Dealing With N’s – Abandon A Quarrel

August 14, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Proverbs 17:14

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Proverbs 17:14

¹⁴The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.

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This verse brings to mind pin-pricking a balloon filled with water. It does not just spring a little leak when pricked, but immediately gushes out all the water. You cannot hold it back once it starts.

A narcissist is constantly striving to exalt themselves in their hearts – battling anything that gets in the way. Their pride makes them unable to admit that they are wrong. Therefore, whenever a fact is in dispute (i.e. – who said what, who did what, etc.) it is impossible for them to concede that you were right and they were wrong. This is true even if they made up the “fact” in question out of thin air.

If you directly engage the N in trying to get the record straight, you are walking straight into a conflict. If you do succeed in proving your point, the N will be angry that you proved them wrong. They will then attack you on how you approached the issue with statements like: “Why do you always have to pick on me”, “You pick at every little thing I say”, “I try so hard”, “I can’t do anything right in your eyes”, etc. Because there is probably a little grain of truth to what they are saying, it will be impossible to defend yourself without continuing the strife. So they’ve still got you.

In many cases, the issue about which you are trying to correct the record does not really matter, and you are likely arguing the point simply out of your own pride. Maybe make your point once. If the N pushes back out of their own drive to be correct, drop the issue without any final passive-aggressive digs at the N. Then trust the Lord. It may not seem right that you have to “concede”, but God will ultimately have the last say.

This in fact is one application of the general admonition to “avoid them”.

Please see Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective to better understand what this blog is about.

Strengthen Yourself In The Lord

July 24, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: I Samuel 30, Psalm 73:25-28

1 Samuel 30:6

⁶Moreover David was greatly distressed because the people spoke of stoning him, for all the people were embittered, each one because of his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God.

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I received a small bit of news yesterday that was a bit discouraging. It was not a big deal, and it did not affect me directly, but rather someone close to me. The person affected was not bothered much, but I hurt on his behalf.

As I was discouraged this morning, I remembered David’s example in I Samuel 30:6. Things were completely falling apart for David and his crew, and to top it the people loyal to him were distressed to the point of contemplating getting rid of him. Rather than giving up or thrashing around for a human solution, David started by “strengthening himself in the Lord”.

How do we strengthen ourselves in the Lord? First would be to get a little quiet space and begin talking directly with Him. We can complain about how we feel, but need to do it respectfully and in light of His Sovereignty. Second might be to find a Psalm that reflects the state of our heart. And third might be to reflect on God’s unlimited love and goodness, His unlimited power, His unlimited knowledge and wisdom, and His consistent faithfulness to those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Finally, we can cry out to Him for HELP!. There is no magic formula, but you will know when your heart has been strengthened in Him.

After he was strengthened in the Lord, David was able to then see clearly enough to ask God what he was supposed to do about the situation. God gave David the answer, and David charged forward with God providing the practical victory and ultimate solution.

Take a look at all of I Samuel 30 to get the whole story.

Psalm 73:25-28

²⁵Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
²⁶My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

²⁷For, behold, those who are far from You will perish;
You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.

²⁸But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

Narcissistic Traits – They Want To Be The Center of Attention

July 15, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Matthew 23:1-7, 3 John 1:9

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Matthew 23:1-7

23 Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, ²saying: “The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; ³therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them. ⁴They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. ⁵But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments.⁶They love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, ⁷and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men.

3 John 1:9

I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say.

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As mentioned above, Narcissists / those with insolent pride want to be the center of attention. While they would prefer to have it come by being exalted – as with the Pharisees and Diotrophes – sometimes they will “play the victim” in order to be the center of attention. A narcissist’s victim status can take the form of “woe is me”, or “my (usually little) problems are far worse than your (usually much bigger) problems”.

Please see here and here for background on why the Pharisees can be called Narcissists, and here for background on why Diotrophes can be called a Narcissist.

Psalm 17 – David’s Prayer For Protection Against Oppressors

July 11, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Psalm 17

Psalm 17

Prayer for Protection against Oppressors.

A Prayer of David.

