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When you look around, it surely looks as though narcissism* is on the rise.  People seem to be increasingly selfish, self-centered, and arrogant, while common civility is on the decline.  We can debate whether we are “in the last days”, but the description in 2 Timothy 3 appears very close to what is currently taking place…..

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2 Timothy 3

3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. ² For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, ⁴ treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵ holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these….

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……. ⁷ (they are) always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.  (see Prov 14:6)

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^8b so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith. ⁹ But they will not make further progress; for their folly will be obvious to all……..

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¹³ But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived…….. 

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If it sometimes seems as though things are getting worse, the Bible tells us that in the last days things actually will get worse – including from those pretending to be “religious”.  But the writer Paul goes on to give some proscriptive advice to the young man he was mentoring (and through this to us) …..

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“Is this “N” even a Christian?” is a possible question for those dealing with a narcissist* who claims to be a Christian.  The narcissist’s claims of being a  Christian may stand in stark contrast to how they treat you and others in private.

The answer to this question is quite important, as it determines our understanding of how God is dealing with the narcissist – in terms of both short and long term consequences – as well as how we are to pray about the situation.

There are really two questions involved here.  The first question is “Can a narcissist be a Christian” (flipping it, “Can a Christian be a narcissist”?).  And the second is “Is THIS particular narcissist a Christian?”

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Just because a narcissist claims to be a Christian does not make it so.  Jesus said,

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Matthew 7:21-23

²¹ “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.²² Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

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But the fact that the Bible admonishes believers to give up their pride and walk in a humble manner indicates that genuine Christians can still have remnants of insolent pride in their lives:

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Of course, there are human / secular versions of these twin pillars.  We can get a modest measure of emotional comfort (“lovingkindness”) from friends.  And we can search out things which have been written on narcissism to learn traits and tactics of how narcissists operate –  including a few suggestions on how to handle the situation (“truth”).  But, the secular solutions can only take us so far.  Only God can truly comfort us and give us the emotional support we need (see here, here, and here),  And only God fully understands what’s going on inside the narcissist, and can give us the full understanding of how to deal with them.

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Ultimately it is God who is the true source of both lovingkindness and truth for us.

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Psalm 40:1-5 and 11-12

A Psalm of David.

40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
² He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
³ He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the Lord.

⁴ How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
⁵ Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us;
There is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them,
They would be too numerous to count.

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¹¹ You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.
¹² For evils beyond number have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see;
They are more numerous than the hairs of my head,
And my heart has failed me.

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In addition to the fact that nothing is impossible with God, one clue that it is possible for narcissists (those with insolent pride) to change is that God warns them to change.  Why would He warn them if change is impossible?  God warns scoffers / those with insolent pride to give up their scoffing, accept His reproof and allow Him to transform them through His Spirit.

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Proverbs 1:20-33

Wisdom Warns

Isaiah 28:22 – ……..And now do not carry on as scoffers, Or your fetters will be made stronger; For I have heard from the Lord God of hosts Of decisive destruction on all the earth.

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A big question for those who are dealing with a narcissist / those with insolent pride is often “Is there any hope”?   They are hoping in the midst of their despair that somehow things will change.  While hope can come in different forms,  what they often mean by this is “Will this person (narcissist) ever change?”.   The short answer is …… it IS possible:

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Matthew 19:26 –And looking at them Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

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Daniel 4:37 – Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise, exalt and honor the King of heaven, for all His works are true and His ways just, and He is able to humble those who walk in pride.”

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Another way to view our dealings with narcissists* is as a 3-way relationship.  Yes, it mostly feels as though it is “us vs. them”, and that we need to struggle through dealing with these difficult people on our own.  And while there is some truth to that, we will not be able to have full success in dealing with them until we understand God’s involvement in the equation (see here and here).    So, while we may succeed on our own in applying solid tactics in our dealings with the narcissist – which may definitely help us maintain sanity – we will not be able to achieve the full level of “victory” in our lives that is possible without bringing God into the equation.

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The following diagram illustrates the 4 relationship dynamics involved in our dealing with narcissists:

1. Us with the narcissist
2. God with the narcissist
3. God with us

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Romans 14:12 – So then each one of us will give an account of himself to God.

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1 Peter 4:5 – but they will give account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.

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Galatians 6:7 – Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.

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Hebrews 10:30 – For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge His people.”

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So how can a husband Biblically deal with a contentious (narcissist) wife?  There are a few guideposts in the Bible that indicate an answer:

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Guidepost 1 – The Bible says that you will not be able to stop her from being contentious – therefore, a “full frontal attack” (ie – confrontation) will fail and result in a fight………

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Proverbs 27:15-16

¹⁵ A constant dripping on a day of steady rain
And a contentious woman are alike;
¹⁶ He who would restrain her restrains the wind,
And grasps oil with his right hand.

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There are comments in the secular world that more men are narcissistic than women.  A couple of responses to that notion are:

1. There is very little factual basis for that assumption
2. Narcissism can take different forms (see here).  The way a man reveals his narcissism may be different than a way a woman reveals her narcissism.
3. Narcissism is about the insolent pride of the heart, for which both men and women have a propensity

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Having said that, the following discussion is not intended to say that women are more narcissistic than men.  It is simply a discussion on how the Bible describes one way that a woman’s narcissism may reveal itself.

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The Bible has a few choice things to say about a contentious wife

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Proverbs 21:9 – It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

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Narcissism (Insolent Pride) can take many forms.  He (or she) can be the obvious extroverted center of attention, but he can also be introverted and reserved.

The essence of narcissism is not the outward style, but “selfishness and empty conceit” instead of “humility of mind” – as Paul admonished against here……

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Philippians 2:3 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves…”

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Note:  Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible describes as “insolent pride” – see here

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There is a simple explanation for why (at least one of the reasons, there are others) that narcissists* lie

1  –  They want X – something that is “bad” because

• It is selfish
• It is immoral
• They need to hurt others to get it
• Etc

2  –  They also want respect, praise, and exaltation from men

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The only way that they can get both #1 and #2 at the same time is to deceive or lie to others about #1.  They need to lie in order to conceal their selfish or evil goals and motives – and the actions that they may take to achieve them.

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