Many times in our struggle with a narcissist, they find some little thing wrong with what we have done, how we have done it, or in our attitude. They will use that to attack, condemn, or undermine us. They’re focused on our speck, not their log (Matthew 7:3-5).
But other times, we may find ourselves under attack when we have done nothing wrong.
GOD wants to refine us in the process, but He also can be our defender. We should always examine ourselves, but we can also ask GOD to vindicate us. David knew this, and prayed prayers such as:
The Lord judges the peoples; Vindicate me, O Lord, according to my righteousness and my integrity that is in me.
Psalm 7:8
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Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity, And I have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
Psalm 26:1
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When David was fleeing at the hands of one of the narcissists in his life – King Saul – he found himself in the land of the Ziphites. The Ziphites went and told Saul that he was there – putting David at deeper risk. David had done absolutely nothing wrong to land himself in that situation. What could he do?
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He prayed this:
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(“For the choir director; on stringed instruments. A Maskil of David, when the Ziphites came and said to Saul, “Is not David hiding himself among us?”)
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Save me, O God, by Your name, And vindicate me by Your power.
Psalm 54:1
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In the end, GOD is far bigger than the narcissist in our life. HE is the one that can rescue us and save us – He can do far more than we ever could.
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In the end, GOD did save David out of Saul’s hands. Saul died, and David became king – but GOD did it, not David.
A 30-day devotional from the 30-Day Journeys series on praying the way Scripture teaches. One short reading a day for those who need to bring a hard situation before God.
Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men.If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.2
“But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21
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Avoiding thoughts of “getting back” or “getting even” may be difficult for us when we have been wronged. It is a very natural response. But GOD says to never take our own revenge. Why does He say that? Because He’s “got it” and His solution will be far better than ours. But how can we trust this to be so? Consider this:
GOD is a completely unlimited and perfectly pure (i.e. – “holy”) supreme spiritual being
His limitlessness means that He sees and knows absolutely everything – He is everywhere at once and knows every thought and action. He knows what happened to you, why the perpetrator did it, the consequences to you, how you are feeling – EVERYTHING
His perfect purity / holiness is the foundation of His unlimited goodness AND His justice.
Every violation of His pure nature – His righteousness – will have consequences. He says in Galatians 6:7 – “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”
GOD WILL repay those who have wronged us, but He will do it in His perfect wisdom and timing – and we may not see it. (Of course, for those perpetrators with faith in Christ, their eternal security is secure – but GOD will still deal with them in the context of their redeemed state).
His handling the justice side of the equation frees us to emulate Him on the goodness side of the equation.
Of course, in dealing with those who have wronged us, wisdom is always appropriate. But GOD has given us the framework – leave the justice to Him and focus our attention on the possibility of doing good.
If we take justice into our own hands it sidetracks the entire process.
Find me on X @ https://x.com/DcRobertsson
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Greetings everyone.
I have been absent from writing on this blog for quite awhile. There are lots of reasons:
Family needs (kids and parents)
Working on other writing projects. Which I will discuss soon.
Working on missions projects
Not having a clear view on where to go with this blog.
But in the last couple of months clarity on the right path forward has returned.
So I am going to start blogging here again. My initial focus is on two things:
How Jesus handled the narcissists in His life (the Pharisees)
How David handled and prayed through the situations with the three narcissists in his life – his brother, King Saul, and Absalom his son.
I will then turn those blog posts into corresponding books, as follow up
I also want to write something on a biblical perspective on co-dependency (an issue for me in the past), but don’t have a clear idea yet on how to handle it.
In addition I am working on one or more books how to truly trust GOD’s love, wisdom, power, and faithfulness. This is a subject near and dear which I am diving deeply into.
If you want to follow me on a slightly more personal level, I’ve launched on “X”. You can find me at
https://x.com/DcRobertsson
Sorry for the absence, I hope what is to come will be helpful.
Sincerely,
David
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.
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Proverbs 22:3
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Following are ten questions to ask yourself to help determine if you might be developing a romantic relationship with a narcissist.
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Is my boyfriend a narcissist?
Does your boyfriend often talk about himself and his accomplishments?
Does he have a tendency to belittle or criticize others?
Does he have an inflated sense of self-importance?
Does he expect special treatment or to be put on a pedestal?
Does he have a lack of empathy for others?
Does he have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships?
Does he have a need for constant validation and admiration from others?
Does he have a tendency to manipulate or exploit others for his own gain?
Does he have a tendency to blame others for his own mistakes or shortcomings?
Does he have a history of behaving in a controlling or abusive manner towards others?
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Is my girlfriend a narcissist?
