His praise shall continually be in my mouth.2 My soul will make its boast in the Lord;The humble will hear it and rejoice.
Psalm 34:1-2
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Thus says the Lord, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches;but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 9:23-24
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Narcissists boast, and if you listen long enough, even covert narcissists will boast. They frequently boast about what they have done, but might also boast about what others have done in a way that still gives them credit – that they influenced or caused it to happen in some way.
Because narcissists have a self-centered rather than God-centered view of everything, what narcissists will not do is give God the credit He deserves. They do not realize that everything that anyone is able to do ultimately has God’s enablement as the foundation.
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36 For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.
Romans 11:36
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It is virtually impossible for someone with strong narcissist tendencies to boast in God and give Him credit for an accomplishment. It’s quite normal to NOT hear others give God credit for things, even in church, but when someone overtly and consistently gives themselves credit for everything, they are giving you a clue that they may be a narcissist.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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NOTE: This is the last day for the free Kindle book giveaway of “Time To Prepare: Signposts On The Road To The End”. This offer ends midnight tonight, Pacific Time. No strings attached.
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Some music (but not a lot) has great theology embedded. Last week I heard for the first time in a long time a song with great, Biblically-based words – Be Still My Soul, set to the melody “Finlandia”.
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Be Still My Soul (Lyrics)
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Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to thy God to order and provide;
in ev’ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
thro’ thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
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Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice, who ruled them while He dwelt below.
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Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the veil of tears,
then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
from His own fullness all He takes away.
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Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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Continuing in our case study of Haman. Even though Haman had achieved “everything”, he was obsessed with the one thing he didn’t have – Mordecai’s recognition of Haman’s “glory”. That is typical of narcissists* – they can have everything going “right” in their world, but in the middle of that will obsess about one little slight that they think they have received from someone.
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3 After these events King Ahasuerus promoted Haman, the son of Hammedatha the Agagite, and advanced him and established his authority over all the princes who were with him.All the king’s servants who were at the king’s gate bowed down and paid homage to Haman; for so the king had commanded concerning him. But Mordecai neither bowed down nor paid homage……….When Haman saw that Mordecai neither bowed down nor paid homage to him, Haman was filled with rage.
Esther 3:1-5
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This happened more than once.
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9 Then Haman went out that day glad and pleased of heart; but when Haman saw Mordecai in the king’s gate and that he did not stand up or[tremble before him, Haman was filled with anger against Mordecai. Haman controlled himsef, however, went to his house and sent for his friends and his wife Zeresh.
Then Haman recounted to them the glory of his riches, and the number of his sons, and every instance where the king had magnified him and how he had promoted him above the princes and servants of the king.Haman also said, “Even Esther the queen let no one but me come with the king to the banquet which she had prepared; and tomorrow also I am invited by her with the king.
Yet all of this does not satisfy me every time I see Mordecai the Jew sitting at the king’s gate.”
Esther 5:9-13
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By his own words, even though the king promoted Haman to 2nd in command in the kingdom, Haman said, “yet all of this does not satisfy me every time I see Mordecai the Jew sitting at the king’s gate”.
One prime characteristic of one with insolent pride (narcissists) is that they want it ALL, they are never completely satisfied, they want to be unquestionably #1 with no exceptions, they want everyone’s love and admiration. This drive is so entrenched in their hearts that they obsess over any “slight” that challenges it.
A story circulated a years ago about a famous, obviously narcissistic politician who could be in a room of admirers, but would spend an entire evening trying to win over the one person in the room whom he sensed had less than complete admiration. He could not tolerate less than complete admiration.
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When they are slighted it can lead to anger, and even retribution, as Haman’s case study shows.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Pay heed, you senseless among the people;And when will you understand, stupid ones?
He who planted the ear, does He not hear?He who formed the eye, does He not see?
He who chastens the nations, will He not rebuke,Even He who teaches man knowledge?
The Lord knows the thoughts of man,That they are a mere breath.
