by John Piper.  The first book is “Spectacular Sins And Their Global Purpose In The Glory of Christ” 

The second book is “Future Grace;  The Purifying Power of The Promises of God”

These books do not talk about narcissism or insolent pride at all, but lifted my perspective to see a kind, loving, wise, powerful God who is behind everything and constantly working to show His greatness in and toward us.    They will not give you “all the answers”, but do provide a framework for processing God’s hand in the events of your life.

They are worth a look.  You can get them on Amazon, your Christian book distributor – or get free PDF downloads and/or summaries here by clicking on the links in this post.

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Spectacular Sins, and Their Global Purpose In The Glory of Christ

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Future Grace: The Purifying Power of the Promises of God

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* Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here

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Proverbs 22:3

The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.

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Many of you reading this blog found it through a search for answers in dealing with a narcissist in your life.  You may be in your situation through no fault of your own (you were born to narcissistic parents), through poor relationship choices, or through being duped (deceived) by someone pretending to be something they were not.  Even while struggling in an existing situation, we should know that this will not be the only narcissist (one with insolent pride) you encounter.  More will come your way.

As we discussed here, one way to deal with Narcissists (= “proud, haughty, scoffer”, see here) is to avoid them altogether.  The N’s goal is to conceal themselves until they have wormed their way into your life.  But, as in one application of the principle in Proverbs 22:3, if you are prudent you will learn to recognize them, see the clues, and avoid them.

One area in which this is useful is hiring decisions.  The best way to deal with a narcissist in the workplace is to keep them from getting into your company or onto your team in the first place.

The problem with avoiding the hiring of a narcissist is that they are especially good at presenting themselves in the best light in an interviewing process.   And the interviewing process is typically brief enough that it is hard to sort out fact from fiction in such a short period of time.

I found a simple 10 question test to administer in order to quickly find out how “narcissistic” a prospective employee or team member may be.  You can find it here.  The test is not exhaustive or definitive, but it may give you some indication as to whether you have a potential narcissist on your hands.

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You need to score the test yourself

1. Put the number in each box
2. Add up the total
3. The “narcissism scale” runs from 10 to 50.  The closer to 50, the more narcissistic the candidate, the closer to 10, the less narcissistic the candidate.

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I learned this lesson very painfully a few years back.  It was in an international setting, there was a major language barrier, and I was on my own for a couple months while other staff were out of the country doing other things.  I gave this test to a prospective hire, who scored very close to 50.  I should have heeded the warning and backed out of the business relationship, but felt that I was in too deep to do so.  I was wrong, and should have found a way to exit anyway.  The end result was major difficulty for him and for me.  For security reasons I really can’t share it, but it was bad.

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I urge you, and urge myself, to continue to learn prudence in recognizing N’s and avoiding entanglement, when it is possible.

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Click here for an introduction to what this blog is about

See here for an introduction on how to know God personally

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All of us stand on the shoulders of those who have come before.  It’s not just what we learn from them, but the example of their lives.   Paul said,

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You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of [referring to Biblical truth], knowing from whom you have learned them…

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2 Timothy 3:14

One of those “shoulders” among many for me has been Randy Alcorn – someone who has a clear view of our eternal future, which provides the ultimate perspective on the challenges of our current lives.

He provided the following great perspective on his blog, and rather than stumble through my own explanation it is far better for you to hear it directly from him.  The following is reprinted in its entirety from Randy Alcorn’s blog at Eternal Perspectives Ministry

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The Reversal Doctrine

Luke 16:19-31 tells us the story of a rich man, and a poor man named Lazarus. The rich man dressed well, lived in luxury, and was apparently healthy. Lazarus was a beggar, diseased, dirty, and “longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table” (Luke16:21). If I asked, “Who would you rather be, the rich man or Lazarus?” you would presumably reply, “The rich man, of course.”

We aren’t told that this rich man was dishonest or irreligious or that he was worse than your average person. We don’t know that he despised poor Lazarus; we only know that he ignored him. He lived his life as if the poor man didn’t exist. He didn’t use his God-provided wealth to care for another man in need.

Both men die. Lazarus goes to Heaven and the rich man goes to hell. When the rich man begs Abraham from across the gulf to send Lazarus to relieve his suffering, Abraham replies, “Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony” (Luke 16:25).

Now that you’ve heard the rest of the story, who would you rather be, the rich man or Lazarus? You’d probably like to switch places, wouldn’t you? But that’s Abraham’s point: After death, it’s too late to switch.

This parable represents a strong and often overlooked New Testament teaching, which we might call “the reversal doctrine.” It teaches that in eternity many of us will find ourselves in opposite conditions from our current situation on earth.

