For many readers, The First Will Be Last was the book that finally put a name to what they were living with. Scripture calls it pride: self-exalting, insolent pride. Seeing it clearly is where healing begins.
But naming it is not the end of the road. Once you see the pattern, a harder question follows: what do I do now? For most people living close to a narcissist, part of the answer is boundaries. These are clear, honest limits on what you will accept and where you will stand.
This is where many Christians get stuck. We have been taught that love always says yes. So every refusal feels like failure, and the narcissist is quick to agree.
When Love Says No: A 30-Day Devotional Journey Through Biblical Boundaries was written for that place. It is one companion to The First Will Be Last, and it offers one biblical perspective on boundaries, drawn from the stories of Scripture:
Nehemiah, who would not come down from his wall
the Hebrew midwives, who told Pharaoh no
David, who left the room when the spear hit the wall
Jesus, who refused false claims and gave Himself fully to the true one
Each day takes about five minutes. It includes a passage (NASB 1995), a short reading, cross-references, three questions for reflection, and a prayer prompt.
Boundaries will not change a narcissist, and that is not their purpose. Their purpose is faithfulness: protecting what God has entrusted to you, without guilt and without revenge.
If you haven’t read The First Will Be Last, start there.
If I Say No, Am I Failing to Love?
When Love Says No is a 30-day devotional journey through biblical boundaries, for believers in a hard relationship who want to love well without being controlled.
If you have lived close to narcissism, you have met this question at midnight. A request has been made — again. A pattern has repeated — again. And the moment you consider refusing, the accusation arrives, sometimes from the other person and sometimes from inside your own chest: a truly loving Christian wouldn’t say no.
Narcissistic relationships weaponize that question. Your conscience becomes the enforcement arm of someone else’s demands. And many of us, wanting sincerely to love like Jesus, have concluded that the only safe answer is to keep every door open, forever, at any cost.
But Scripture answers with a God who keeps doors. He set a limit in a perfect garden. He shut the ark behind Noah. He marked the doorposts in Egypt — and in His Son declared, “I am the door.” From beginning to end, the Bible reveals a God who loves boundlessly and draws lines — and who teaches His people to do the same without guilt and without cruelty.
A new 30-day journey: When Love Says No
I’m glad to announce the newest book in the 30-Day Journeys series: When Love Says No: A 30-Day Devotional Journey Through Biblical Boundaries.
Over thirty days, it walks you into the stories of Scripture: a builder who would not come down from his wall, two midwives who told a king no, a father who let the famine finish its work, and a Savior who refused a thousand false claims — then gave everything to the true one. Each day takes about five minutes: a Scripture passage (NASB 1995), a short reading, cross-references, three questions for reflection, and a prayer prompt.
Rather than tell you about it, let me give you a full day from the book — the one many readers of this site may need most.
Day 26 – The Spear in the Wall
“Now there was an evil spirit from the LORD on Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand, and David was playing the harp with his hand. Saul tried to pin David to the wall with the spear, but he slipped away out of Saul’s presence, so that he stuck the spear into the wall. And David fled and escaped that night.” — 1 Samuel 19:9–10
The spear was still quivering in the wall when David went out the door. He did not go back in to prove his loyalty.
He had done everything right—served in Saul’s house, soothed him with music, fought his wars, kept his oaths. And the spear came anyway. Not a hard conversation, not an unfair criticism: a weapon, thrown to kill, by the man he was serving. David slipped away, and fled, and did not return to his seat by the wall.
Scripture never scolds him for leaving. Heaven had no interest in David proving his devotion by remaining in range.
This is the day for naming a distinction that confusion makes deadly: ordinary relational conflict and credible danger are different categories, and they require different responses. Violence, threats, stalking, coercion, sexual force, weapons, patterns that put children at risk—these are not communication problems to be solved with one more vulnerable conversation. When the spear is in the wall, distance is not a failure of love. It is stewardship of a life God entrusted to you.