Psalm 94:8-11
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As we said here, one fear we may have in our dealings with a narcissist (one with insolent pride) is that the narcissist might be “getting away with it”. Holding on to this fear prevents us from releasing things to God and turning our focus to our own heart, wise actions, and responsibilities – rather than on what the narcissist is doing. Our fear that the narcissist will receive no consequences is based on two separate fears: 1. That God does not see what’s going on, and 2. That even if He does see, He is not going to do anything about it.
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Even though a narcissist / one with insolent pride may work very hard to conceal their true goals, motives, and tactics for achieving what they want – and even though they may fool most people most of the time – God fully sees what they’re doing and the evil in their hearts that is driving their actions. And He will not let them get away with it, but will judge them and provide the exact consequences needed.
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Letting God do His job frees us to focus on gaining the wisdom we need to deal with our narcissist.
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O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;Nor do I involve myself in great matters,Or in things too difficult for me.Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;Like a weaned child rests against his mother,My soul is like a weaned child within me.
Psalm 131
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In Psalm 131, “great matters” refers to God orchestrating everything as part of His grand plan for a purpose of love. And “things too difficult for me” are things that God controls on my behalf and for my good, out of His goodness and grace. Leaving things of God to God, and focusing on my own part, lays the foundation for a far greater peace.
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Please see here for the initial steps on how to know God personally
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
We are frequently tempted to lament that the arrogant “get away with it” – prospering, thinking far more highly of themselves than they should, and even speaking against God. This was certainly the case of the Psalmist in Psalm 73
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Surely God is good to Israel,To those who are pure in heart!But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling,My steps had almost slipped.
For I was envious of the arrogantAs I saw the prosperity of the wicked.For there are no pains in their death,And their body is fat.They are not in trouble as other men,Nor are they plagued like mankind.
Therefore pride is their necklace;The garment of violence covers them.Their eye bulges from fatness;The imaginations of their heart run riot.
They mock and wickedly speak of oppression;They speak from on high.They have set their mouth against the heavens,And their tongue ]parades through the earth.
Psalm 73:1-9
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But little do they know that when God says “enough”, they will fall from grace with surprising speed.
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When I pondered to understand this,It was troublesome in my sightUntil I came into the sanctuary of God;Then I perceived their end.
Surely You set them in slippery places;You cast them down to destruction.How they are destroyed in a moment!They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors!
Like a dream when one awakes,O Lord, when aroused, You will despise their form.
Psalm 73:16-20
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We see modern-day examples, but a prominent Biblical example of this sudden “fall from grace” iss Haman (book of Esther), a big-time narcissist. Haman had been given a position of highest prominence in the kingdom a year earlier, but used that position to orchestrate a national attack against God’s people. As a result he went from congratulating himself for Queen Esther’s invitation to a private banquet with the king, to being hung on the gallows in less than a week.
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God knows everything, is always aware, and always working in accordance with His purposes and ways. He is “opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” He always has the last say, in His way and in His timing.
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Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
12 For the Lord of hosts will have a day of reckoning Against everyone who is proud and lofty And against everyone who is lifted up, That he may be abased. Continue reading →
Pride goes before destruction,And a haughty spirit before stumbling.
Proverbs 16:18
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We have seen in these pages that the Bible discusses consequences for insolent pride – but sometimes it is hard to see in real life since it appears that narcissists almost always “get away with it” (see Psalm 73). One area where we would expect the consequences to be seen would be in the area of job performance.
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People in many lines of work get their performance evaluated through the eyes of others – thus giving the narcissist the opportunity to manipulate situations to his own advantage. However, in the field of money management the job performance is summarized in the simple final number of the investment return. This means that the ultimate job performance is not based on what people think, but on actual results.
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A study was done using the field of money management as the “hard number arbiter of job performance results” which shows that narcissists (embedded in a broader group of psychopaths) in fact do have lower job performance. If you’re interested, here is the article which discusses this:
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Psychopath Hedge Fund Managers Make Less Money
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Why would a narcissist have lower job performance? Because they think they know best, are unwilling to listen to wise counsel or anything that might prove them wrong, and in their superiority believe that minimal effort should result in maximum accolades.