In this life, the rich man “lived in luxury every day,” while Lazarus begged at his gate, living in misery. At the moment of death, their situations reversed—the rich man was in hell’s torment and the poor man in Heaven’s comfort.

It would be both simplistic and theologically inaccurate to conclude that Heaven is earned by poverty and hell is earned by wealth. But this parable is not isolated—it corroborates a host of other teachings by Jesus, as well as those of the apostles.

In the song she composed in anticipation of Christ’s birth, Mary said, “He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty” (Luke1:53).

“Blessed are you who are poor,” Jesus says, and “Woe to you who are rich,” precisely because their status will one day be reversed (Luke6:20, 25). The poor in spirit, those who mourn, those who are meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness and are persecuted will be relieved and fulfilled and have a great reward in heaven (Matthew 5:3-12). Those praised in this world will not be highly regarded in the next, and vice versa (Matthew 6:1-4, 16-18). Those who are exalted in this life will often be humbled in the next; those who are humbled here on earth will be exalted in Heaven (Matthew23:12).

Those who are poor in this world will often be rich in the next, and those who are rich in this world will often be poor in the next (James 1:9-12). The poor are reassured that the hoarding and oppressing rich will one day be punished and the honest poor will be relieved (James 5:1-6). In Revelation 18:7, a voice from Heaven says of materialistic Babylon, “Give her as much torture and grief as the glory and luxury she gave herself.”

Some of these passages may present us with theological difficulties, but all of them remind us that temporal sacrifices will pay off in eternity and temporal indulgences will cost us in eternity. These are the verses that encouraged Christian slaves and should have served warning to the plantation owners who were profiting from slavery. The reversal doctrine is comforting to the poor and weak, and threatening to the rich and powerful. But it’s a consistent teaching of the New Testament—one that confirms the premise that materialism is not only wrong but stupid. Conversely, trusting God, giving and caring and sharing are not only right but smart.

Someday this upside-down world will be turned right side up. Nothing in all eternity will turn it back again. If we are wise, we will spend our brief lives on earth positioning ourselves for the turn.

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There are several Psalms that describe and address those with insolent pride (aka narcissists – see here).  Psalm 12 is one of those Psalms.   It describes them strutting about with the insolently prideful attitude that no one can tell them what to do (“who is lord over us”).  They flatter and speak lies , believing that they can get what they want through manipulating people and situations by what they say (“with our tongue we will prevail”).  Classic narcissistic approach.

But it also invites the Lord to cut them off, and describes how, ultimately, God will protect His people from these evil people.

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12 Help, Lord, for the godly man ceases to be,
For the faithful disappear from among the sons of men.
² They speak falsehood to one another;
With flattering lips and with a double heart they speak.

³ May the Lord cut off all flattering lips,
The tongue that speaks great things;
⁴ Who have said, “With our tongue we will prevail;
Our lips are our own; who is lord over us?”
⁵ “Because of the devastation of the afflicted, because of the groaning of the needy,
Now I will arise,” says the Lord; “I will set him in the safety for which he longs.”

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* Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible describes as “insolent pride” (see here)

See here for initial steps on how to know God personally

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Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you…… 

Proverbs 9:8

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He who hates disguises it with his lips,
But he lays up deceit in his heart.
When he speaks graciously, do not believe him,
For there are seven abominations in his heart.
Though his hatred covers itself with guile,
His wickedness will be revealed before the assembly. 

Proverbs 26:24-26

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When a narcissist flatters you, he is not lifting you up but instead laying a trap of some kind.  What you see and what is really happening are two completely different things.  In the same way, a scoffer (narcissist) who hates you will disguise that hate – for awhile.  He may speak graciously to you face-to-face, but in his heart is plotting to somehow “get you” .  When the opportunity presents itself to trash you publicly he will take it – “his wickedness will be revealed before the assembly”.

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See here for initial steps on how to know God personally

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The Pharisees are a prominent example of Insolent Pride / Narcissism in the Bible (see here and here).  They were described as “scoffers” in Isaiah 28, and “scoffers” are one of the “names” given to those with insolent pride – [“‘Proud’, ‘haughty’, ‘scoffer’ are his names who acts with insolent pride” – Proverbs 21:24].  And insolent pride = narcissism (see here).

A prime characteristic of a scoffer is that they set themselves up as judge over others, based on an arbitrary standard of their own creation.   They will not try to keep their own standard, as they see themselves as above the rules.  And they will change the standard as necessary to suit their primary objective of being “above” others (that’s one of the reasons its an “arbitrary” standard).  The imperative of scoffers / insolent pride / narcissists is to maintain their superiority over others.

Here are some examples of the Pharisees acting as judge:

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When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, “Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?” 

