.

Hebrews 12:15 – See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;

.

One of the easiest things to happen in your encounter with someone with insolent pride (aka narcissist) is to become bitter and angry.  Bitter at what they have done to you or to those close to you.  Bitter that they seem to get away with it.  Bitter that others don’t seem to recognize them for who they are.  Etc, etc.

.

That bitterness, while very “natural”, is also very destructive for you and others around you (“and by it many be defiled”).  So, somehow, we need to find a path for dealing with the situation and the narcissist that avoids becoming bitter.  As Hebrews 12:15 says, the antidote to bitterness is “God’s grace”.  What does this mean?  In simple terms, “God’s grace” is His provision of everything needed for a particular situation.  If we “come short of the grace of God”, we’re basically saying “I don’t need God, and I can do it on my own”.  That position, according to Hebrews 12:15 is very likely to result in our becoming bitter.

.

What does God’s grace (full provision) look like in dealing with a narcissist?  It would include

• A full understanding of the narcissist
• Wisdom regarding “why” we are in the situation
• The ability to deal wisely and peacefully with the situation
• The ability to be happy, independent of the circumstances

,

We will discuss more about how to not “come short of the grace of God” in future posts………

.

.

.

. * “Narcissist” is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here for a further discussion

.

.

I have been very very busy with other responsibilities for the past six months, and as a result have not been able to write nearly as much as I would like.  I have a window in the next four months to hopefully begin writing on the more difficult questions of how to deal with narcissists in family relationships and why God allows these people to wreak havoc.

HE has provided some Biblical perspective on those difficult questions, and I am now wrestling with how to discuss those perspectives in this blog format.  The reason I am wrestling is because those subjects need a comprehensive discussion with the key points being made together at the same time.  This blog’s current format of short quick snippets is not currently conducive to that kind of comprehensive discussion.

Anyway, that’s the challenge – we’ll see how it get resolved!

And there are also lots of case studies to dive into, as well as looking much more closely at how Jesus dealt with the narcissists around him.  Should be fun……

.

Proverbs 13:10 – Through insolence comes nothing but strife, But wisdom is with those who receive counsel.

Proverbs 11:2
HEB: בָּֽא־ זָ֭דוֹן וַיָּבֹ֣א קָל֑וֹן
NAS: When pride comes, then comes
KJV: [When] pride cometh, then cometh
INT: comes pride comes dishonor

Proverbs 13:10
HEB: רַק־ בְּ֭זָדוֹן יִתֵּ֣ן מַצָּ֑ה
NAS: Through insolence comes nothing
KJV: Only by pride cometh contention:
INT: but insolence comes strife

Proverbs 21:24
HEB: ע֝וֹשֶׂ֗ה בְּעֶבְרַ֥ת זָדֽוֹן׃
NAS: Who acts with insolent pride.
KJV: who dealeth in proud wrath.
INT: acts wrath insolent

———————————————————————

Original Word: זָדוֹן
Part of Speech: Noun Masculine
Transliteration: zadon
Phonetic Spelling: (zaw-done’)
Short Definition: arrogance

Word Origin
from zud
Definition
insolence, presumptuousness
NASB Translation
arrogance (3), arrogant (2), insolence (2), insolent pride (1), presumptuously (2), pride (1)..

.

.

* Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here for more

..

Proverbs 13:1 – A wise son accepts his father’s discipline, But a scoffer** does not listen to rebuke.

..

..

Dear readers,

To give a quick update on the recent “period of silence”……

I have had a spike in other responsibilities for the past 5 months, which has greatly hindered my time, energy, and mental space for writing.  But, during that time I have continued the wisdom search on Biblical Perspectives on Narcissism, and have become more clear on a few things even while I am still searching on others.

