. For those suffering at the hands of narcissists – scoffers with insolent pride – a common question is “why”?  Why is God allowing this in my life? There are many things to consider, but one answer is that it could be part of His discipline.  Those that are struggling to overcome a view of God as a big “punisher”, or who do not like the idea that God allows any pain into a person’s life, will struggle with this.  To be clear, God is a God of love and acts out of His fundamental goodness.  But sometimes that goodness means discipline (Hebrews 12), and He uses various means as part of the process. The Biblical foundation for this is Hosea 7:5, which says that “….He stretched out his hand with scoffers”.  Just like in everything else, God can use scoffers as tools for His purposes. We saw this in the case of David and Absalom.  When David sinned with Bathsheba, God told David through the prophet Nathan. .

Why have you despised the word of the Lord by doing evil in His sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword, have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the sons of Ammon.   Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.’ 

Thus says the Lord, ‘Behold, I will raise up evil against you from your own household; I will even take your wives before your eyes and give them to your companion, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. Indeed you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and under the sun.’” 

2 Samuel 12:9-12

. This happened.  David’s son Absalom was narcissistic, to the point that he even weighed his cut hair to show how lush it was (2 Samuel 14:26).  2 Samuel describes other examples of Absalom’s narcissistic traits.  Absalom’s narcissism led him to seek to overthrow David to become king, resulting in David fleeing Jerusalem to escape.  God ultimately delivered David out of Absalom’s hand, but not before God had used Absalom – to discipline David for his sin. This was a Biblical case study.  I also know of two cases close to home.  I am by no means saying that every narcissist in our life is God’s punishment for something we’ve done in the past.  Absolutely not.  But it is possible. How do we respond to this?  The normal tools for dealing with narcissists (addressed in this blog and in the book “A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism”) are appropriate.  In addition we should consider the admonition in Hebrews: .

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are punished by Him; For whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He punishes every son whom He accepts.”

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. For the moment, all discipline seems not to be pleasant, but painful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is impaired may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.

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Pay particular attention to the last phrase in Hebrews 12:13.  How do we respond?  “Make straight paths for your feet” – live a life of righteousness – “so that the limb which is impaired (lame) may not be dislocated (permanently injured), but rather be healed.” . . See here for initial steps to peace with God               David and Absalom Reproofs NOT EVERYONE

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. Reviews of the book, “A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism” show up on Amazon, Good Reads, Audible, and Facebook, etc.  They are all interesting and helpful in their own way.  Some people take the book for what it is, while others approach it looking for the answers they want to hear – and express disappointment and even anger when the book does not give them the justification they are looking for.  Some people do not actually read it carefully, and claim the book says or doesn’t say what was actually written.  That’s pretty normal – people tend to interpret life through the lens of their experiences and wishes. . There was a recent review that pretty accurately reflects what the book is really about – and by extension what this blog is about.  Even though the review is public, I’ll let the author remain anonymous.  Here’s the review. .

If you’re living with a narcissist, and you want a biblical way to handle it, please read this book! This is the eighth book I have read on narcissism. The others helped me understand what it is, how to spot a narcissist and how to set boundaries. But this book is the first to give me a way to deal with it and live with narcissists, instead of just avoiding or divorcing them.   Instead of just calling narcissism a problem or mental disorder, the author goes to the heart of the matter. Narcissism is an insolently proud heart in competition with God to be God. A narcissist acts charming and good, but seeks self-exaltation and is a deceiving liar at the core. Scriptures say when someone rejects God their foolish heart will be darkened. The author says that rejecting God and His truth is the beginning of narcissistic pride. . This book provides actionable wisdom on how a narcissist thinks and behaves and how we can protect our hearts with God’s word and truth. Go to God first. Let Him confirm your worth. Put on the full armor of God. Speak truth to yourself to counter narcissistic lies. See the narcissist as they are: unreliable, lacking in judgment and contentious. Fight evil with good, don’t rebuke but pray for wisdom in this warfare. . Other books validated my experience of narcissists, but this is the first time my responses such as finding a safe corner to go to when narcissistic contention gets overwhelming were validated. Or knowing that God allowed this experience to bring good for me and good character from me. , In living with narcissists, turning to God is key, or as the author states, the experience will just remain a series of hurts in our lives (PG 273). God has used my narcissists to heal me, show me my pride and other sins, and teach me to forgive. I have failed to love my narcissistic enemies, but that’s the next step. . After finishing this book, for the first time since realizing that I was living with a narcissist, I have hope. God’s word works in all situations. My narcissists don’t define me. God is my strength and my shield. He is the strength of my heart Psalm 73:26. I can overcome this suffering by going to God first in prayer, standing against lies with truth, returning good for evil, relying on scriptural wisdom for action steps, and guarding my heart with God’s armor during this warfare. Remember this: Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous, fear not and do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave nor forsake you. . This book is definitely one that I will read again. The author made the narrative flow easily from one point to the next. And the points came from scriptures. I was reading another bible study at the same time, and the contrast caught my attention. This book let’s scriptures speak first and the narrative flow from what they say. The other book wrote the narrative first then found a verse to fit what they wanted to say. I thought about writing about my experiences with narcissists, but this book started what I was thinking and more. ……

I have said before and want to say again that this book was the result of my own personal search for God’s perspective in dealing with these difficult people (I am “Barry” in the introduction to the book).  It is by no means perfect or the final answer, but rather a starting point and framework for further digging and seeking God’s grace.  I continue to dig and learn, and I’m sure you as well. .  