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Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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We wrestle through much of our lives, often too busy to think deeply about what is going on. But, occasionally when we face a uniquely difficult situation we may ask ourselves “why”. Why did God “allow” this problem? Why is my life the way it is? We may look at the bigger picture by asking “why did God design life the way He did?”. The following is not an exhaustive discussion, but something to consider.
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As you ponder, a key piece is to understand that God has a fundamental plan for a purpose of love, for everyone.
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….. In all wisdom and insight He [God] made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him [Jesus] ……….. who (God) works all things after the counsel of His will, to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory.
Ephesians 1:8-12
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Ephesians 1:8-12 explains clearly that God has a plan – for you, me, everyone – for a purpose of love – “the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention”. This plan is not just spoken of in Ephesians 1. Isaiah talks about God’s wonderful works, based on His plans formed long ago (i.e. – before Creation), with perfect faithfulness (fully consistent with His nature, including His goodness).
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O Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name; For You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.
Isaiah 25:1
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To arrive at this plan, God thought through every possibility which could exist (“in all insight” – think trillions X trillions X trillions) and chose the optimal one (“in all wisdom”) which would accomplish His purpose of love. And He executes everything, down to the tiniest detail, according to the plan which he has created (“works all things after the counsel of His will”).
The essence of God’s nature is love, so any plan consistent with that nature would be a plan formed and executed from His heart of love.
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“God is love” – 1 John 4:8
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The centerpiece of this plan is the ultimate demonstration of His love (“which He purposed in Him [Jesus]”) through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus to save His enemies from the consequences of their actions.
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For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
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To emphasize again, God – out of His core nature of love and an overflowing desire to express that love – came up with the single best plan that would most fully demonstrate that love. And that plan would be to die for worthless, far-beneath-Him enemies to save them from what they deserved and to replace that with the highest standing possible as eternal citizens of Heaven.
The end of all of this is that we will praise Him for his manifold excellence (“praise of His glory”) which He has shown in every possible way – and of which we have been made a prime beneficiary. While God’s plan for a purpose of love is general (“for God so loved the world” – John 3:16), it is also specific to you and specific to me.
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When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!”
John 21:18-22
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When we ask why God is allowing a narcissist to wreak havoc in our lives, we can be confident in our belief that it is not random – there is a much bigger plan in play, and the essence of that plan is love. The proof of God’s goodness is Jesus’ death on the cross for us. And God makes it clear that if He was willing to do that, why would He not shower us with other demonstrations of His goodness?
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What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
Romans 8:31-32
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It is impossible for me or anyone else to tell you what God’s plan for a purpose of love is for you. God is weaving together millions of millions of life circumstances specifically for you. While the broad themes might be similar, your life and God’s plan for your life is one-of-a-kind. I have an identical twin brother, and we have a lot in common in our life trajectories – but our lives are not at all the same. My wife’s life and my life are very different, even though they are lived together.
Why this way? God’s BIG plan was realized through the singular most important event in history, but the billions x billions of demonstrations and outflowing of that plan through the wide variety of our individual lives further displays God’s glory like additional facets of a diamond. An 16-sided diamond is good, but a 10,000-sided diamond far more glorious in the light it reflects.
Of course, those who do not believe but reject God and His love have a very different outcome. They forfeit much of God’s goodness in this present life (they still receive His common goodness given to all mankind), and more importantly experience His wrath reserved for those who reject Him.
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Click here for initial steps to peace with God
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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One subject we have not talked about much is the difference between overt and covert narcissism. At its most basic:
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An overt narcissist is an in-your-face braggart and bully
A covert narcissist plays the victim, and uses manipulation and deceit to get what they want,
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There is not a clear line between the two – an overt narcissist may use manipulation and deceit, and a covert narcissist may be a bully if they get the chance.
As the covert narcissist is far more subtle, they are harder to spot. How can you recognize one in your midst? Look for non-stop drama and wide-spread conflict that you can’t quite identify nor be sure of the source.