17 Hear a just cause, O Lord, give heed to my cry;
Give ear to my prayer, which is not from deceitful lips.
²Let my judgment come forth from Your presence;
Let Your eyes look with equity.

³You have tried my heart;
You have visited me by night;
You have tested me and You find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
⁴As for the deeds of men, by the word of Your lips
I have kept from the paths of the violent.
⁵My steps have held fast to Your paths.
My feet have not slipped.

⁶I have called upon You, for You will answer me, O God;
Incline Your ear to me, hear my speech.
⁷Wondrously show Your lovingkindness,
O Savior of those who take refuge at Your right hand
From those who rise up against them.
⁸Keep me as the apple of the eye;
Hide me in the shadow of Your wings
⁹From the wicked who despoil me,
My deadly enemies who surround me.

¹⁰They have closed their unfeeling heart,
With their mouth they speak proudly.
¹¹They have now surrounded us in our steps;
They set their eyes to cast us down to the ground.
¹²He is like a lion that is eager to tear,
And as a young lion lurking in hiding places.

¹³Arise, O Lord, confront him, bring him low;
Deliver my soul from the wicked with Your sword,
¹⁴From men with Your hand, O Lord,
From men of the world, whose portion is in this life,
And whose belly You fill with Your treasure;
They are satisfied with children,
And leave their abundance to their babes.
¹⁵As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness;
I will be satisfied with Your likeness when I awake.

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Continue reading →

When Narcissists Ruin Our Plans

July 3, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Romans 8:28-39

Narcissists (aka those with insolent pride) in our lives may sometimes interfere with our plans. It can be frustrating and maddening. We must deal with N’s wisely. However, it is also helpful to know that God is sovereign even over mangled plans – even if those plans were mangled to due to things beyond our control. John Piper briefly discusses this in God’s Sovereign Plan Behind Your Most Unproductive Days. It’s worth a quick look.

Romans 8:28-29

²⁸And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ²⁹For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

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A blog update: I am working on an extensive review on how Jesus dealt with the narcissists of His day (the Pharisees). If you would like a sneak peek at my raw incomplete notes you can see them at How Jesus Dealt With The N’s.

For an overview of what this blog is about, please see Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective.

Narcissist* Traits – Big Time Hypocrites

May 31, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Matthew 23, Romans 7:15-18, Matthew 7:16-18

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Matthew 23

vs 13 “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites……..

vs 14 Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites……….

vs 15 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites……..

vs 23 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites……….

vs 25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites………

vs 27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites………

vs 29 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites………

In one sense, we can all be called “hypocrites” because we often do not live according to the values we profess. But for many people, it may not be actual hypocrisy, but rather a moral inconsistency of some sort.

Continue reading →

In Whom Are Hidden All The Treasures of Wisdom and Knowledge

May 24, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Romans 1:20, Judges 6-8, Gideon, Colossians 2:2-3, 2 Corinthians 9:8

Colossians 2:2-3

²that their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself, ³in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

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Continue reading →

Healing From Narcissist Abuse* – Turning Tears Into A Life-giving Spring

May 18, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Psalm 84, Psalm 84:5-7

Psalm 84:5-7

⁵How blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
In whose heart are the highways to Zion!
⁶Passing through the valley of Baca they make it a spring;
The early rain also covers it with blessings.
⁷They go from strength to strength,
Every one of them appears before God in Zion.

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The “valley of Baca” is most often understood to be the “Valley of Weeping”. There are times in our lives when we do go through a period of sorrow and weeping – and suffering at the hands of a narcissist in our life is typically one of those times.

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Psalm 84 says that it is actually possible during those times for us to

“Make it (our weeping) a spring” – to turn our hurt and sorrow into a source of life and vitality for ourselves and those around us
“Go from strength to strength” – to remain strong and even gain additional strength
“Appear before God in Zion” – to not lose our faith in God and in His love and goodness.

