45 The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.
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We read in Psalms 5:9 of a narcissist (aka one with insolent pride*), that “there is nothing reliable in what they say; Their inward part is destruction itself.” And we read in secular sources (and have experienced) that narcissists can say something in one sentence, and contradict themselves in the next sentence (or even in the very same sentence). It seems crazy when they do this – they seem crazy when they do this – and they have no clue that they are even doing it. What’s going on?
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Ultimately, as Luke 6:45 indicates, it is our heart that drives our words and actions. Continue reading →
One of the questions frequently searched by people that find this blog is, “how do I pray about this situation with the narcissist in my life?”. This would include, “how to pray for the narcissist”, “how to pray for ourselves in the situation”, and “how to pray for God’s intervention”. We have already mentioned David’s Prayer for Justice, and David’s Prayer for Protection. Here is a prayer from David for deliverance. It is important to understand that effective praying has some requirements – we cannot reject God’s ways on the one hand and at the same time expect Him to “jump through hoops for us” on the other hand.
13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; Make haste, O Lord, to help me. 14 Let those be ashamed and humiliated together Who seek my life to destroy it; Let those be turned back and dishonored Who delight in my hurt. 15 Let those be appalled because of their shame Who say to me, “Aha, aha!” 16 Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; Let those who love Your salvation say continually, “The Lord be magnified!” 17 Since I am afflicted and needy, Let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God.
19 How great is Your goodness, Which You have stored up for those who fear You, Which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You, Before the sons of men!
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[See here for the road map for this discussion on why God allows narcissists to wreak havoc]
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Matthew 7:11
11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!
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Lamentations 3:22-25
22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. 24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” 25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.
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Since
God’s purposes, plans, and providences in our lives ultimately flow out of his divine nature, and since
His divine nature includes being completely wise, good, loving, and just (among many other things), and since
He has the power to implement what He decides, and the ability to use evil for accomplishing good
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Then, we can safely assume that everything that comes our way is not just allowed, but designed by God for our good. So, rather than seeing things that happen to us as either “good” or “bad”, we can safely view everything that happens to us as “good”. The only question is “how is God being good to us in this particular situation”?
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That is what we intend to explore in the next phase of this discussion on why God allows Narcissists to wreak havoc. The intent is to move from “why is God doing this to me?” and “how do I escape this?” to “how is God intending this bad situation for my good?” and “how do I wisely deal with it?”. And, ultimately, to trust Him even when we cannot figure out what He is doing. Continue reading →
20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.
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This was an incredible statement by Joseph to his brothers many years after they had sold him to slave traders – the start of a series of seemingly very bad things that Joseph had experienced at the hands of others. He then went from being a slave to getting thrown into prison. And even when he got out of prison he was stuck in a country not his own. He was sold at age 17, and got out of prison at age 30 – 40 percent of a young life that was permanently altered in the process.
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It wasn’t until well over 10 years after getting out of prison that Joseph said these words to his brothers. During the 13 years that he was a slave and in prison we do not know what he was thinking and feeling – it could easily have been a combination of things – wrestling with the situation he was in, occasional anger at his brothers, while also trusting God in the midst of his difficulties*. We do know that he acted honorably and faithfully during those 13 years (Genesis 39). We also know that God took care of Joseph even in his difficulties. And we know that somehow during that time, God gave Joseph the understanding that HE was ultimately controlling things for ultimate good.
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The point for us is that more than God allowing evil, and more than God making good out of evil (“when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”), God planned for the evil actions to be used for good – “God meant it for good” (Gen 50:20).
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The difficult to accept, but important to understand point, is that God may be using your narcissist for good. Yes, we need to exercise practical wisdom in dealing with them. And yes, there are times to avoid them (see here, here, here, here, and here). And it certainly is not easy. But, the fact that they are in our lives is not random, but somehow designed by God for our good. This may be a difficult pill to swallow, especially when you may have experienced a lot of pain at the hand of your narcissist. But taking this more constructive approach to how we view the situation can be a big step in moving toward real and lasting healing, and gaining victory over the situation.
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God using evil for good is one of the most difficult questions out there, but it must be addressed if we hope to get to the bottom of things. And this is one of the handful of questions that people tend to choke on in their search for God.