Does she constantly seek attention and validation from others?
Does she have a sense of entitlement and believe that she deserves special treatment?
Does she have difficulty empathizing with others and understanding their perspectives?
Does she often blame others for her problems and take little responsibility for her actions?
Does she have a tendency to manipulate and exploit others for her own gain?
Does she have a grandiose sense of self-importance and overestimate her abilities?
Does she have a strong need to be admired and have a sense of superiority over others?
Does she have a disregard for the feelings of others?
Does she have a tendency to become easily jealous or resentful of others?
Does she have a tendency to make everything about herself and not be interested in the lives of others?
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Something to consider…
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If I Say No, Am I Failing to Love?
When Love Says No is a 30-day devotional journey through biblical boundaries, for believers in a hard relationship who want to love well without being controlled.
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My wife and I have a long-standing tradition of giving each other only “non-monetary” Christmas gifts. Occasionally we break the rule but we want to put the focus on giving something that actually “costs us” something of ourselves. I won’t share what we have done, but here is a list of ideas in case you’re looking for inspiration.
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Write a heartfelt letter or poem expressing your love and appreciation for the recipient.
Create a personalized playlist of songs that have special meaning to you and your relationship.
Make a homemade meal or baked goods for the recipient.
Create a custom piece of art or craft for the recipient.
Plan a fun outing or activity to do together, such as a hike or a trip to a local attraction.
Offer to do a chore or task for the recipient, such as cleaning their house or running errands for them.
Give the gift of your time and attention by setting aside an entire day to spend together.
Give the gift of relaxation by offering a massage or creating a DIY spa day.
Create a memory jar filled with special trinkets and mementos that represent your relationship.
Write and perform a song or skit for the recipient.
Offer to help the recipient achieve a goal or learn a new skill, such as taking a dance lesson or starting a garden.
Give the gift of relaxation by offering a home-cooked meal or a gift certificate to a restaurant.
Plan a game night with a selection of the recipient’s favorite games.
Offer to do a fun activity together, such as painting, cooking, or going to the movies.
Give the gift of self-care by creating a basket with items like scented candles, bubble bath, and face masks.
Plan a movie marathon with the recipient’s favorite films.
Give the gift of organization by helping the recipient declutter and reorganize a space in their home.
Offer to take the recipient on a scenic drive or to a nearby town for a day trip.
Create a personalized photo album or frame featuring special memories and moments from your relationship.
Offer to teach the recipient a new hobby or skill that you enjoy.
Give the gift of relaxation by offering a yoga or meditation class.
Plan a date night and make all the arrangements, such as reservations and transportation.
Write a list of reasons why you appreciate and value the recipient.
Give the gift of a handwritten recipe book filled with your favorite dishes.
Plan a fun outdoor activity, such as a picnic or a walk in a local park.
Give the gift of a home-cooked meal and offer to do the grocery shopping and cooking.
Offer to take the recipient on a shopping spree and provide style advice.
Give the gift of a personalized workout routine or training plan.
Plan a weekend getaway to a nearby destination.
Create a custom playlist of your favorite workout songs to help the recipient stay motivated.
Give the gift of a personalized nutrition plan or recipe ideas.
Offer to do the recipient’s laundry and fold it for them.
Plan a fun adventure, such as a hot air balloon ride or skydiving.
Give the gift of a customized playlist of your favorite relaxing music or guided meditations.
Offer to do a home improvement project for the recipient.
Plan a day of pampering, including a manicure, pedicure, and massage.
Give the gift of a customized playlist of your favorite tunes for a specific activity, such as working or studying.
Offer to do the recipient’s grocery shopping and meal prep for a week.
Plan a movie night in with homemade popcorn and the recipient’s favorite films.
Give the gift of a personalized sleep routine or bedtime ritual.
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Please pardon my lack of blogging. I had some heavy preparation work for a seminar on “parenting adult children” and another on “suffering” recently, as well as working on several writing projects. I am hoping to get back into a better routine in the near future.
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In the meantime, rather than wishing a trite “Merry Christmas” I simply want to say that I hope that we all deeply remember and savor the clear demonstration of God’s deep love for us through sending Jesus’ into this wicked world in order to rescue us.
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But also, enjoy the lights and merriment.
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Satan is the original and most clear example of a Narcissist / One with insolent pride. (See here for an explanation on why Satan was the original narcissist). By understanding Satan’s insolent pride and his narcissistic traits, we can get another glimpse into the characteristics of narcissists. Here is a partial list of Satan’s narcissistic traits:
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The challenge for those dealing with a narcissist who is “close” is to deal with the situation in a practical way while also walking in faith. How do we allow God right into the middle of the situation? On top of this, we are frequently told some form of “God can’t or won’t help you” – urging us to take things into our hands to solve it on our own apart from God.