Watch how David carried it, because he carried it with both hands. With one hand, distance: he never again sat within spear-range of Saul, never returned to the household on the strength of Saul’s tearful better moments—and Saul had tearful better moments, twice weeping and blessing David after his life was spared (1 Samuel 24, 26). David heard the weeping. He kept the distance. With the other hand, restraint: twice holding Saul’s life in his grip and refusing to take it, honoring the office while staying out of reach of the man.
Distance without vengeance. Honor without access. Both hands, all the way to the end.
Two cautions keep the day honest. Danger can be exaggerated—disagreement, criticism, and refusal to give us what we want are not abuse, and inflated language destroys both reputations and the word’s meaning for those who need it. But uncertainty must not keep anyone in range of a spear: God does not require perfect proof before you step away from an arm already in motion. Reach safety first. Sort out the long questions from there, with counsel, facts, and rightful authority.
If the spear is in the wall where you sit—go. Tonight if need be, as David went.
The God who anointed him did not walk him back into the room. He walked with him out of it.
Cross-References
Proverbs 27:12 – “A prudent man sees evil and hides himself; the naive proceed and pay the penalty.”
Acts 9:23–25 – When a plot arose to kill Saul of Tarsus, “his disciples took him by night and let him down through an opening in the wall, lowering him in a large basket.”
Psalm 18:2 – “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer… my stronghold.”
Questions for Reflection
Is what you are facing ordinary relational pain—or is there a spear in the wall? What evidence answers that honestly?
Where have you been tempted to prove love or faith by remaining in range?
If danger is credible, what is the immediate step toward safety—and who are the counselors and rightful authorities for the longer questions?
Prayer Prompt
Lord, You never asked David to stay in the room, and You never asked me to prove faith by remaining in reach of harm. Give me clear eyes about danger, courage to go, restraint from vengeance, and refuge in You.
Where to find the book
When Love Says No is available now on Amazon in Kindle and paperback:
If The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism helped you name what you were facing, When Love Says No is the companion for what comes next: what to actually do at the door — how to love someone and still say no, without guilt and without revenge.
Love does not hold every door open. It keeps every door for God.
Your responsibility is faithfulness. The outcome belongs to God.
If I Say No, Am I Failing to Love?
When Love Says No is a 30-day devotional journey through biblical boundaries, for believers in a hard relationship who want to love well without being controlled.
Jesus dealt with narcissists often. He didn’t use the word “narcissist,” of course. He used clearer ones—hypocrite, blind guide, whitewashed tomb, fool. But He knew what kind of people He was dealing with.
He didn’t try to counsel them into humility. He didn’t enter long, therapeutic conversations. He didn’t chase after them to win them back. He exposed them. He rebuked them. And then He walked away.
If you’re dealing with narcissists in your own life, Jesus gives you a model.
1. He Recognized Their Pride and Called It What It Was
Jesus didn’t flinch from naming what He saw. He told the Pharisees:
“You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.” — Luke 16:15
They looked spiritual, but they were driven by image. They sat in the best seats and prayed long prayers—not because they loved God, but because they loved how they looked.
Jesus saw through it. And He called it detestable.
2. He Confronted Them Directly—Not Indefinitely
Jesus didn’t stay quiet. He confronted the narcissistic leaders of His day again and again—with precision and clarity.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence.” — Matthew 23:25
But He didn’t spend His whole ministry on them. He confronted them. Then He turned back to those who would listen.
He didn’t cast pearls before swine (Matthew 7:6). He exposed the proud—but He didn’t entrust Himself to them.
3. He Walked Away from the Unrepentant
In John 8, after confronting the Pharisees with truth, He eventually left the temple. In Luke 23, when Herod tried to bait Him, Jesus answered him nothing.
There comes a time to stop talking.
Jesus modeled a boundary not rooted in bitterness, but in discernment. He wasn’t afraid of conflict—but He never let narcissists dictate the terms.