God is much wiser (and more loving) than we are. So we must approach this question from the viewpoint that God knows what He is doing, and that evil fits in with His plan of love.
We will explore how God might be using them for good in the next few blog posts.
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For those of you wanting to dig deeper into this subject, here are some additional resources:
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From Randy Alcorn
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,And He delights in his way.24 When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
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[Please see here for the road map of the discussion on Why God Allows N’s To Wreak Havoc]
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We discussed here about God’s Plan For A Purpose of Love. The next question is whether that “big picture” plan for a purpose of love also includes a detailed plan for individuals? Is God actually in fact orchestrating everything in our lives according to a plan – even the little details of our lives, and even our difficulties with our Narcissist?
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The Bible indicates that God is indeed intricately involved in the course of our lives……
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Proverbs 16:9
9 The mind of man plans his way,But the Lord directs his steps.
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..and knows every detail…….
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Luke 12:6-7
6 Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;You understand my thought from afar.3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,Behold, O Lord, You know it all……..
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13 For You formed my inward parts;You wove me in my mother’s womb.14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;Wonderful are Your works,And my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from You,When I was made in secret,And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;And in Your book were all writtenThe days that were ordained for me,When as yet there was not one of them.
Psalm 139:17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!How vast is the sum of them!18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.When I awake, I am still with You.
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Alistair Begg has some good introductory thoughts about this subject, as well as a clear example of how God orchestrated many details in saving a person (Mordecai) and a group of people (the Jews) from the hands of a Narcissist (Haman) – discussed in the Old Testament book of Esther. These clips may be a little long for the YouTube generation, but its worth a look. You will enjoy listening to his practical perspective, as well as his humor and his Scottish accent.
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We can be sure that God is intimately involved in the details of our lives, orchestrating everything – even the “bad” things – for ultimate good.
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Psalm 23
23 The Lordis my shepherd;I shall not want.2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;He leads me beside the still waters.3 He restores my soul;He leads me in the paths of righteousnessFor His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil;For You are with me;Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;You anoint my head with oil;My cup runs over.6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow meAll the days of my life;And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
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Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
8 “Remember this, and be assured; Recall it to mind, you transgressors. 9 “Remember the former things long past, For I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me, 10 Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, ‘My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure’;
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The only way that God could “declare the end”, “from the beginning””in ancient times” (an understatement for eternity past), would be to work out right from the start all of the details of His plan, and be able to guarantee the execution of each of those details. Any other way would cause the plan to veer off course. Think about some of your own plans that you made in your life – they never worked out exactly as planned because there were always details that you were simply not able to control. This did not happen with God’s plan. He wisely planned all of the details and controlled them, so that He could declare right at the start what would be the outcome of His plan – the fullest expression of His nature (love, justice, etc) and strength.
8 ….. In all wisdom and insight9 He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He (God) purposed in Him(Jesus) ……..11 …… who (God) works all things after the counsel of His will,12 to the end that we who were the first to hope inChrist would be to the praise of His glory.
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God’s will is based on a loving purpose (“kind intention”). That loving purpose is based on His inherent nature (“God is love” – 1 John 4:8). And He executes everything, down to the tiniest detail, according to the plan which he has created (“works all things after the counsel of His will”).
The end of all of it is that we will praise Him for his manifold excellence (“praise of His glory”) which He has shown in every possible way – and of which we have been made a prime beneficiary.
When we ask Why He is allowing a Narcissist to wreak havoc in our lives, we can be sure that it is not just some random thing going on – there is a much bigger plan in play, and the essence of that plan is love.
28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose……
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[Note: After spending much time on descriptive aspects of who narcissists are like their “traits” and “tactics”, we are finally getting into the “why’s” and “how’s” – Why God allows narcissists to wreak havoc, and How narcissists got that way]
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Part of successfully navigating the Narcissist* in our life is to understand some possible reasons why God is allowing this to happen to us. The purpose is to not ask “WHY ME?”, but to better discern His loving will and ways for the purpose of getting in sync with God – for our good and His glory.