1. The traits and tactics of narcissists / those with insolent pride are becoming increasingly clear.  Once you learn to recognize these traits and tactics, its pretty easy to understand what’s going on.
2. Narcissists’ big advantage is their ability to “win you over quickly”.  I still need to get a better handle on “early warning signs”.
3. One BIG issue is how to deal with these people once you recognize them and what they’re doing.  The best way to deal with a narcissist / one with insolent pride varies greatly depending on your relationship to them.  In fact, you could make a major mistake if you apply the wrong tool in a particular situation.  More later on this.
4. It is becoming increasingly clear how God uses these people for our good and His glory, even though He will also deal with them in the end
5. I still do not have a very good handle on WHY narcissists are they way they are, how they got that way, and what the “fix” is.  But, I am quite sure that the Bible addresses those issues as well and will continue searching.

More to come…………

.

.

Why does God allow narcissists* to wreak havoc?  This is a tough question.  Its a cousin to the question, “why does God allow Satan to hang around and cause so much destruction in the world, when HE could wipe Satan out at any time of HIS choosing?”

There is a significant amount of discussion required in order to provide the proper context for a full answer.

But a partial shorthand answer is:

.

Proverbs 16:4 – The Lord has made everything for its own purpose, Even the wicked for the day of evil.

 .

and

 .

Romans 8:28 – And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.   

 .

and

 .

Ephesians 1:8-12 – In all wisdom and insight ⁹ He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him ¹⁰ with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him ¹¹ also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, ¹² to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory.

1. For testing, to see where our hearts lie
2. For disciplining / chastening
3. To motivate us to prune things in our lives
4. For our refinement to conform us more into the image of Christ
5. To help us gain wisdom
6. To provide an example and contrast between God’s way of humility and Satan’s way of pride
7. To provide an opportunity to show Himself strong on our behalf, as HE rescues us out of the narcissists’ hands

.

Some of the above can actually be a matter of one thing leading to the next.  A failure in #1 can directly lead to #2, and #3.  Responding positively to #2 and #3, can lead to #4 and #5, which can subsequently lead to #6 and #7.

We will discuss #1 through #7 much more fully in the future, with the proper Biblical foundation.

* Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here for an explanation.

.

The secular literature generally states that narcissists* don’t change.  And it is true that narcissists’ pride is a big hindrance to their actually changing.  The following Proverbs discuss how much a narcissist resists being told he might be wrong.  (See here on how narcissism is “insolent pride” in the Bible, and here for a discussion on how “scoffer” is one of the biblical terms for narcissist*)

.

Proverbs 9:7 – He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself.  Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you.

 

Proverbs 13:1 – A wise son accepts his father’s discipline, But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

 

Proverbs 14:6 – A scoffer seeks wisdom and finds none, But knowledge is easy to one who has understanding.

 

Proverbs 15:12 – A scoffer does not love one who reproves him, He will not go to the wise.

.

The Pharisees are one of the prime examples of Insolent Pride / Narcissism in the Bible (see here and here).  They were described as “scoffers” in Isaiah 28.   And “Scoffers” are one of the “names” given to those with insolent pride – [“‘Proud’, ‘haughty’, ‘scoffer’ are his names who acts with insolent pride” – Proverbs 21:24].  And insolent pride = narcissism (see here).

A prime characteristic of a scoffer is that they set themselves up as judge over others, based on an arbitrary standard of their own creation.   They will not try to keep their own standard, as they see themselves as above the rules.  And they will change the standard as necessary to suit their primary objective of being “above” others (that’s one of the reasons its an “arbitrary” standard).  The imperative of scoffers / insolent pride / narcissists is to maintain their superiority over others.

Here are some examples of the Pharisees acting as judge:

• Matthew 9:11 – When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, “Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?”

The Pharisees set an implied arbitrary rule as to who “righteous” people should eat with, and then judged Jesus against that rule]

.

• Matthew 9:14 – Then the disciples of John *came to Him, asking, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but Your disciples do not fast?”

The Pharisees took something they were doing (fasting), and turned it into a standard they could use with which to judge others]

.

• Matthew 9:34 – But the Pharisees were saying, “He casts out the demons by the ruler of the demons.”