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The keys for doing this are found in verse 4 –

“Whose strength is in You (God)” – Rather than primarily relying on other sources – which will most likely fail us at some point – looking to God and relying on His strength to uphold us
“In whose heart are the highways to Zion” – consistently seeking God, His wisdom, His ways

Our natural instinct is to attempt to scratch out small human solutions to our hurts……but God says that the real key to transforming our hurts into something good is to make Him the heart of the solution.

Please see “Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective” for an overview of what this blog is about.
narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here

While I’ve Been Gone

April 29, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Hebrews 11:6, Ephesians 2:4-9

In my “Who Am I” post at the start this journey, I explained that one reason I am doing this blog anonymously is that I have been involved (for more than a decade now) in a missions work in a sensitive part of the world. That “sensitive area” is North Korea. I was recently invited to submit an article on North Korea to a prominent Christian publication, and felt a strong burden to share the conclusion of some key lessons learned along my particular journey. The article is below. If and when it comes out, my actual name will not be attached because doing so would put some other people at risk .

I am sharing it on this blog for two reasons. One is t0 partially make up for my absence while I was pressing to get this article done (writing does not come easy for me). The second is that the North Korean culture has certain narcissistic tendencies, so some of the following lessons provide a bit of broader context in that respect.

Here’s a draft of the article:

A Manifesto For North Korean Missions

A Call to Grace Through Faith

Continue reading →

A Summary On How To Live With A Contentious Woman (And Still Be A Real Man)

March 25, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism Tags: Ephesians 6:13-17, Proverbs 27:15-16, Proverbs 12:18, Proverbs 17:14, Colossians 3:19, Matthew 7:6, Proverbs 26;2, I Corinthians 16:13-14, Psalm 131, Romans 12:18, Luke 6:27-28, Psalm 15:2

[Note: This blog entry is intended for men. It was a difficult blog post to write, and I’m still working through it. But it was far enough along to push the “publish” button and provide you with a launch point for your own search into the subject. It may seem as though I am just focusing on narcissistic women, with men as victims, but I hope to write a similar post on the reverse relationship – a wife living with a narcissistic husband – in the near future.

Underneath this entire blog post is the view that marriage is a human illustration of a divine relationship]

Romans 12:18

¹⁸If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

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1 Corinthians 16:13-14

¹³Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. ¹⁴Let all that you do be done in love.

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How is it possible to be peacefully married to a a contentious woman and still be a real man? A tough question. Her modus operandi is to dominate you, which leaves you the seemingly impossible choices of either fighting back and creating a war at home, or submitting, neither of which is appealing (or correct). This post summarizes a range of things to consider for dealing with the situation. Your contentious woman could range from one who is merely annoying to one who is “impossible to live with”.

Continue reading →

Counseling Seemingly Impossible Situations

February 16, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Matthew 7:24-27, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Luke 11:10

2 Timothy 3:16-17

¹⁶All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; ¹⁷so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

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I am reading an excellent book called “Counseling the Hard Cases: True Stories Illustrating the Sufficiency of God’s Resources in Scripture“. This book provides case studies on how Biblically based counselors successfully counseled seemingly impossible counseling situations – including situations which secular-counselors had previously been unable to resolve.

The book starts with a discussion on whether the Bible is sufficient to help people with their problems….

“Is Scripture sufficient to inform all the possible counseling situations in this fallen world? The implications of such a question are massive. Continue reading →

Narcissist Traits – They Will Trash You If You Reprove Them

February 12, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Proverbs 9:8, Proverbs 26:23-26, Proverbs 9:7, Proverbs 15:2, Proverbs 13:1

As we have discussed previously, “scoffer” is one name to describe those who act with “insolent pride” – the Biblical term for what the secular world calls narcissism. Therefore, we can learn more about the characteristics of narcissists by looking deeper at what the Bible says about scoffers.

The following table focuses on the fact that narcissists absolutely hate to be told that they are wrong.