4. He Focused on the Willing, Not the Proud
Jesus didn’t waste His ministry trying to change hardened hearts. He said:
“It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” — Mark 2:17
Narcissists don’t believe they’re sick. So Jesus spent His time with the broken, the humble, the receptive.
He still does.
Takeaway: You Don’t Have to Fix the Narcissist
If you’re exhausted from trying to win over the narcissist in your life—stop. Follow Jesus’ example.
See them for who they are
Speak truth when needed
Don’t get caught in endless arguments
Let go and walk away when the Spirit leads
Focus on the ones God has actually called you to love and serve
Jesus never begged narcissists to understand Him. And you don’t need to either.
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Psalm 34 was written (around 1021 BC) after David’s dramatic escape from the Philistine King Abimelech, also known as Achish, in Gath. David had fled to Gath to escape King Saul, who was pursuing him with the intent to kill him. Even though he had successfully fled Saul, David realized he was in danger in Gath as well, since the Philistines recognized him as the famed Israelite warrior who had defeated Goliath and led successful military campaigns against them. Think about this as you read it – David not only fled from his narcissist (Saul)(1), but then had to deal with the serious and dangerous aftermath of that fleeing. One might become extra bitter in that situation – but not David.
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To save himself, David pretended to be insane, letting saliva run down his beard and scratching at doors, which led Abimelech to dismiss him as harmless and release him (1 Samuel 21:10–15).
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Psalm 34 is David’s response of gratitude to God for delivering him from this perilous situation. It serves as both a personal thanksgiving and an instructional piece, urging others to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (verse 8). David uses his experience to emphasize themes of God’s protection, the value of fearing the Lord, and the assurance that God is near to the brokenhearted and those crushed in spirit.
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Throughout the psalm, David also calls others to praise and seek refuge in God, highlighting that God hears the prayers of the righteous and saves them from their troubles. The psalm encourages readers to place their trust in God, who redeems and protects His people even in seemingly hopeless circumstances.
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Psalm 34 – A Psalm of David when he feigned madness before Abimelech, who drove him away and he departed.
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I will bless the Lord at all times;His praise shall continually be in my mouth.2 My soul will make its boast in the Lord;The humble will hear it and rejoice.3 O magnify the Lord with me,And let us exalt His name together.
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What did David do in his situation? He sought the Lord and cried out to Him to save him.
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4 I sought the Lord, and He answered me,And delivered me from all my fears.5 They looked to Him and were radiant,And their faces will never be ashamed.6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard himAnd saved him out of all his troubles.7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him,And rescues them.
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As a result David, saw for himself once again that God is good – and that He showers that goodness especially on those who fear Him and take refuge in Him.
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8 O taste and see that the Lord is good;How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!9 O fear the Lord, you His saints;For to those who fear Him there is no want.10 The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.
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David then gives a little thumbnail sketch on how to fear the Lord. First, keep your tongue from evil and deceit. Second, stop doing evil things. Third, start doing good things. Fourth, seek and pursue peace – with yourself, with GOD, and with others.
11 Come, you children, listen to me;I will teach you the fear of the Lord.12 Who is the man who desires lifeAnd loves length of days that he may see good?13 Keep your tongue from evilAnd your lips from speaking deceit.14 Depart from evil and do good;Seek peace and pursue it.
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David then once again encourages the righteous to cry out to Him for HELP! Even though He is against evildoers He very much hears and will listen to the the righteous and those who are brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. The first step in dealing with an N is to cry out to GOD for help. You may not see the answer in the next 10 minutes, but it can be the start of GOD leading you through your situation.
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15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteousAnd His ears are open to their cry.16 The face of the Lord is against evildoers,To cut off the memory of them from the earth.17 The righteous cry, and the Lord hearsAnd delivers them out of all their troubles.18 The Lord is near to the brokenheartedAnd saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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David ends by reminding himself and others – as proven by his rescue from Abimelech – that GOD will ultimately deliver the soul of the righteous and deal retribution to the evil.
