The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.
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Proverbs 22:3
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Following are ten questions to ask yourself to help determine if you might be developing a romantic relationship with a narcissist.
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Is my boyfriend a narcissist?
Does your boyfriend often talk about himself and his accomplishments?
Does he have a tendency to belittle or criticize others?
Does he have an inflated sense of self-importance?
Does he expect special treatment or to be put on a pedestal?
Does he have a lack of empathy for others?
Does he have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships?
Does he have a need for constant validation and admiration from others?
Does he have a tendency to manipulate or exploit others for his own gain?
Does he have a tendency to blame others for his own mistakes or shortcomings?
Does he have a history of behaving in a controlling or abusive manner towards others?
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Is my girlfriend a narcissist?
Does she constantly seek attention and validation from others?
Does she have a sense of entitlement and believe that she deserves special treatment?
Does she have difficulty empathizing with others and understanding their perspectives?
Does she often blame others for her problems and take little responsibility for her actions?
Does she have a tendency to manipulate and exploit others for her own gain?
Does she have a grandiose sense of self-importance and overestimate her abilities?
Does she have a strong need to be admired and have a sense of superiority over others?
Does she have a disregard for the feelings of others?
Does she have a tendency to become easily jealous or resentful of others?
Does she have a tendency to make everything about herself and not be interested in the lives of others?
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Something to consider…
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If I Say No, Am I Failing to Love?
When Love Says No is a 30-day devotional journey through biblical boundaries, for believers in a hard relationship who want to love well without being controlled.
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
Psalm 16:11
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In the blog post Crying Out, Seeking God we discussed that sometimes the very first step on a road to healing is simply to cry out to God for help. While you may not see an instant, dramatic change in your situation, you will often look back and see that time of crying out as the moment God put you on the path to His solution.
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I came across a blog entry by Dr. Linda Karges-Bone. It is a broader discussion of her take on the “contentious woman”, but includes her testimony of asking God for help, which began a road of healing. The entire blog entry is worth reading, but here is a key excerpt:
Now for the second round of reactions. It is quite possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I doubt it. Here’s why. I have done what researchers call a “double blind” test. I have tried it both ways. I lived the first decade of my marriage as a contentious woman. I pouted. I nagged. I saw myself as the unappreciated, overburdened, wife of a grumpy, difficult, selfish beast of a man. I have, at one point, been on the brink of losing my marriage. But two things saved me: God’s mercy and grace and my own decision to look for the good in my marriage instead of the bad.
In the case of Absalom, there is not a clear statement in the Bible about his insolent pride / narcissism. However, there are clues regarding Absalom’s drive for self-aggrandisement, which ultimately led to his own death. Absalom’s quest for exaltation resulted in his destruction, and in the process was a tool used by God to chasten David for his sin in the case of Bathsheba and Uriah.
This blog started as a result of a situation with a narcissist which led me to cry to God for “Help!” God’s process of answering that prayer began with leading me first to the secular definition, traits, and tactics. I thought, THIS is what I’m dealing with. After that I thought, “surely God says something about it”, and the research for this blog commenced.
The secular world does a good job of observing and describing narcissistic traits – as those are readily apparent to everyone to see. The difference between the secular and Biblical perspectives lie in 1. what is the cause, 2. what are possible solutions, and 3. how do you deal Biblically with them?
This is particularly appropriate in dating relationships. We have a friend who was recently badly hurt dating a narcissist. This friend constantly felt bad, and did not know why. I just shared with him an article I found @ https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist.
[Note: This blog entry is intended for men. It was a difficult blog post to write, and I’m still working through it. But it was far enough along to push the “publish” button and provide you with a launch point for your own search into the subject. It may seem as though I am just focusing on narcissistic women, with men as victims, but I hope to write a similar post on the reverse relationship – a wife living with a narcissistic husband – in the near future.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
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1 Corinthians 16:13-14
13 Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.14 Let all that you do be done in love.
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How is it possible to be peacefully married to a a contentious woman and still be a real man? A tough question. Her modus operandi is to dominate you, which leaves you the seemingly impossible choices of either fighting back and creating a war at home, or submitting, neither of which is appealing (or correct). This post summarizes a range of things to consider for dealing with the situation. Your contentious woman could range from one who is merely annoying to one who is “impossible to live with”.
4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
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The first line of Proverbs 12:4 is a marvelous, positive example – but since we are studying narcissism in particular we are going to focus here on the second line.
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While a contentious wife may operate in private, a shaming wife operates publicly, putting her husband to shame in front of other people. There are two ways that a wife could do this. One way would be inappropriate public behavior that dishonors both herself and her husband. You can easily think of your own examples, and they are not necessarily the actions of a narcissist / one with insolent pride.
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The second way a wife could shame her husband is through the narcissistic move of denigrating (ie – putting down, criticizing) her husband in public. Why might she do this? Continue reading →
I have been a little “stuck” on how to move forward with this study on Biblical perspectives on narcissism. There are subjects which I have started and not finished, and several more subjects to yet work through. Several people have written to me asking for more practical advice on how to deal with specific situations. Until now, I have avoided this, partly due to the fact that without finishing the foundational understanding of God’s plan of love, and His using evil for good as part of that plan, some practical solutions will not make sense to many readers. In addition, it is very difficult to provide counsel remotely, as it is difficult to understand the true situation.
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However, I recently received the following comment from “M” (in Africa, I think), Continue reading →
So how can a husband Biblically deal with a contentious (narcissist) wife? There are a few guideposts in the Bible that indicate an answer:
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Guidepost 1 – The Bible says that you will not be able to stop her from being contentious – therefore, a “full frontal attack” (ie – confrontation) will fail and result in a fight………
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Proverbs 27:15-16
15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike; 16 He who would restrain her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand.
There are comments in the secular world that more men are narcissistic than women. A couple of responses to that notion are:
There is very little factual basis for that assumption
Narcissism can take different forms (see here). The way a man reveals his narcissism may be different than a way a woman reveals her narcissism.
Narcissism is about the insolent pride of the heart, for which both men and women have a propensity
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Having said that, the following discussion is not intended to say that women are more narcissistic than men. It is simply a discussion on how the Bible describes one way that a woman’s narcissism may reveal itself.
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The Bible has a few choice things to say about a contentious wife
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Proverbs 21:9 – It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
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