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I came across a couple situations in just the past week which reminded me that narcissists are often “sluggards” (very lazy people).  Why?  In many cases the narcissist’s insolent pride creates a sense of entitlement which gives them the attitude that “what I want should just be given to me, without me needing to work for it”. The Bible describes those with insolent pride and sluggards as two different people, but also provides some common characteristics.  For example, the sluggard shows characteristics of insolent pride, either through thinking they are wiser (superior) to even wise men….. .

The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes Than seven men who can give a discreet answer. 

Proverbs 26:16

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. This blog mostly digs into the nuts and bolts of how narcissist traits, tactics, how they got that way and what to do with our situations.  But we also need to understand the big question of “where is God in all of this”? Two books that have been very helpful to me in the past few years.  Both are by John Piper.  The first book is “Spectacular Sins And Their Global Purpose In The Glory of Christ”  The second book is “Future Grace;  The Purifying Power of The Promises of God”   These books do not talk about narcissism or insolent pride at all, but lifted my perspective to see a kind, loving, wise, powerful God who is behind everything and constantly working to show His greatness in and toward us.    They will not give you “all the answers”, but do provide a framework for processing God’s hand in the events of your life. They are worth a look.  You can get them on Amazon, your Christian book distributor – or get free PDF downloads and/or summaries here by clicking on the links in this post. . Spectacular Sins, and Their Global Purpose In The Glory of Christ . Future Grace: The Purifying Power of the Promises of God . . * Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here      

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. All of us stand on the shoulders of those who have come before.  It’s not just what we learn from them, but the example of their lives.   Paul said, .

You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of [referring to Biblical truth], knowing from whom you have learned them…

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2 Timothy 3:14

One of those “shoulders” among many for me has been Randy Alcorn – someone who has a clear view of our eternal future, which provides the ultimate perspective on the challenges of our current lives. He provided the following great perspective on his blog, and rather than stumble through my own explanation it is far better for you to hear it directly from him.  The following is reprinted in its entirety from Randy Alcorn’s blog at Eternal Perspectives Ministry

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The Reversal Doctrine

Luke 16:19-31 tells us the story of a rich man, and a poor man named Lazarus. The rich man dressed well, lived in luxury, and was apparently healthy. Lazarus was a beggar, diseased, dirty, and “longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table” (Luke16:21). If I asked, “Who would you rather be, the rich man or Lazarus?” you would presumably reply, “The rich man, of course.” We aren’t told that this rich man was dishonest or irreligious or that he was worse than your average person. We don’t know that he despised poor Lazarus; we only know that he ignored him. He lived his life as if the poor man didn’t exist. He didn’t use his God-provided wealth to care for another man in need. Both men die. Lazarus goes to Heaven and the rich man goes to hell. When the rich man begs Abraham from across the gulf to send Lazarus to relieve his suffering, Abraham replies, “Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony” (Luke 16:25). Now that you’ve heard the rest of the story, who would you rather be, the rich man or Lazarus? You’d probably like to switch places, wouldn’t you? But that’s Abraham’s point: After death, it’s too late to switch. This parable represents a strong and often overlooked New Testament teaching, which we might call “the reversal doctrine.” It teaches that in eternity many of us will find ourselves in opposite conditions from our current situation on earth. In this life, the rich man “lived in luxury every day,” while Lazarus begged at his gate, living in misery. At the moment of death, their situations reversed—the rich man was in hell’s torment and the poor man in Heaven’s comfort. It would be both simplistic and theologically inaccurate to conclude that Heaven is earned by poverty and hell is earned by wealth. But this parable is not isolated—it corroborates a host of other teachings by Jesus, as well as those of the apostles. In the song she composed in anticipation of Christ’s birth, Mary said, “He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty” (Luke1:53). “Blessed are you who are poor,” Jesus says, and “Woe to you who are rich,” precisely because their status will one day be reversed (Luke6:20, 25). The poor in spirit, those who mourn, those who are meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness and are persecuted will be relieved and fulfilled and have a great reward in heaven (Matthew 5:3-12). Those praised in this world will not be highly regarded in the next, and vice versa (Matthew 6:1-4, 16-18). Those who are exalted in this life will often be humbled in the next; those who are humbled here on earth will be exalted in Heaven (Matthew23:12). Those who are poor in this world will often be rich in the next, and those who are rich in this world will often be poor in the next (James 1:9-12). The poor are reassured that the hoarding and oppressing rich will one day be punished and the honest poor will be relieved (James 5:1-6). In Revelation 18:7, a voice from Heaven says of materialistic Babylon, “Give her as much torture and grief as the glory and luxury she gave herself.” Some of these passages may present us with theological difficulties, but all of them remind us that temporal sacrifices will pay off in eternity and temporal indulgences will cost us in eternity. These are the verses that encouraged Christian slaves and should have served warning to the plantation owners who were profiting from slavery. The reversal doctrine is comforting to the poor and weak, and threatening to the rich and powerful. But it’s a consistent teaching of the New Testament—one that confirms the premise that materialism is not only wrong but stupid. Conversely, trusting God, giving and caring and sharing are not only right but smart. Someday this upside-down world will be turned right side up. Nothing in all eternity will turn it back again. If we are wise, we will spend our brief lives on earth positioning ourselves for the turn.

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