… Based on recent responses to the book – The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism – there seems to be confusion by some regarding the proper response to a narcissist.  Some believe that the book simply advocates “being a dormat and pray”, while others are disappointed that the book does not take a hard-line position of “no contact”.  Yet others believe that the book advocates for adult children of narcissistic parents to remain obedient.  None of these are a correct reading of the what the book says.  The proper response to narcissists is far more nuanced – depending on the relationship and bringing the all-knowing, all-powerful God of the universe into the middle of the equation. . The general Biblical principle is to “avoid them”. .

3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵ holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. 

2 Timothy 3:1-5

. Jesus said “leave them alone” (Matthew 15), and Paul said “do not become slaves of men” (I Corinthians 7:23). . That is the general principle, but how you apply it depends on the relationship and circumstances.   David fled from King Saul, while Jesus engaged the Pharisees from time to time even while maintaining His own mission undeterred by their attempts to derail Him.  Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego left it to God to rescue them from the hands of King Nebuchadnezzar. . For a current example, my youngest son currently works in a crew of only 2 people – with the other crewmate being a highly narcissistic co-worker who seeks to lord it over him and throw him under the bus whenever something goes wrong.  He could immediately quit, but he needs the job.  Yes, ultimately he needs to get away from that guy, but also needs God’s wisdom, guidance and help on how to wisely navigate the change.  In the meantime, son #3 needs to put on the “full armor of God” in dealing with his co-worker (Ephesians 6). Another example would be if you recognize you have a narcissistic teenage son.  You would not immediately kick him out the house, right?  But you would need great wisdom in how to pray and manage the relationship. In a clear case, if you have a highly toxic narcissistic best friend, it would be wise to avoid them.  In another example, if you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent you can “create space” (i.e. – avoid) as part of managing the relationship.  You have no obligation to obey them and “make them happy”, but you do need to show proper honor even while you live your own life.  In my own case, when I realized in my 20’s that I could not please my mom no matter what I did, I gave up bothering with it.  I still was kind and helpful as appropriate, but I stopped letting her expectations drive what I did – while managing my interface with her. Each circumstance is different, but you can find ways to “create space” – sometimes permanently, but often using case-by-case wisdom as the circumstances require.  It is always appropriate to ask and trust God to help you create that space, whether small or large, frequently or infrequently.  The son of a family friend is married to the most toxic person I’ve ever become aware of.  She is absolutely destroying his self-worth, and controlling every communication he has with the outside world.  There is a lot to discuss about what needs to happen, but God gave him a break when she decided to go the UK with her mom on a trip. . Each relationship in our lives comes with some level of responsibility.  From “little to no” responsibility in the case of a first time acquaintance or random passerby, to “total” responsibility in the case of a newborn child born to us.  Narcissists will try to make us feel more responsible than we should for their “happiness/success/well-being”.  In each case we need to wisely understand what our actual responsibility is in the relationship (not just what the N says it is), and “create space” (avoid) in ways consistent with our actual responsibilities. . Most of us simply want relief, but God has a bigger picture in mind  Relief will ultimately come, and God will judge the narcissist – but He also wants us to grow into better people in and through the process. . . *narcissist is the current secular term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here for more.      

---