David was in the same situation. His son Absalom was a narcissist whom God raised up to chastise David for his sin with Bathsheba.
David was forced to flee for his life. In the process, many said that God would not deliver him from the adversaries that were coming at him. But David had a different view, which he declared in Psalm 3.
A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his son.
3 O Lord, how my adversaries have increased!Many are rising up against me.2 Many are saying of my soul,“There is no deliverance for him in God.” Selah.
3 But You, O Lord, are a shield about me,My glory, and the One who lifts my head.4 I was crying to the Lord with my voice,And He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah.I lay down and slept;I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.6 I will not be afraid of ten thousands of peopleWho have set themselves against me round about.
7 Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God!For You have smitten all my enemies on the cheek;You have shattered the teeth of the wicked.8 Salvation belongs to the Lord;Your blessing be upon Your people! Selah.
Psalm 3
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David cried out to the Lord and then trusted God for help, allowing him to sleep peacefully even before the deliverance came. David did not succumb to other’s lack of faith, and in the end God executed judgment on Absalom and rescued David.
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See here for initial steps on how to know God personally
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Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
“How you have fallen from heaven, O star of the morning, son of the dawn! You have been cut down to the earth, You who have weakened the nations! “But you said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God, And I will sit on the mount of assembly In the recesses of the north. ‘I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’
Isaiah 14:12-14
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The above passage is well-known as referring to satan, the devil, lucifer, beelzebub, or one of the other names used for one of God’s top angels who out of pride thought he could be be like God. To be in such close proximity to God, to see His power and glory, and to think that you could be like God — and then attempt to do it – was the height of arrogance. (See here for how according to the Bible, narcissism = insolent pride.)
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And the devil said to Him [Jesus], “I will give You all this domain and its glory; for it has been handed over to me, and I give it to whomever I wish.Therefore if You worship before me, it shall all be Yours.”Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.’”
Luke 4:6-8
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Satan also showed his true nature when one of the 3 temptations he presented to Jesus was designed to force Jesus to worship him. Satan could have offered any other temptation, but was was so proud, arrogant, and haughty that he took the moment of Jesus’ physical weakness from fasting to take a shot at getting what he really wanted – to be the #1 being. He wanted somehow to be above God. Narcissists will NEVER stop trying to exalt themselves until they are #1 in “their world”, with some even attempting to be “king of the world”. They will use whatever opportunities they are presented with to continue working toward that goal.
Notice in the above passage that Satan claimed the earth was his to give. This was a deluded and arrogant lie, as the earth was definitely not his to give. Satan knew Psalm 24:1 – that the earth and world belonged to God, not him.
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The earth is the Lord’s, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it.
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Psalm 24:1
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This is a classic Narcissist trait – to co-opt other’s work, authority, rights as their own – as part of their self-aggrandizement and self-exaltation.
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Further confirming that satan was the original narcissist – one with insolent pride – was the direct link Jesus made between the Big narcissist (Satan) and the earthly examples of narcissists in His time – the Pharisees. (See here and here how we know that the Pharisees were narcissists / filled with insolent pride).
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You (Pharisees) are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He (satan, the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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We all come across LOTS of things in today’s media environment. I was just reading about a very public fairy-tale courtship, romance, and wedding – with people glowing about all the positives. But a few people who knew the bride well said very early on that “she is not what she seems”. And guess what, over time she revealed herself to be a big-time classic narcissist – everything is all about her, she’s always the victim, etc. etc. She also undermined existing relationships the husband had with his family, and trashed his family in public. The secular literature says that you cannot “diagnose” a narcissist from a distance, and there is probably some truth to that, but sometimes these public celebrities are so obvious you can’t help it.
Even though she hid her N traits at the beginning while she was trying to “seal the deal”, once married she began to reveal her true nature. This reminded me of the following in Proverbs,
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He who hates disguises it with his lips,But he lays up deceit in his heart.When he speaks graciously, do not believe him,For there are seven abominations in his heart.Though his hatred covers itself with guile,His wickedness will be revealed before the assembly.
Proverbs 26:24-26
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What’s in people’s hearts ALWAYS reveals itself eventually. One with insolent pride – a narcissist – will always ultimately reveal their true hearts. Jesus said the same thing when he said,
the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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Jesus said that establishing our lives on the solid rock of hearing … and doing.. His word is the difference between being able to weather the storms of life or crumbling in the face of them
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“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.And the rain fell, and the came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”
Matthew 7:24-27
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The big question that everyone must face is “how do we know that God’s Word is true”?