Proverbs 22:10 makes clear that scoffers – a Biblical term for narcissist – are a source of contentiousness:
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Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, Even strife and dishonor will cease.
Proverbs 22:10
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The fact that if you drive them out, contention leaves as well means that narcissists are a source of contention. Proverbs 26:20 indicates that this contention can be very subtle.
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For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.
Covert narcissists will “whisper” as part of their toolbox to spread rumors, lies, and even true things that undermine others as part of their manipulation of a situation to achieve their own ends. The “whispering” is a source of contention and conflict, but they do it subtly and quietly so that they seem “innocent” even while they are wreaking destruction.
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So, if you are in a group that is roiling in conflict, look around and see if you can identify a covert narcissist who is subtly undermining others in order to achieve some goal of self-exaltation or dominance over one or more people.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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When we are in a difficult and stressful situation, we want solutions. But it would also be nice to have peace, and even joy in the middle of the situation. We will try to address joy in another blog post, but let’s start with attaining peace. Is there a consistent way to have peace even when under stress?
Psalm 131 explains how:
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O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;Nor do I involve myself in great matters,Or in things too difficult for me.2 Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;Like a weaned child rests against his mother,My soul is like a weaned child within me.3 O Israel, hope in the LordFrom this time forth and forever.
Psalm 131
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Key principles in this Psalm show us how to be at peace regardless of our circumstances
It starts with a humble heart
O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Psalm 131:1
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What is humility? One working definition is that it is clearly seeing God’s greatness, while at the same time recognizing our lack of greatness – our deep need in every area of life. Humility goes further to demonstrate our recognition of our needs by going to God for them instead of taking things into our hands. Humility also recognizes that our fellow man is in the exact same position as us, and rather than looking down our noses we assist them through encouraging them to look to God while at the same time helping them to the extent that we can.
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2. A humble heart leads us to let God be God, not attempting to take His place
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,Or in things too difficult for me.
Psalm 131:2
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Psalm 131 lists 2 things not to be involved with, leaving one thing that we should focus on. The 2 things to not involve ourselves with are:
“Great matters” – includes things which God and only God can orchestrate – this ranges from the geopolitical affairs of the world, to the weather, all the way down to how other people behave
“Things too difficult for me” – includes things beyond our ability to control. Can you change your spouse? No, only God can do that. Can you control every circumstance of your life? No. You CAN work hard, take personal responsibility, develop your personal character, and manage your personal response to others. But many parts of your life are in God’s hands, not yours.
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Not involving ourselves in these 2 things leaves us free to focus on what remains – things that God has made my responsibility. The implication is – “do what you can and should, and trust God for the rest”.
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Focusing on our responsibility and leaving the rest to God requires us to truly trust Him….
His 100 percent love for us,
His 100 percent knowledge and wisdom in guiding our situation,
His 100 percent power to execute His wise plan for us from His heart of goodness
His 100 percent consistency and faithfulness
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This is what Proverbs 3:5-6 talks about when it says,
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Trust in the Lord with all your heartAnd do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge Him,And He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
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Trusting in God means that we do not take HIS things into our own hands, which often makes things worse and results in a life where we feel that we are careening off the walls.
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God does give us prayer as a means to link His will with our hearts, and to give us an outlet for the anguish of our needs. God’s goal in EVERY situation is for us to know Him more, so that we more clearly see His greatness. Taking every need to Him in prayer is a key to doing this.
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Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
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Leaving God’s things to God leads to peace and contentment. Psalm 131 describes it this way.
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Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;Like a weaned child rests against his mother,My soul is like a weaned child within me.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
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“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
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For those who have been hurt by a narcissist*, a serious amount of comfort and healing are needed. While a certain amount of comfort can be provided by friends, there is a limit to what a friend can provide. Even if your friends have not also been fooled or tainted by the narcissist’s deceptions, they may not really understand the damage the narcissist has done. But even more fundamentally, no other human can truly feel everything you’re feeling.