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19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,But the Lord delivers him out of them all.20 He keeps all his bones,Not one of them is broken.21 Evil shall slay the wicked,And those who hate the righteous will be condemned.22 The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.
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Yes, your situation with your narcissist is very different that David having to flee from Saul and then escape from Abimelech. But the basic principles which David applied can be revelant to you. Give it some thought.
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Note 1: I want to emphasize that David’s solution with Saul was to flee for his life. That does not mean that David’s solution is our solution. This website has various blog posts discussing this.
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Note 2: In spite my good intentions I have not been blogging much due to the ongoing press of everyday life. I’m also working hard on a book with a title along the lines of “Do Not Become Slaves of Men: A Biblical Perspective On Codependency” (or something like that). I’m peddling as fast as I can :).
Keep Praying: Praying Powerful Prayers
A 30-day devotional from the 30-Day Journeys series on praying the way Scripture teaches. One short reading a day for those who need to bring a hard situation before God.
The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.
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Many of you reading this blog found it through a search for answers in dealing with a narcissist in your life. You may be in your situation through no fault of your own (you were born to narcissistic parents), through poor relationship choices, or through being duped (deceived) by someone pretending to be something they were not. Even while struggling in an existing situation, we should know that this will not be the only narcissist (one with insolent pride) you encounter. More will come your way.
As we discussed here, one way to deal with Narcissists (= “proud, haughty, scoffer”, see here) is to avoid them altogether. The N’s goal is to conceal themselves until they have wormed their way into your life. But, as in one application of the principle in Proverbs 22:3, if you are prudent you will learn to recognize them, see the clues, and avoid them.
One area in which this is useful is hiring decisions. The best way to deal with a narcissist in the workplace is to keep them from getting into your company or onto your team in the first place.
The problem with avoiding the hiring of a narcissist is that they are especially good at presenting themselves in the best light in an interviewing process. And the interviewing process is typically brief enough that it is hard to sort out fact from fiction in such a short period of time.
I found a simple 10 question test to administer in order to quickly find out how “narcissistic” a prospective employee or team member may be. You can find it here. The test is not exhaustive or definitive, but it may give you some indication as to whether you have a potential narcissist on your hands.
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You need to score the test yourself
Put the number in each box
Add up the total
The “narcissism scale” runs from 10 to 50. The closer to 50, the more narcissistic the candidate, the closer to 10, the less narcissistic the candidate.
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I learned this lesson very painfully a few years back. It was in an international setting, there was a major language barrier, and I was on my own for a couple months while other staff were out of the country doing other things. I gave this test to a prospective hire, who scored very close to 50. I should have heeded the warning and backed out of the business relationship, but felt that I was in too deep to do so. I was wrong, and should have found a way to exit anyway. The end result was major difficulty for him and for me. For security reasons I really can’t share it, but it was bad.
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I urge you, and urge myself, to continue to learn prudence in recognizing N’s and avoiding entanglement, when it is possible.
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Click here for an introduction to what this blog is aboutSee here for an introduction on how to know God personally
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
There are some Psalms that I “own”. What I mean by that is that I have lived and felt a few Psalms to a depth far beyond reading and even memorizing, to a point where they truly became an expression of my crying out to God. One of those is Psalm 42, coming to the forefront maybe four or five times throughout my life. I memorized it over time, and have used it as a direct expression to God.
Psalms do not always give us “answers”, but almost always point us to the One with the answers. While the Bible provides us with much wisdom for living successfully, life is ultimately about our drawing near to and personally knowing the God of the universe. Crying out to Him is the often the first step in His process of working through a very difficult time – first emphasizing a relationship with our Heavenly Father, with answers to follow. Here’s Psalm 42:
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As the deer pants for the water brooks,So my soul pants for You, O God.2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;When shall I come and appear before God?My tears have been my food day and night,While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
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5 Why are you in despair, O my soul?And why have you become disturbed within me?Hope in God, for I shall again praise HimFor the help of His presence.O my God, my soul is in despair within me;Therefore I remember You from the land of the JordanAnd the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;And His song will be with me in the night,A prayer to the God of my life.