Level	Scoffer (Insolent Pride) Trait	Narcissism Trait

1	Proverbs 15:2 – A scoffer does not love one who reproves him, he will not go to the wise	A narcissist will first avoid situations where he may be told he is doing something wrong…..no matter how wise the “reprover” might be
2	Proverbs 13:1 – “…A scoffer does not listen to rebuke”	But if a narcissist somehow does find himself in position of being rebuked, he will refuse to listen. Have you ever tried to rebuke a narcissist? He will ignore you, verbally fight you, tell you why you are the one who is wrong – anything to keep from admitting that they may be wrong.
3	Proverbs 9:8 – “Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you..” . . Proverbs 26:24-26 – “He who hates disguise it with his lips, but he lays up deceit in his heart. When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, for there are seven abominations in his heart. Though his hatred covers itself with guile, his wickedness will be revealed before the assembly.”	Not only will a narcissist refuse to listen, but he will also hate you for reproving him. He will disguise his hatred, and even speak graciously to you, but when he has the chance to trash you publicly he will take it.
4	Proverbs 9:7 – “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself…”	This results in a narcissist trashing your reputation. A narcissist will not hesitate to trash the reputation of those who try to correct them – resulting in dishonor to you for daring to correct them.

Please see “Putting Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism Into Perspective” for background on what this blog is about.

Narcissist Traits – They Stumble A Lot

February 10, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: James 4:6, Proverbs 21:24, Romans 12:19, Proverbs 26:27, Proverbs 16:5, I Peter 5:5, Psalm 18:27, Psalm 101:5, Psalm 138:6, Proverbs 18:12, Proverbs 15:25, Proverbs 16:18, Proverbs 11:2, Proverbs 29:23

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Proverbs 16:18

¹⁸Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before stumbling.

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Narcissists seem to frequently step into “holes” and stumble – constantly creating difficulties for themselves which result in their scrambling around in order to extricate themselves. There are several practical reasons for this: Continue reading →

Is Narcissism = Insolent Pride in the Bible?

February 2, 2018 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized

One underlying premise of this blog is that what is defined as “narcissism” in the secular world of psychology is equivalent to what is called “insolent pride” in the Bible. The basis for making this assertion is the substantial, but not necessarily 1:1, overlap of traits.

TheBibleOnNarcissists

As Narcissistic Personality Disorder is still being researched in the formal field of psychology, and is only generally defined in the world of pop psychology, it does not have a clear, official definition (see here). Therefore, it stands to reason that there cannot be a complete 1:1 match between the terms “narcissism” and “insolent pride”, when one of the terms is not precisely defined. But, there is enough overlap of traits that we can use the term “narcissism” as an approximation for “insolent pride”.

The reason we are even using the term “narcissism” is that many people who are searching for answers on how to deal with these troublesome people will likely search using the term “narcissism”, as that is the term with which they are most familiar. But the most precise and real answers will come from the Biblical understanding of “insolent pride”. That is why we are using the terms synonymously, even though there is not a precise match-up between terms.

The Divergence of Secular and Biblical Approaches To Narcissism

Secular Definitions – Narcissism Was Formerly Called Megalomania

Dealing With Narcissists – Fact Check Everything

December 26, 2017 By DCRobertsson in Uncategorized Tags: Matthew 18:16, 2 Corinthians 13:1, I Timothy 5:19, Proverbs 18:17, Proverbs 14:15

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As a narcissist is notoriously unreliable, it is important to fact check (at least to yourself) what comes out of their mouth rather than accept they say at face value.

Proverbs 14.15 – “The naive believes everything, But the sensible man considers his steps.”

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Proverbs 18.17 – “The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.”

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Matthew 18.16 – “so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.”

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2 Corinthians 13.1 – “This is the third time I am coming to you. Every fact is to be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

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1 Timothy 5.19 – “Do not receive an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses.”

Narcissists / those with insolent pride tend to exaggerate their skills, accomplishments, track record, commitment to the cause, etc. They also will stretch the truth or outright lie in order to get what they want. And they do not hesitate to trash the reputation of those who get in their way. So while this basic biblical principle of confirming things instead of believing every thing you are told is always appropriate – it is especially applicable when dealing with narcissists.

Please see Putting “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” Into Perspective for an overview and frame of reference on what this blog is about.