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In Part 1 we discussed the fact that most people want intimacy, especially with someone who is somehow beautiful or worthy – as illustrated by the popularity of love songs and people wanting to attach to celebrities. But selfishness and self-centeredness on both sides of a potential “intimacy connection” makes it very difficult to actually achieve intimacy. This is especially true in a relationship with a narcissist – their total selfishness and self-aggrandizement makes it impossible to have 2-way intimacy with them, as they really do not care about you – just themselves. However, since the narcissist is a pro at “doing intimacy” early in a relationship, they can easily reel you in as an unsuspecting person hoping for true intimacy. Then, when the narcissist’s true selfishness is revealed, you discover that the intimacy you thought you had is nonexistent. The loss you feel is especially painful since you are worse off than from the time before you met the narcissist. Going from zero “intimacy” to “100”, back to zero feels worse than if you had just stayed at zero. Even though the “intimacy” you thought you had with the narcissist was never truly there, the sense of total loss you feel is very real.
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At the end of the day, there is only one person who is truly non-selfish, who genuinely loves us, who wants our best, who wants to know us, who wants us to know Him, and who is the most beautiful person we could ever be around. God’s better way is to center our search for intimacy on the one relationship where intimacy is definitely possible – with Him – and then springboard from that intimacy to greater intimacy with those around us. The intimacy with Him makes us to be less selfish, more beautiful, more compassionate ourselves – and those changes in us become the basis for greater intimacy with others. As we become more beautiful and attractive ourselves, others will seek to be around us and closer to us.
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O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and [b]when I rise up;You understand my thought from afar.3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Psalm 139:1-3
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One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord And to meditate in His temple.
Psalm 27:4
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We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is.
I John 3:2b
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We love, because He first loved us.
I John 4:19
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So, the road to intimacy starts with God. And that provides the basis for intimacy with others. And while this will likely not result in intimacy specifically with a narcissist in our life, it will provide the truest, deepest intimacy with the greatest person possible. That will enrich our lives and result in a beauty that is attractive to others.
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As we will see in future posts, this intimacy with God is also directly connected getting to maximum comfort and healing of hurts that have resulted from our dealings with narcissists.
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Additional Reading – to get started on the path to true intimacy
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What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Many, if not most people feel a deep inward need for intimacy. This desire can influence a lot of our decisions – it is real, and strong. If you doubt that, just look at the success of love songs or love story movies over the years. Of course the intimacy desired is with someone who is somehow “beautiful”.
One reason narcissists can so easily reel in unsuspecting people especially in a dating relationship is that they are very good at “doing” intimacy early in the relationship. And they push hard for instant intimacy. The narcissist’s “intimacy imperative” could be due to their strong drive to win you over quickly in order to achieve their ultimate self-serving goals. But, they could also be genuinely searching for intimacy themselves in order to fill gaps in their own soul – even though their narcissism will ultimately undermine the intimacy they seek.
When the narcissist has won you over, and then inevitably shows their true colors of selfishness and self-exaltation, it is an especially painful loss since you lost the intimacy that you thought you had finally found. The “intimacy” was never on a true foundation, but the sense of loss is nonetheless very real.
It is helpful to understand that it is partially our desire for intimacy that makes us vulnerable to the narcissist. This inward desire for intimacy is ok – and God-given. But instead of being a source of intimacy as we originally thought, the narcissist was actually the last person who was going to provide that intimacy. Our desire and search for intimacy contributed to our pain and sense of loss, but as we will see ahead is also the best way forward out of that pain.
To recap Part 1*, scoffers are hypocritical judges who accuse others of the very things of which they are guilty. This action is the Biblical equivalent of what the secular world calls “projection”. From Wikipedia:
“Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. It incorporates blame shifting.”
Those who have dealt with narcissists* most likely have experienced a situation where the narcissist accused you of a negative character trait or action, while at the same time they were far more guilty of the very same trait. Yes, there may have been a speck of truth in what they said, as none of us are perfect and “we all stumble in many ways“. But you may have been dumbfounded that someone who had the same issue in multiples would feel justified in attacking you for your little speck.
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Secular literature in the field of psychology has termed this behavior “projection”. Continue reading →
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