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9 I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
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Why are you in despair, O my soul?And why have you become disturbed within me?Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,The help of my countenance and my God.
A 30-day devotional from the 30-Day Journeys series on praying the way Scripture teaches. One short reading a day for those who need to bring a hard situation before God.
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Based on recent responses to the book – The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism – there seems to be confusion by some regarding the proper response to a narcissist. Some believe that the book simply advocates “being a dormat and pray”, while others are disappointed that the book does not take a hard-line position of “no contact”. Yet others believe that the book advocates for adult children of narcissistic parents to remain obedient. None of these are a correct reading of the what the book says. The proper response to narcissists is far more nuanced – depending on the relationship and bringing the all-knowing, all-powerful God of the universe into the middle of the equation.
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The general Biblical principle is to “avoid them”.
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3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
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Jesus said “leave them alone” (Matthew 15), and Paul said “do not become slaves of men” (I Corinthians 7:23).
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That is the general principle, but how you apply it depends on the relationship and circumstances. David fled from King Saul, while Jesus engaged the Pharisees from time to time even while maintaining His own mission undeterred by their attempts to derail Him. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego left it to God to rescue them from the hands of King Nebuchadnezzar.
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For a current example, my youngest son currently works in a crew of only 2 people – with the other crewmate being a highly narcissistic co-worker who seeks to lord it over him and throw him under the bus whenever something goes wrong. He could immediately quit, but he needs the job. Yes, ultimately he needs to get away from that guy, but also needs God’s wisdom, guidance and help on how to wisely navigate the change. In the meantime, son #3 needs to put on the “full armor of God” in dealing with his co-worker (Ephesians 6).
Another example would be if you recognize you have a narcissistic teenage son. You would not immediately kick him out the house, right? But you would need great wisdom in how to pray and manage the relationship.
In a clear case, if you have a highly toxic narcissistic best friend, it would be wise to avoid them. In another example, if you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent you can “create space” (i.e. – avoid) as part of managing the relationship. You have no obligation to obey them and “make them happy”, but you do need to show proper honor even while you live your own life. In my own case, when I realized in my 20’s that I could not please my mom no matter what I did, I gave up bothering with it. I still was kind and helpful as appropriate, but I stopped letting her expectations drive what I did – while managing my interface with her.
Each circumstance is different, but you can find ways to “create space” – sometimes permanently, but often using case-by-case wisdom as the circumstances require. It is always appropriate to ask and trust God to help you create that space, whether small or large, frequently or infrequently. The son of a family friend is married to the most toxic person I’ve ever become aware of. She is absolutely destroying his self-worth, and controlling every communication he has with the outside world. There is a lot to discuss about what needs to happen, but God gave him a break when she decided to go the UK with her mom on a trip.
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Each relationship in our lives comes with some level of responsibility. From “little to no” responsibility in the case of a first time acquaintance or random passerby, to “total” responsibility in the case of a newborn child born to us. Narcissists will try to make us feel more responsible than we should for their “happiness/success/well-being”. In each case we need to wisely understand what our actual responsibility is in the relationship (not just what the N says it is), and “create space” (avoid) in ways consistent with our actual responsibilities.
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Most of us simply want relief, but God has a bigger picture in mind Relief will ultimately come, and God will judge the narcissist – but He also wants us to grow into better people in and through the process.
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*narcissist is the current secular term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”. See here for more.
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself.Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you.
Proverbs 9:7-8
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Judgments are prepared for scoffers, And blows for the back of fools.
Proverbs 19:29
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As we saw in a previous blog, if you rebuke a scoffer (aka narcissist) he will simply try to “trash” you in order to totally discount your validity and therefore the validity of what you’re saying. They do this to make sure that they can stay on the pedestal which they have created for themselves.