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When God orchestrates something in our lives, there is not just one reason He is doing it – He is simultaneously intricately stitching together many, many things in our lives and the lives of others as part of His Tapestry. So, while we are attempting to understand what’s going on in a situation, we must also realize that at the end of the day we must trust Him – because we will never fully know and understand this side of Heaven. There is a place for both understanding and at the same time a place for childlike trust in a loving Heavenly Father.
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But in the interest of gaining some degree of understanding as to “why” God allows N’ to wreak havoc in our and others’ lives, we are going to attempt to work through the following during the next few weeks:
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Why God Allows Narcissists to Wreak Havoc
Introduction & Foundations
God’s Plan For A Purpose of Love, Part 1
God’s Plan For a Purpose of Love, Part 2
Providence – God’s Detailed Plan For A Purpose of Love
“You Meant It For Evil, But God Meant It For Good”
Viewing Our Circumstances Through The Lens of God’s Goodness
How God Uses Narcissists (Even For Good)
To motivate us to seek Him
To force us to seek true wisdom
To test our loyalties
To refine us
To show us the folly of seeking our own way
To develop in us His ultimate goal of genuine love
As part of His plan for others to know God personally
To direct us
To give us ultimate happiness
Post Script
God deals with His “tools”
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Stay tuned……
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Narcissist is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6–7)
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Why is anxiety about the future a form of pride?
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God’s answer would sound something like this:
I — the Lord, your Maker — I am he who comforts you, who promises to take care of you; and those who threaten you are mere men who die. So your fear must mean that you do not trust me — and even though you are not sure that your own resources will take care of you, yet you opt for fragile self-reliance, rather than faith in my future grace. So all your trembling — weak as it is — reveals pride.
The remedy? Turn from self-reliance to God-reliance, and put your faith in the all-sufficient power of future grace.
We see anxiety as a form of pride in 1 Peter 5:6–7. Notice the grammatical connection between the verses. “Humble yourselves . . . under the mighty hand of God . . . [verse 7] casting all your anxieties on him.” Verse 7 is not a new sentence. It’s a subordinate clause. “Humble yourselves . . . [by]casting all your anxieties on him.”
37 Do not fret because of evildoers, Be not envious toward wrongdoers. 2 For they will wither quickly like the grass And fade like the green herb.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.
. 5 Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it. 6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light And your judgment as the noonday.
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7 Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. 8 Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. 9 For evildoers will be cut off, But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.
This principle is especially applicable with respect to “evil doers” – we are typically worried and and a little envious that they are “getting away with it”. However, God says “I will deal with them – “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay” – instead you should watch out for what’s in your own heart”.
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According to Psalm 37, we need to understand clearly that
The evildoers’ lives are short and will fade away (Ps 37:2)
They will ultimately receive the total judgement of being cut off from God and Heaven – forever (Ps 37:9)
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Instead of focusing on the evildoer, we should turn toward a positive focus on what God wants us to do (Ps 37:3-4). This includes:
“They do all their deeds to be seen by others . . . and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces and being called rabbi by others.” (Matthew 23:5–7)
The itch of self-regard craves the scratch of self-approval. That is, if we are getting our pleasure from feeling self-sufficient, we will not be satisfied without others seeing and applauding our self-sufficiency.
Hence Jesus’s description of the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23:5–7.
This is ironic. Self-sufficiency should free the proud person from the need to be made much of by others. That’s what “sufficient” means. But evidently there is a void in this so-called self-sufficiency.
The self was never designed to satisfy itself or rely upon itself. It never can be sufficient. We are but in the image of God, not God himself. We are shadows and echoes. So there will always be an emptiness in the soul that struggles to be satisfied with the resources of self.
This empty craving for the praise of others signals the failure of pride and the absence of faith in God’s ongoing grace. Jesus saw the terrible effect of this itch for human glory. He named it in John 5:44, “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” The answer is, you can’t. Itching for glory from other people makes faith impossible. Why?
Because faith is being satisfied with all that God is for you in Jesus. And if you are bent on getting the satisfaction of your itch from the scratch of others’ acclaim, you will turn away from Jesus.