Rather than carefully exploring how Jesus was able to cast out demons, the Pharisees jumped to the conclusion that since Jesus’ power could not be from God (based on the Pharisees’ own pre-determined view), it had to come from Satan.  Since linking Jesus’ miracles as being sourced from Satan would clearly undermine His ministry, the Pharisees were quick to take the opportunity to do this.]

.

• Matthew 12:2 – But when the Pharisees saw this, they said to Him, “Look, Your disciples do what is not lawful to do on a Sabbath.”

The Pharisees were interpreting the law according to their own opinion, and using their interpretation as the basis for judging Jesus]

.

• Matthew 12:24 – But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, “This man casts out demons only by Beelzebul the ruler of the demons.”

Once again, rather than honestly exploring the true source Jesus’ ability to cast out demons, the Pharisees were quick to judge and condemn Him, based on an interpretation that would most fully demean and undermine Jesus.]

.

.

* Narcissism is the colloquial secular term for what the Bible refers to as “insolent pride”.

.

.

As we said here, how you deal with a narcissist* (one with insolent pride, see here) will vary based on your relationship with them.  This is particularly true with the following “solution” – which would NOT be appropriate for committed relationships, but may be appropriate if they are an employee, for example.

.

Proverbs 22:10 – Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, Even strife and dishonor will cease.

.

As we saw here, scoffer is one of the “names” for those with “insolent pride” (Proverbs 21:24), which in turn is the biblical term for what the secular world terms “narcissist”.   Therefore “insolent pride” = “scoffer” = “narcissist”.

.

There is one action described in Proverbs 22:10 – “drive them out”.  And three results from taking that action.  The three results are what happens when the narcissist is gone:

.

1. Contention will go out – Narcissists are contentious – they are frequently fighting with others as part of their quest to get what they want, or to have the superior position (win the argument, etc).  And they are frequently unhappy about something that doesn’t suit them or meet their “standard” of the way they think things should be.
2. Strife will cease – Narcissists create strife – they are conflict creators.  There is always some turmoil surrounding a narcissist.
3. Dishonor will cease – Narcissists trash people they work with (albeit very, very subtly), who they typically see as getting in the way of what they want.  They trash them in order to neutralize them (at one extreme), or at least to just complain about people that don’t act or operate the way they think they should (the scoffer/narcissist is the judge, see here)

.

These three things are all very destructive to effective, smooth, harmonious teamwork.  So getting rid of the narcissist will also get rid of these things.

.

There are certain situations especially in work environments where this is absolutely the best way to deal with them.  However, while this Proverb sounds like Biblical justification for the secular concept of “low contact” or “no contact”, it must be combined and balanced with other scriptures.  This Proverb is not automatic justification for divorce or cutting off uncomfortable family relationships.

Other ways of dealing with Narcissists that we have discussed so far include “Preparing Judgements” (see here), and “Avoiding” (see here).  But there is much more to discuss on how to deal with Narcissists, as we continue to work our way forward in this study.

.

How You Deal With Narcissists Depends On The Relationship

.

*  The term “Narcissist” is the secular term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  See here for an explanation.

.

When we are discussing traits and tactics of narcissists*, there is not much difference between secular and biblical perspectives.  This is because narcissist traits and tactics are basically observational and/or descriptive – focused on “facts”.   The secular world “observes” the traits and tactics of narcissists* (those with insolent pride), while the Bible “describes” them.

.

But it is as we dig deeper that the secular and biblical perspectives on narcissism will diverge.  This is because the biblical perspective brings God into the equation (of course), while the secular perspective does not.  Bringing God into the picture will affect our understanding of why narcissists do what they do, how they became narcissists, how we should relate to and deal with them, and how God deals with them.  Bringing God into the picture will also impact our understanding of whether things in our “relationships” with narcissists can ever change or improve.

.

We will try to explain as we progress both how and why bringing God into the picture changes things.  And we will also occasionally highlight the differences between the secular and biblical approaches.

.

I am mentioning this now, because while we will continue to discuss traits and tactics of narcissists, the emphasis is going to shift over time to a much deeper search into what is really going on with these “difficult people”.

.

.

* Narcissist/narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”.  Please see here for an explanation.