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So what can you do? Even though they may not respect you, they may respect (or alternatively, try to avoid) enforceable boundaries. “Preparing Judgments” implies setting up consequences for violations of some clear standard. So, rather than reproving a narcissist / scoffer, try the following:
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Define a clear standard or boundary for the narcissist
Explain to the narcissist a clear consequence (“judgment”) if the standard or boundary is violated
Clearly and consistently execute the consequence if or when the standard is violated
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The narcissist will likely test this a few times to see if you’re serious. But if you consistently apply it, and if the consequence or “judgment” is painful enough, the narcissist will learn over time to avoid triggering the consequence.
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It is important to understand this is one possible tool to use in dealing with narcissists, and how you apply it will depend on the situation and the relationship.
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Please see Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective for an overview of what this blog is all about
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See here for initial steps on how to know God personally
If I Say No, Am I Failing to Love?
When Love Says No is a 30-day devotional journey through biblical boundaries, for believers in a hard relationship who want to love well without being controlled.
Needless to say, that sounds more like a narcissist vs. narcissist underhanded power play – and not a pursuit of the kind of love to which God calls His people. “Winning” against a narcissist who is torturing you might seem right, but Proverbs warns:
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There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.
Proverbs 14:12
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God emphasizes this by repeating it
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There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.
Proverbs 16:25
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Things which may seem like the right course to take – in the absence of Biblical wisdom – can lead to our own demise.
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Dealing with narcissists is not about doing what seems right, but about actually being right – having true (Biblical) wisdom and understanding about the narcissist, the situation, and how to respond in the right way. Toward this end, Jesus gave a particular instruction very appropriate for dealing with the world around us, particularly narcissists:
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“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. 17 But beware of men…… “
Matthew 10:16
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Jesus had earlier used the term “wolves”, specifically referring to narcissists.
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“Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”
Matthew 7:15
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It might “seem right” to treat a narcissist the same way that they treat us. But if we act like them, we are no longer “innocent as doves”. It is important that we maintain our integrity in order to honor God in the process of dealing with our narcissist. In this context “innocence” means “pure” (maintaining integrity). It does not mean “naive”. On the contrary, we are to be the opposite of naive in our dealings with the narcissist – extra wise, extra alert, and extra shrewd. But we are to do it with a pure heart and with integrity.
* Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”. See here.
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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Many years ago I hosted a business colleague from another country. While driving to visit a company facility he told me a little story that illustrated a way to deal with narcissists. The colleague was from a little country next to a big country that spoke the same language. The larger mother country was known for being very prideful and while in decline still envisioned themselves as great. Other countries around this big country used to describe them as having a “prestige imperative”. In other words decisions the big country made were based on whether it made them appear to be a great country or not.
The colleague from the little country told me that the way the little country – who was looked down on by the big country – used to treat people from the big country was to “tell them they’re the king and then take their money”. The people from the big country would be so wrapped up in the exaltation that they would be blind to everything else.
The point of this story is that many times a narcissist will put so much emphasis on their self-exaltation that they are oblivious to the prudent steps in their lives which actually make for successful living.
This is one application of the Proverb
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Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, But humility goes before honor.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Narcissists (the secular term for scoffers or those with insolent pride) act to achieve their self-exalting, self-centered goals, but then aggressively avoid blame when called to account for their actions. The Pharisees provide a prominent case study. They stirred up the crowds against Jesus…..
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20 But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowds to ask for Barabbas and to put Jesus to death.But the governor said to them, “Which of the two do you want me to release for you?” And they said, “Barabbas.” Pilate *said to them, “Then what shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?” They all *said, “Crucify Him!”And he said, “Why, what evil has He done?” But they kept shouting all the more, saying, “Crucify Him!”
When Pilate saw that he was accomplishing nothing, but rather that a riot was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd, saying, “I am innocent of this Man’s blood; see to that yourselves.”And all the people said, “His blood shall be on us and on our children!”