Matthew 9:11

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The Pharisees set an implied arbitrary rule as to who “righteous” people should eat with, and then judged Jesus against that rule]

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Then the disciples of John *came to Him, asking, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but Your disciples do not fast?” 

Matthew 9:14

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The Pharisees took something they were doing (fasting), and turned it into a standard they could use with which to judge others]

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But the Pharisees were saying, “He casts out the demons by the ruler of the demons.” 

Matthew 9:34

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Rather than carefully exploring how Jesus was able to cast out demons, the Pharisees jumped to the conclusion that since Jesus’ power could not be from God (based on the Pharisees’ own pre-determined view), it had to come from Satan.  Since falsely attributing Jesus’ miracles to Satan’s power would clearly undermine Jesus’ ministry, the Pharisees were quick to take the opportunity to do this.

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But when the Pharisees saw this, they said to Him, “Look, Your disciples do what is not lawful to do on a Sabbath.” 

Matthew 12:2

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The Pharisees were interpreting the law according to their own opinion, and using their interpretation as the basis for judging Jesus]

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But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, “This man casts out demons only by Beelzebul the ruler of the demons.” 

Matthew 12:24

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Once again, rather than honestly exploring the true source Jesus’ ability to cast out demons, the Pharisees were quick to judge and condemn Him, based on an interpretation that would most fully demean and undermine Jesus.

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See here for initial steps on how to know God personally

* Narcissism is the colloquial secular term for what the Bible refers to as “insolent pride”.

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Based on recent responses to the book – A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism – there seems to be confusion by some regarding the proper response to a narcissist.  Some believe that the book simply advocates “being a dormat and pray”, while others are disappointed that the book does not take a hard-line position of “no contact”.  Yet others believe that the book advocates for adult children of narcissistic parents to remain obedient.  None of these are a correct reading of the what the book says.  The proper response to narcissists is far more nuanced – depending on the relationship and bringing the all-knowing, all-powerful God of the universe into the middle of the equation.

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The general Biblical principle is to “avoid them”.

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3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵ holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. 

2 Timothy 3:1-5

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Jesus said “leave them alone” (Matthew 15), and Paul said “do not become slaves of men” (I Corinthians 7:23).

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That is the general principle, but how you apply it depends on the relationship and circumstances.   David fled from King Saul, while Jesus engaged the Pharisees from time to time even while maintaining His own mission undeterred by their attempts to derail Him.  Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego left it to God to rescue them from the hands of King Nebuchadnezzar.

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For a current example, my youngest son currently works in a crew of only 2 people – with the other crewmate being a highly narcissistic co-worker who seeks to lord it over him and throw him under the bus whenever something goes wrong.  He could immediately quit, but he needs the job.  Yes, ultimately he needs to get away from that guy, but also needs God’s wisdom, guidance and help on how to wisely navigate the change.  In the meantime, son #3 needs to put on the “full armor of God” in dealing with his co-worker (Ephesians 6).

Another example would be if you recognize you have a narcissistic teenage son.  You would not immediately kick him out the house, right?  But you would need great wisdom in how to pray and manage the relationship.

In a clear case, if you have a highly toxic narcissistic best friend, it would be wise to avoid them.  In another example, if you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent you can “create space” (i.e. – avoid) as part of managing the relationship.  You have no obligation to obey them and “make them happy”, but you do need to show proper honor even while you live your own life.  In my own case, when I realized in my 20’s that I could not please my mom no matter what I did, I gave up bothering with it.  I still was kind and helpful as appropriate, but I stopped letting her expectations drive what I did – while managing my interface with her.

Each circumstance is different, but you can find ways to “create space” – sometimes permanently, but often using case-by-case wisdom as the circumstances require.  It is always appropriate to ask and trust God to help you create that space, whether small or large, frequently or infrequently.  The son of a family friend is married to the most toxic person I’ve ever become aware of.  She is absolutely destroying his self-worth, and controlling every communication he has with the outside world.  There is a lot to discuss about what needs to happen, but God gave him a break when she decided to go the UK with her mom on a trip.

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Each relationship in our lives comes with some level of responsibility.  From “little to no” responsibility in the case of a first time acquaintance or random passerby, to “total” responsibility in the case of a newborn child born to us.  Narcissists will try to make us feel more responsible than we should for their “happiness/success/well-being”.  In each case we need to wisely understand what our actual responsibility is in the relationship (not just what the N says it is), and “create space” (avoid) in ways consistent with our actual responsibilities.

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Most of us simply want relief, but God has a bigger picture in mind  Relief will ultimately come, and God will judge the narcissist – but He also wants us to grow into better people in and through the process.

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*narcissist is the current secular term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here for more.