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One way is through the internal consistency of the Bible. While we may get hung up on the interpretation of an individual verse or passage, the Book as a whole is amazingly consistent. The inspired harmony of the Bible is displayed in the consistency of its messages across time, writers, and words. The interwoven nature and consistent message of the Bible – a book penned by 40 authors over a span of 1500 years – is one demonstration that this amazing book and its message of God’s plan and provision for mankind truly comes from one Divine mind.
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This can be illustrated through a computer visualization of how the Bible ties together among the many passages.
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Another way is through the historical tracking of the Bible as far back as possible to the original writings (manuscripts) and the archaelogical work tying real events to real documents.
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Yet another is through the testimony of God’s creation. Romans 1 says,
For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.
Romans 1:20
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However, I believe that the most solid foundation for confidence that God, the Bible, and it’s message are real is the documented historical fact of the birth, life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Look around you. NO ONE comes back to life after they have been dead for three days. The historically documented fact of Jesus’ resurrection is solid proof that it is all real.
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Consider the above as simply a starting point for your own exploration. However, if Jesus and His Word are real and true, then it bodes us well to heed His message to build our lives on listening to His words, and following them.
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Click here for initial steps on how to know God personally
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
Psalm 16:11
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In the blog post Crying Out, Seeking God we discussed that sometimes the very first step on a road to healing is simply to cry out to God for help. While you may not see an instant, dramatic change in your situation, you will often look back and see that time of crying out as the moment God put you on the path to His solution.
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I came across a blog entry by Dr. Linda Karges-Bone. It is a broader discussion of her take on the “contentious woman”, but includes her testimony of asking God for help, which began a road of healing. The entire blog entry is worth reading, but here is a key excerpt:
Now for the second round of reactions. It is quite possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I doubt it. Here’s why. I have done what researchers call a “double blind” test. I have tried it both ways. I lived the first decade of my marriage as a contentious woman. I pouted. I nagged. I saw myself as the unappreciated, overburdened, wife of a grumpy, difficult, selfish beast of a man. I have, at one point, been on the brink of losing my marriage. But two things saved me: God’s mercy and grace and my own decision to look for the good in my marriage instead of the bad.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16
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I stumbled across this recently on Instagram. Yes, God wants to do good for us and meet our genuine needs through answered prayer, but we should not forget that His kindness in hearing our requests – without rebuke – is also a privilege He extends. Worth a listen…..
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What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
In His teaching He was saying: “Beware of the scribes who like to walk around in long robes, and like respectful greetings in the market places, and chief seats in the synagogues and places of honor at banquets, who devour widows’ houses, and for appearance’s sake offer long prayers; these will receive greater condemnation.”
Mark 12:38-44
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“So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites (i.e. the Pharisees) do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.
Matthew 6:2
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[Note: We know Jesus was referring to the scribes and Pharisees when He mentioned “hypocrites” in Matthew 6 because of what it says in Matthew 23 – “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites…… linking the “hypocrite” label to the scribes and Pharisees. The scribes and Pharisees were the narcissists of their day (see here and here and here and here) and are a good case study of narcissistic traits and tactics.]
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Jesus was seeking to protect those who were listening to Him through his cautionary “beware” about the hypocritical scribes (and Pharisees). These narcissists
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Coveted the admiration of men (“they like respectful greetings in the market places, and chief seats in the synagogues and places of honor at banquets”), instead of the humility more appropriate for their position as “men of God”
Acted in disingenous ways to seek the admiration of men (“wore long robes (to imply piety)” and “for appearance’s sake offer long prayers”), while
At the same time – out of greed – were taking advantage of the most vulnerable people (“devour widows houses”) who could not resist the evil being done to them.
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Jesus’ listeners needed to be wary of these narcissists not only because of the potential harm they could do through their greedy actions, but also (and even more importantly) because of the terrible example of “faith” which these narcissists were setting. Instead of humbling themselves before the God of the universe, and praying secretly, they were putting on a show for only the exaltation which they would receive from men. Following this supposed spiritual leadership of the scribes would be the opposite of a genuine life of the kind of faith pleasing to God, and spiritually dangerous to any who would follow. Hence Jesus’ warning to “beware”.
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While Jesus did not call out these scribes by name, He did something even better by providing a guideline by which His listeners could recognize these people and others like them – and to prudently be on guard against them and their destructively prideful and self-seeking ways.
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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Another way is through the historical tracking of the Bible as far back as possible to the original writings (manuscripts) and the archaelogical work tying real events to real documents.
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Yet another is through the testimony of God’s creation. Romans 1 says,
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