Matthew 27:20-25
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But when Peter and other apostles publicly shared the gospel, the religious leaders objected greatly to being accused of their complicity in the death of Jesus.
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27 When they had brought them [Peter and others], they stood them before the Council. The high priest questioned them,saying, “We gave you strict orders not to continue teaching in this name, and yet, you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and intend to bring this man’s blood upon us.”
Acts 5:27-28
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We know from here that Pharisees were examples of narcissists / those with insolent pride. The very people who stirred up the crowds to ask Pilate to release Barabbas and crucify Jesus were the same ones who later tried to avoid being pegged with responsibility for Jesus’ death. This is a classic narcissist move – seeking to be above accountability for their actions. Even when there is clear evidence to the contrary.
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While our encounter with the narcissist in our life is far less prominent and far less dramatic, his drive to never be wrong is the same – even in the smallest of things. He (or she) will blame, deflect, defend, and accuse you of meanness in attacking him – but he will not acknowledge what he’s done or admit to being wrong.
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Note: The point of this entry is not to say “the Jews killed Jesus”, but to illustrate the narcissistic tendency to avoid accountability for the very actions for which the narcissist is responsible. The Pharisees were not all narcissists, and the actions of Matthew 27 and Acts 5 were ultimately done by individuals. See here for an additional discussion on calling the Pharisees “narcissists”.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
In the midst of our pain in dealing with the narcissist in our life, relevant Psalms are not only a source of insight and comfort into God’s ultimate dealing with them, but can at the same time be a great way to express what is in our heart. Just expressing what we are feeling in a way that is in sync with God’s perspective can itself be a source of comfort. Psalm 10 is one of those Psalms.
Why do You stand afar off, O Lord? Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?
. 2 In pride the wicked hotly pursue the afflicted; Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised.
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3 For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire, And the greedy man curses and spurns the Lord. 4 The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him. All his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
O Lord, God of vengeance, God of vengeance, shine forth! 2 Rise up, O Judge of the earth, Render recompense to the proud. 3 How long shall the wicked, O Lord, How long shall the wicked exult? 4 They pour forth words, they speak arrogantly; All who do wickedness vaunt themselves. 5 They crush Your people, O Lord, And afflict Your heritage. 6 They slay the widow and the [d]stranger And murder the orphans. 7 They have said, “The Lord does not see, Nor does the God of Jacob pay heed.”
8 Pay heed, you senseless among the people; And when will you understand, stupid ones? 9 He who planted the ear, does He not hear? He who formed the eye, does He not see?
23 Thus says the Lord, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches;24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 9:23-24
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9 For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His……..”
2 Chronicles 16:9
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Narcissists* are driven to set themselves up in a position of power over us in some form. By extension, they seek to put us in a position of weakness versus them. Our natural response is to resist, and to somehow defend ourselves against them. This ultimately makes it a power play between us and the narcissist, even if it is of the passive-aggressive variety. The unappealing alternative to resisting is to become a doormat of the narcissist, and allow them to damage us as they run roughshod over us.
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God’s way is for us to be powerless in our own strength, but to then let Him take on the narcissist with His power. This allows us to be humble and learn trust, while He more fully shows His power, love, and goodness through protecting us. In this way, “He gets the glory, and we get the help”. Continue reading →
.All of us come across others’ who say things so well that there is simply nothing left to add. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth created just such a piece in the form of a bookmark which you can download here, From her series Brokenness: The Heart God Revives..
Proud people focus on the failures of others. Broken people are overwhelmed with a sense of their own spiritual need.
Proud people have a critical, fault-finding spirit; they look at everyone else’s faults with a microscope but their own with a telescope. Broken people are compassionate; they can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.
Proud people are self-righteous; they look down on others. Broken people esteem all others better than themselves.
Proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit. Broken people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for others.
Proud people have to prove that they are right. Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.
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