But if you would turn from self as the source of satisfaction (repentance), and come to Jesus for the enjoyment of all that God is for us in him (faith), then the itch would be replaced by a spring of water welling up to eternal life (John 4:14).
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Readers of this blog frequently find their way here through the search phrase “can a narcissist be a Christian?”. Since this is a topic of particular interest, it might be good to delve into it a little deeper. Please see here for Part 1.
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Jesus alluded to this question when he asked the narcissists* of his day
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44 How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God? (John 5:44)
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The “belief” Jesus referred to must certainly have been deeper than a surface-level belief, since satan and the demons also have belief at some level……
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James 2:19
19 You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder.
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The demons believe that God, Jesus, and the Spirit exist (God is One), and are well aware of His power and their ultimate judgement at His hands (the reason for their shuddering). But, in their rebellion against God they rejected His right to rule over them.
That is why real, genuine, sincere saving “belief” goes beyond a mental acknowledgement of God and Jesus, all the way to a true inward and outward acknowledgement of His personal Lordship.
One illustrative image would be that of a medieval duke kissing the ring of the king to acknowledge his kingship, or a mob under-boss kissing the ring of the organization head to publicly pay homage. This public acknowledgement is spoken of several times…
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Romans 10:9
9 that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;
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1 John 4:15
15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.
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The unbelieving Narcissist* will receive a greater degree of judgment based on the spiritual light which has been given him……..
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Matthew 11:20-24
20 Then He began to denounce the cities in which most of Hismiracles were done, because they did not repent.21 “Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles had occurred in Tyre and Sidon which occurred in you, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes.22 Nevertheless I say to you, it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon in the day of judgment than for you.23 And you, Capernaum, will not be exalted to heaven, will you? You will descend to Hades; for if the miracles had occurred in Sodom which occurred in you, it would have remained to this day.24 Nevertheless I say to you that it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for you.”
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……And the unbelieving Narcissist* will receive a greater degree of judgment based on the evil which he has done
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1 Thessalonians 2:16
16 hindering us from speaking to the Gentiles so that they may be saved; with the result that they always fill up the measure of their sins. But wrath has come upon them to the utmost.
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Therefore, if you demonstrate truth and godly responses to a Narcissist, and the N responds with evil, he will be multiplying for himself the level of his own eternal judgment in 2 different ways – simultaneously rejecting the light and adding to the amount of evil he has done. Very serious stuff, indeed.
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Note: The above discussion relates to Narcissists who have NOT had their sins covered – see here and here for a further discussion
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Click here for “How To Know God Personally”
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Narcissism is the modern colloquial term for what the Bible calls “insolent pride” – see here for more
Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
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When we are dealing with narcissists, it may seem as though no one else “gets” what we are going through. But you are not alone. You may be interested in the search terms which people used in February 2016 to find this blog (please excuse the obvious spelling errors):
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Go Deeper: The First Will Be Last
What does the Bible say about narcissism, and how should a believer respond? This book walks through Scripture’s case studies, the key words the Bible uses, and practical counsel for those living or working with a narcissist.
Psalm 39 – I said, “I will guard my waysThat I may not sin with my tongue;I will guard my mouth as with a muzzleWhile the wicked are in my presence.”2 I was mute and silent,I refrained even from good,And my sorrow grew worse.3 My heart was hot within me,While I was musing the fire burned;Then I spoke with my tongue:4 “Lord, make me to know my endAnd what is the extent of my days;Let me know how transient I am.5 “Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.6 “Surely every man walks about as a phantom;Surely they make an uproar for nothing;He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.
7 “And now, Lord, for what do I wait?My hope is in You.8 “Deliver me from all my transgressions;Make me not the reproach of the foolish.9 “I have become mute, I do not open my mouth,Because it is You who have done it.10 “Remove Your plague from me;Because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.11 “With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity;You consume as a moth what is precious to him;Surely every man is a mere breath. Selah.
12 “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry;Do not be silent at my tears;For I am a stranger with You,A sojourner like all my fathers.13 “Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may [j]smile againBefore I depart and am no more.”
Keep Praying: Praying Powerful Prayers
A 30-day devotional from the 30-Day Journeys series on praying the way Scripture teaches. One short reading a day for those who need to bring a hard situation before God.
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