.

Luke 18:9 – [ The Pharisee and the Publican ] And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt:

.

con·tempt

Noun – 

The feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile or worthless; disdain; scorn

Synonyms – 

Contempt, disdain, scorn — implies that [narcissists* have] strong feelings of disapproval and aversion toward what seems base, mean, or worthless.  Contempt is disapproval tinged with disgust;  ie – to feel contempt for a weakling.  Disdain is a feeling that a person or thing is beneath one’s [a narcissist’s*] dignity and unworthy of one’s notice, respect or concern

.

* Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”  please see here for an explanation

.

Even though Haman (see here on how we know he was a narcissist*) had achieved “everything”, he was obsessed with the one thing he didn’t have – Mordecai’s recognition of Haman’s “glory”.   That is typical of narcissists* – they can have everything going “right” in their world, but in the middle of that will obsess about one little slight that they think they have received from someone.

………..

Esther 3:1-5

3 After these events King Ahasuerus promoted Haman, the son of Hammedatha the Agagite, and advanced him and established his authority over all the princes who were with him. ² All the king’s servants who were at the king’s gate bowed down and paid homage to Haman; for so the king had commanded concerning him. But Mordecai neither bowed down nor paid homage……….⁵ When Haman saw that Mordecai neither bowed down nor paid homage to him, Haman was filled with rage.

.

.

I have been at this for a few months now, and have enjoyed and personally benefited from this path of learning on this particular subject.  I feel that we are 30-40% down this road of understanding of the Biblical perspective on narcissism and narcissists, described as “insolent pride” and “scoffers” in the Bible. The emphasis so far has been on identifying the traits and tactics of narcissists, or (scoffers/those with insolent pride).   In the future will be discussing much more about:

• How to deal with narcissists / scoffers, from both a practical and “heavenly” perspective
• How narcissists can be healed
• How narcissists’ victims can be healed
• God’s redemptive purposes in this subject
• How some societies have narcissism deeply embedded in their culture and national character
• How God “deals with” narcissists
• and more

……

Once we have gone through this first round of putting a lot of individual facts and perspectives from the Bible about narcissism on the table, we will go back and start to better organize and synthesize them into a more integrated understandable picture. As I have been working through this, I have noticed that while there are some similarities and overlaps between the secular approach to narcissism and the Biblical approach to narcissism, there are also some differences.   The secular approach to narcissism does a good job of discussing narcissistic traits, and the narcissist’s tactics.  And it provides a few practical means of dealing with narcissists, such as “low contact”, “no contact”, lowering expectations, setting boundaries, etc.  In some cases, these are very helpful and match up with the Biblical approach to the subject.  But the secular approach to the subject of narcissism does not dig very deeply into the “heart” side of narcissism, the causes of narcissism, or the distinctions in handling narcissism depending on the relationships.  The Bible talks much more about these and other similar subjects. We’re going to keep digging until we’ve reached as close to the bottom of this subject of narcissism and narcissists as possible.

…….

One final note.  I have tended to use the modern terms of narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic rather than the related Biblical terms.  This bothers me a little bit to do this, as I would generally prefer to use Biblical language to discuss Biblical topics.  However, to reach those who are looking for answers on narcissism, but would only search on that term rather than on the search term of “insolent pride” for example, I have tended to more heavily use those terms which people would more likely use for their Google search on the subject.

…

One final, final note.  I have two main purposes for doing this project.  One is that I am in a situation that is highly motivating to learn everything I can about the subject of narcissism, but from God’s perspective.  The other is to demonstrate that God has far superior wisdom than anyone else on every subject, including narcissism, and that this wisdom is “there for the taking”, right out of the Bible.  All we have to do is look.

.

* Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride”  please see here for an explanation

.

One tactic of Narcissists (scoffers, those with insolent pride) is to not only try to destroy their perceived enemy – but they also try to isolate them by driving wedges between their enemies and anyone who might possibly help them.

John 9:22

²² His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jews; for the Jews had already agreed that if anyone confessed Him to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue.